for most of my life I’ve felt a big shadow around myself and other people — it’s always been difficult to define what i felt was wrong with me, why i never felt comfortable just “being”, why i could never accept people or situations the way they were and had to always be looking for a deeper meaning.  

somehow my aura shifted and this darkness turned out to be some kind of force, a presence in my aura that i had to allow.  it was actually the wind in my sails, the force that was pushing me through life.  this shadow wasn’t really dark, it was a level of consciousness that i could not see, and so it only appeared dark because i couldn’t look at it.  i couldn’t look at it because i falsely believed there was something i needed to learn or do in this world; i had tremendous guilt that i wasn’t living enough, wasn’t fulfilling the purpose of my life.  maybe it was left over from my last lifetime.

it seems like i’m about to accept this difference.  i couldn’t do it before because i would have felt like a failure, i suppose, as though i was missing out on a normal life.  i never wanted to be weird.  i always wanted to understand everything so i could “get my life together” and be highly effective.  actually, i wanted to be a rock star, so i went out and acted like one not realizing that a rock star without millions of dollars to squander is pretty pathetic.  

i don’t actually know what’s happening but my long work at shamanism and channeling is paying off.  i’m getting stable with these perceptions and i don’t know what is happening but it feels like i’m about to have that dramatic change i’ve always wanted — the one where i finally figure out what’s going on.