i am thinking of all these people i haven’t seen in years, people i can only remember through fantasy . . . and how we all exist simultaneous on this earth . . . see right now i’m sure this woman’s spirit is healing me.  on some deeper inner level of reality i am receiving energy from her . . . i can clearly identify it . . . this sort of psychic interchange goes on all the time but most people can’t feel it.

at some point i’ll be able to understand it so well i won’t have to talk about it, but until then i’ll have to go on struggling like this.  but what am i struggling for?  it’s all here . . . 

I could keep looking for that girl, or i could leave the message i sent.  I found a picture of her . . . she cut her hair a while ago.  It doesn’t matter.  I should stop pretending to be a slacker.  I’m coming out of a weeklong trance.  I learned a lot, remembered a lot that I’d forgotten — all the really shitty times that had gone by.  How a few of the people I wanted to hang around turned out to have no personality at all.

I’m being reminded of the continuity of my life, that all this weird shit actually happened and started out with me as a geeky atheist poverty-stricken weirdo out in the corn fields of Indiana.  

Anyway I sent this woman a message on a dopey networking site which she probably never checks.  Would it be tacky to break down and spend 10 dollars and just get an e-mail address?  She has indicated on the web that she wants to get in touch with people.

I want to hear her voice again, to see what she’s like.

i honestly didn’t believe in the power of my spirit . . . but now i do.

i didn’t believe in the power of my spirit because life was so complicated and harsh . . . basically i recall the arguments from those years . . . power, manipulation, charisma, all the things that young people learn about the difference between what this society says it is and what it really is . . . and how i let psychic leeches prey on me and suck my strength . . . and how god damn miserable it was but i survived.

and there were these really cool people who liked me but there was this dark shadow on me so i couldn’t see it, and it really was a dark shadow, a psychic shadow that made me withdraw and hate myself . . . and disconnect from people.  and i guess it was my karma but i’m working through it.  and really there’s just light.  i choose just light, no machiavellian bullshit, no attempts to control or change this world, just living in light.

i have my spirit back, and i pray before god because there is a god, and that is so fuckin’ funny . . . i could never really pray in my life . . . and i have been in a deep, deep trance, my lovelies . . . for the last week thinking of West Lafayette . . . and i wonder where and when it will end but there’s no doubt that life is magical and everything will one day be cool.