with regard to my previous post, another facet is at the time i didn’t even have enough connection with the human race to be able to express that utter hopelessness.  my life was meaningless and no one would ever care.  there was no point even in saying so, i would simply have to find another mode of being, one in which i was totally submerged.  who i actually was was unimportant, only manipulation mattered — the ability to attract attention through wealth, fame, talent, or master of “The Sexual Game” — i.e. how to convince the opposite sex to pay attention to me without offering real devotion to them (not that i didn’t want real devotion but i knew girls were only into guys who could sleep with a lot of different women without falling in love with them. they wanted experienced guys who could control them.)

anyway now i can look back at all that meaningless hell i went through and say “yes, it really was meaningless hell and i don’t have to feel inadequate because i resented it.”  after all the spirit world is here now and it was equally there then.  everything was somehow arranged by god and even though it sucked it’s over now and none of those horrible people from that horrible town of Peoria Illinois need ever concern me again.