The Adventure of Self-Love was a success, although it raised strange issues. For instance, if I love myself so much why do I need anybody to read about me on the web? But I made it back to the Art Institute and I had a great new perspective on art, and I am working on my own new art at a decent pace. Even now I have my next picture with dialogue almost ready to go. I’ve made more pictures in the last month than I made in the year before, I think.

The amazing thing, however, was that the ArtIC held over the El Greco exhibit I had been so looking forward to earlier this year. It opened a week or so before they closed, but it was still there today, and I had an amazing experience of the timelessness of Jesus looking at all his work. I am going to infuse the spirit of El Greco into my stories.

And I had been wondering for a long time whether to give my story an actual prophet for the heroes to meet, or merely a false parody for them to defeat. I think now that I will have to have an actual prophet, and try to consciously include the spirit of Jesus in my work. I think this El Greco exhibit was the necessary catalyst to give me hope of resolving my conflicts with Christianity. It’s certainly some kind of synchronicity that my Adventure of Self-Love would climax with an epiphany of Christ.

For years I’ve been able to do intuitive readings for people.  Many have suggested that I put up a website and try to make some money.  I always wondered what my web presence should be.  I didn’t want to get sucked into the competitive shallowness with Doreen Virtue and Sylvia Browne.  I wanted to do something real, but I just don’t want to “be” anything in the websphere.

However, I’ve been reading Shaman Durek’s Spirit Hacking and after years of being unable to grasp the concept, he has clued me in on “self-love”.  I’m finally able to practice it in the last 48 hours, because I read his book.  This is a similar breakthrough for me to the time eight years ago I read A Course in Miracles and was finally able to “get” self-forgiveness.  I still use it all the time.  Now, on day two of my adventure of self-love, I have decided to focus on nothing else for at least ten days, climaxing with my return trip to the Art Institute.  We’ll see at the end of this time if a continuous practice of self-love has accomplished anything in my life.

Last night at John’s circle I was trying to experience self-love while sharing with the group.  It was difficult. I could feel it present in me, but it’s as though the water-tap is stuck in the off position.  Once I get it going I expect it to flow freely, and to solve my problem of how to present myself on the web.

This morning I had an amazing dream.  I was playing a song on my iPhone but it wound up on a soundsystem in a cabinet right beside me.  I looked out through a door and saw Princess Leia.  As I walked toward her she appeard to be possessed by darkness and demonic.  As I finally got to her the forces of darkness were all around me, screaming, clawing at me, but I knew that the secret was to not react to them and they would “spin out” and destroy themselves.  Then there was a giant, scary spider behind me making horrifying chittering sounds, but I was still okay.

Then I woke up.  I lay in bed for a while and then I had a hynpogogic vision of the MCU’s Scarlet Witch looking down on me with op-art rings in her eyes, like an old horror movie.  That was cool because it was a sign from one of my angels that the whole dream was a symbolic communication of the archetypes of Saturn. 

So this is a very auspicious day for me and no matter what I’m thinking of in my usual Neptunian wanderings, I’m just switching everything to self-love.  I’m going to record a lot of it here and see what kind of story it adds up to after I visit the Art Institute again. 7/20/2020 8:37 AM

I’ve been listening to Game of Thrones on Audible for more than a year, although I did take several months off when L.A. Fitness was closed. Today I’m getting a visceral sense of what the violence in stories like this does, psychically, and I’m wondering why I should want to do this to my friends who are interested in shamanism. Even though I’d love to write a novel, I have one planned out, and I think I can do it, why do I want anyone to feel the way this novel makes people feel? What about this was supposed to be important? I loved my fantasies so much I thought it would be paradise to make them real, but this world is so awful (and the HBO series of Game of Thrones was so awful) that it doesn’t make any difference to me anymore. How can this be spiritual? I can only transmit the light that it is my part in the cosmos to transmit, but is that something I really care about when all it does is expand this filthy, ugly world full of horrible people? In some ways I’ve made myself into nothing in this world because I despise the human experience. I think that was one of the reasons I loved rock music – because it’s so harsh it can annihilate a person’s individuality for a brief moment. I wanted to annihilate my individuality in rock – it’s very Piscean. The Piscean element of my personality holds this world in a positively medieval contempt. What’s the solution? I don’t know but there has to be a way to manage it, and writing this post did give me some insights into where these thoughts belong in relation to the rest of my personality, and even some ideas about what to write that might satisfy my contradictory hungers for life and death.