that was soooo long before any of this synchronicity stuff started sweeping the nation.  before “the celestine prophecy” or “way of the peaceful warrior” – before the berlin wall fell.  and the bizarre, plastic reality we have now is so much more real than anything that was going on then . . . but it still feels like all that was somehow more permanent, although it wasn’t.  that horrifying blank materialist reality of “society” and “self-image” and crap is all gone . . . magic is certainly more real than any of that . . . but i guess the astral mechanics of all of it need to be understood.

I have no idea what she’d think of me if I ever saw her again . . . I have no idea what she thought of me the last time I saw her.  She was pretty messed up, herself and I was having the most pathetic year of my life. and i recall being fairly inept at relating to her. But I remember now, how she used to paralyze me when I was 14 . . . how I could feel her presence in the room when I thought about her, how I felt as if I were being transported by her, by this overwhelming sensation of her presence . . . and I had to struggle, tell myself “it’s just your imagination” . . . like a lot of people that age do . . . but it wasn’t just my imagination, it was some kind of astral thing . . . some way the universe is wired together that the opposite sex affects us like that . . . so I learned, like everyone does, to incorrectly interpret these astral sensations.  but the question is why would we be allowed to be conscious and have these astral things happening to us that make us crazy.  specifically, why was i allowed to sense those things, that peeling back of the edges of reality, but given no explanation?  why did i have to figure it out for myself? i remember i used to wonder about that.  I would actually slip into trance states thinking about her (i think a lot of teenagers do this but they are programmed to forget . . . i mean they *fantasize* like crazy but i also think they receive psychic information which they learn to screen out consciously) . . . and i think i might even remember my intuition transmitting a message that i would have to wait to find out, that there was a guru waiting for me but i’d have to wait to see him, and resenting that fact . . . i’ve always resented the fact that life is so confusing.

and yet even then, as an atheist, i was having psychic experiences.  i was imagining contact from higher beings.  it never really went away; i just convinced myself that i didn’t believe it.  it is indeed all part of one cosmic arena.

and yeah, just thinking about her today and yesterday i’m remembering what it’s like to be really in love with someone in the physical world.

i want to quickly cover up that last post because it’s sentimental and embarrassing . . . furthermore, you can’t go home again, as i proved in the late eighties when i went back to west lafayette and was a drug-addled moron and an embarrassment to my hosts . . . that was one of the low points of my life, knowing that i didn’t belong anywhere in the world.  and i was thoroughly miserable because i was being continually bombarded by psychic impressions even though i didn’t believe in psychic phenomena . . . 

well that’s okay, everything goes on, this is twenty years later, i’ve been doing shamanism since 1996, everyone’s getting used to this stuff . . . on into the future.