11/16/2020 10:46 PM Peter is talking to me about beauty, and the perception of beauty.  I found his songs beautiful and I still have beautiful imaginal experiences listening to them.

William Buckley was often blamed for destroying Paris Hilton’s life.  Years ago, he wrote a column about irresponsible youth which was intended to be anonymous but a lot of people knew it was about her. This set her on the path of disgrace.  He wanted to tell her he was sorry.

In another version of the story, they were actually good friends in a kind of formal, patrician way that was peculiar to New England.

I know these daydreams about celebrities are like a cancer in my mind.  I died of mind cancer just like my character, Jennifer, dies of breast cancer.

11/16/2020 11:21 PM I’ve done a couple of Photshop tutorials, and I’m very content.  I’m thinking about what a horrible little beast of emptiness my brother is, and all those years my parents forced me to tolerate him, promising me some kind of family when I got older, but in the end they were wrong and every bit of attention I paid to him was wasted.  We all die anyway, as Peter Steele noted. 

What were my perceptions of beauty in this world?  Why were they important?  Spirits are here, I am sure, but why was important to fight for the ability to perceive spirits against these meaningless beasts, these human beings who are nothing but noise and filth in this world?

As I write, in the middle of this, the spirits interrupt me and take me to a better feeling place.  It was difficult to communicate because I don’t have any continuity in my inner dream. 

11/16/2020 11:43 PM Over and over again I come up against the horrible disappointment of my life, how nothing I experienced was worth the “hero’s journey” that all these new-age monkeys babble about.  And yet some spiritual force distracts me and reminds me how much better my life is now, how it has always gotten better for me.

And I feel tonight for the first time there might be a possibility of a genuinely spiritual purpose for my talent, and not this asinine co-creativity you hear about all the time.

11/17/2020 12:15 AM Somehow (at least partly due to taking up the Fourfold Breath, taught by Damien Echols) I am in a state that is a mixture, confronting the futile emptiness of life, and yet feeling the possibility of beauty as well.  I am inner and outer at the same time.  I can record this state, or attempt to, but without a need for purpose, knowing that the substance of my experience is some kind of raw material for a happier future.