So the rest of it is that often when I talk about my life I sound more unhappy than I am because most people can’t relate to my shamanic, mystical experiences.  So digging up this stuff from the past, it becomes clear to me that it was around that age that I began to gain self-awareness and realize that I didn’t trust anyone in the world not to hurt me.  I didn’t trust anyone to actually like me and not talk shit about me behind my back.  I remember feeling so isolated then, and every day I’d go to school and chat with people and wonder how to get “in” with them so I’d feel like a part of the gang but it never happened.

And it was because I did not actually trust existence.  I would fantasize about these people and what they were like, and it never matched reality and I became far more obsessed with getting out of having to understand people than actually being with them.  I just wanted to end the pain of loneliness.  and i would actually get around people and i would become withdrawn and not have anything to say and be very sad because there seemed to be this wall between me and the world.  and then often i would have a shamanic experience that i couldn’t believe in, where i would experience elder beings coming to me and telling me that i had a choice to participate in life or not, and i would always choose no because i couldn’t understand why life had to be so confusing.  and i would get scared because it would seem crazy to experience these presences.  and even to this day i still don’t trust life or trust relationships because i know it’s only a dumbshow, i know that it’s all being observed from some higher plane.

Even today I’ve spent several days wandering through this astral scenery of my freshman year in high school . . . it’s not the actual past that matters, it’s that these scenes appear before my eyes.  It’s an overwhelming emotional presence that my mind is producing and I don’t know how to stop it, or if I should, or what significance it has . . .

and how does it relate to my spiritual activities?  i know that spirits watch over me.  i just want the pain to go away.  i feel like i’ve been in the midst of psychic mistrust and confusion since i was a child and i want to clarify things . . .