all summer i’ve been practicing astral projection and self-hypnosis.  i have a totally radical and awesome inner world i can voyage through at any time.  i don’t really need to do anything anymore to entertain myself, but then lately i’ve been watching movies a lot just to avoid thinking.  apparently i’m becoming really shallow now that i no longer feel so trapped in the physical world.  i don’t understand it.  i want to fill my head with meaningless movie junk instead of working on anything important.  i feel vaguely uncomfortable in my body, like i don’t belong here.  

none of my relationships feel the same either.  so much of what they were bulit on is gone.  of course most relationships are just habits, very few get to the core of a person.  

i’m starting to miss myself i guess.  i look back on myself as a child and think, i had such potential and courage, and nothing really came of it.  i got the important thing in life, which was spiritual knowledge, but it wasn’t really fun.  it’s not exaggeration or self-pity to say i grew up around really nasty people.  i attracted  a lot of pathological liars and creeps.  

on the other hand i’m a master of the law of attraction now.  i could use my magical powers to become a world-famous millionaire psychic rock star if i wanted.  the question is, is it worth it?  my guru says that the next hundred years will see a drastic reduction in the world population and the overthrow of the current world order.  i’m all for that but it calls into question the relative importance of being an artist when everything’s going to be forgotten in the disasters to come . . . 

sigh, i’m surrounded by people who want to connect with me.  i wish i could overcome this darkness and sense of isolation within myself.