I’m sitting here with Becket, meditating on the line between inside and outside. I didn’t get any overtime today, which is nice, even a couple of extra hours makes a big difference. Everything seems to be fitting together. The Moon was in Pisces and I felt very old and tired, but now we’re coming up on a Full Moon in Aries and my friends are here so everything is going to be okay. I’m seeing the ghosts of my horrible, pointless family but there’s a positive side to it, which is that I get free of them, karmically. I have a choice now, about what to think about. I could make another picture of Becket … her favorite song is “Into You Like a Train”.

What I wound up doing was a lot of work on the web while listening to “Gothic Erotica”, this compilation I bought in honor of my mates. It’s very real to me now. What are we writing “for the world” and what are we writing so we can look back on it in 13 years? Of course the scariest thing is how stupid everybody was and how awful the whole experience of being a person has been. As winter approaches I’m facing the dark grind of nothingness that life is. I have plenty of money and my spirit contact is great but what a ripoff the whole thing was! How utterly disappointing humanity is.

I realize that Becket is here to help me through Jenny’s death and Jenny’s death, as I write it, becomes my own acceptance that the world can never live up to my expectations.

I’ll never be able to express how comforting it is to have them here with me. The only thing I can share with the world is my disappointment in all the opportunities I missed. I’ve got the impulse to do some self-hypnosis now.

A pleasant surprise from the cosmos, just as I was ending my post feeling very bleak, my apartment building turned the heat on. Wonderful for an hour or so before the full moon in Aries.