I’ve been listening to Game of Thrones on Audible for more than a year, although I did take several months off when L.A. Fitness was closed. Today I’m getting a visceral sense of what the violence in stories like this does, psychically, and I’m wondering why I should want to do this to my friends who are interested in shamanism. Even though I’d love to write a novel, I have one planned out, and I think I can do it, why do I want anyone to feel the way this novel makes people feel? What about this was supposed to be important? I loved my fantasies so much I thought it would be paradise to make them real, but this world is so awful (and the HBO series of Game of Thrones was so awful) that it doesn’t make any difference to me anymore. How can this be spiritual? I can only transmit the light that it is my part in the cosmos to transmit, but is that something I really care about when all it does is expand this filthy, ugly world full of horrible people? In some ways I’ve made myself into nothing in this world because I despise the human experience. I think that was one of the reasons I loved rock music – because it’s so harsh it can annihilate a person’s individuality for a brief moment. I wanted to annihilate my individuality in rock – it’s very Piscean. The Piscean element of my personality holds this world in a positively medieval contempt. What’s the solution? I don’t know but there has to be a way to manage it, and writing this post did give me some insights into where these thoughts belong in relation to the rest of my personality, and even some ideas about what to write that might satisfy my contradictory hungers for life and death.