I was thinking this afternoon about how [C.] liked the Dire Straits album with Money for Nothing on it, and at that time that idiotic song was so overplayed I wanted to vomit.  In all my life I think that was the most overplayed song ever.  Anyway I was thinking about it this afternoon, because of her, and then within an hour I was sitting in traffic and a car two lanes over had that very song blaring out of its radio.  Not bad for a twenty year old song.  I expect to bump into [C.] on the street any day now.

Apr. 17 2020 – We’ve been Facebook friends for years, though we’ve never communicated.  It’s interesting to note the specific year Facebook was changing my attitude toward my past.

and part of this has to do with the true, psychic perspective that we are all one . . . that is probably a large element of the pain, because i am very in tune with unity consciousness so the fact that we have to have the illusion of separation does cause me suffering.  i want to get away from it ASAP.  and i literally believe that there is a higher world after death where we still have our personalities, plus all the other personalities of all our other incarnations, and we live without the illusion of time.

but i think probably the isolation of this life was so that i could in fact develop my psychic awareness.  at least that makes the most sense to me.

So the rest of it is that often when I talk about my life I sound more unhappy than I am because most people can’t relate to my shamanic, mystical experiences.  So digging up this stuff from the past, it becomes clear to me that it was around that age that I began to gain self-awareness and realize that I didn’t trust anyone in the world not to hurt me.  I didn’t trust anyone to actually like me and not talk shit about me behind my back.  I remember feeling so isolated then, and every day I’d go to school and chat with people and wonder how to get “in” with them so I’d feel like a part of the gang but it never happened.

And it was because I did not actually trust existence.  I would fantasize about these people and what they were like, and it never matched reality and I became far more obsessed with getting out of having to understand people than actually being with them.  I just wanted to end the pain of loneliness.  and i would actually get around people and i would become withdrawn and not have anything to say and be very sad because there seemed to be this wall between me and the world.  and then often i would have a shamanic experience that i couldn’t believe in, where i would experience elder beings coming to me and telling me that i had a choice to participate in life or not, and i would always choose no because i couldn’t understand why life had to be so confusing.  and i would get scared because it would seem crazy to experience these presences.  and even to this day i still don’t trust life or trust relationships because i know it’s only a dumbshow, i know that it’s all being observed from some higher plane.

Even today I’ve spent several days wandering through this astral scenery of my freshman year in high school . . . it’s not the actual past that matters, it’s that these scenes appear before my eyes.  It’s an overwhelming emotional presence that my mind is producing and I don’t know how to stop it, or if I should, or what significance it has . . .

and how does it relate to my spiritual activities?  i know that spirits watch over me.  i just want the pain to go away.  i feel like i’ve been in the midst of psychic mistrust and confusion since i was a child and i want to clarify things . . .