11/17/2020 12:20 AM So I can definitely say in the future that I had a mystical experience involving the ghost of Peter Steele and some kind of refinement of my understanding of the meaning of beauty, from the perspective of souls who have created beauty in the world.  And suddenly I realize that the fact that I am working on Photoshop tutorials tonight is drawing information from the collective unconscious.  Also, Peter will be a consultant on my novel, The Darkening of the Light.  People will remember Jennifer somewhat the way I and others remember Peter.  It hurts too much to think about that right now, but that’s definitely an increment of improvement, an adaptation, if you will.

11/17/2020 12:32 AM I’m working six days a week right now so I was feeling rushed to get to some dramatic sense of freedom, but Peter is telling me to relax about it.  The overwork is tiring but it’s also a significant amount of money, and it’s only another month.  Everyone is socially distancing anyway, so it’s not like there’s anything to do.  Something was coming from this event, this night, something for me to look back on and my focus now is on what to record, what detail to pick out of the shadow region between light and dark.

11/17/2020 12:55 AM I messed around with Poser a bit and then I read and reposted an article about Peter.  There was a recent article about Marilyn Manson next to it. 

11/17/2020 1:09 AM It’s a little while later, I have Poser open and I’m glad outoftouch is having a sale.  I’m thinking about evil entertainers and would-be entertainers I’ve met, and wondering what role they play in cosmic evolution.

11/17/2020 1:15 AM Peter was a self-described Type A personality who was apparently on Riker’s Island for a while … is it worth it to go to Riker’s Island to be an entertainer?  To leave beauty in the world? 

11/17/2020 1:25 AM So, guys, what was going on right before the recent libel verdict, when I suddenly discovered the blazing soundtrack to the first Pirates of the Caribbean Movie and listened to it seven or eight times in one night?  Was there some kind of cosmic or astral attunement to Johnny Depp?  I wound up on the Patreon account of his pal Damien Echols.

11/17/2020 1:29 AM I was listening to “Breed” thinking about all the psychic gossip about Courtney Love that surrounded that song.   Then “Girl’s Got Rhythm”, very subdued here in the dark with the running lights.  “Highway To Hell”, thinking of all the times I’ve rehearsed Adrial’s transformation in my mind.  This song is somewhat appropriate for Zoe as well.  “Shoot To Thrill”.  AC/DC sounds so gentle and familiar in the cozy darkness.

What did I ever get for this? 

11/17/2020 1:48 AM It’s gratifying to see how my thought progresses minute by minute.  I’m downloading orders from Renderosity.  I’ve been doing 3D illustration for about 3 years  now, thinking about how the beauty of the process has changed.  It’s not so alien now.  Images are not so beyond my control and so the makers of images are not particularly fascinating anymore.  They don’t seem very powerful.

11/17/2020 1:51 AM Immersed in the beauty of 3D, I can see the hole in my soul, the wrongness of my life that my family were totally unpleasant to me, so I made up another world of the potential of beauty and focused all of my emotional energy there.  The blackness that used to separate me from humanity is mostly gone, I don’t have too many problems expressing myself, only the question of whether this inner world is some kind of spiritual connection to a higher dimension.  It seems to be.

11/17/2020 2:08 AM But there’s a strange blankness to it.  I had to “understand” it, work my way around the blackness.  And what a struggle to work my way around it, that leaves only a trail of emptiness, the horrible people I knew and their pointless, disgusting lives. 

11/17/2020 2:42 AM Who am I and what am I?  It feels as though the separating darkness is some kind of mistake about what I am that is just about to be corrected. 

11/17/2020 4:18 AM I did a ton of work. It’s a nice feeling to so quickly realize a picture that was only an idea last week. This party has gone extremely smoothly.  I am incorporating the musical aspect which makes it such a deep trance.