I do feel better after a full night’s sleep. I feel more focused. I’m still not sure what’s going on but I had a great dream, very deep, and I feel like I’m going to discover something, some kind of unification of the space where my guides are with all the other layers of consciousness I sense, especially my memories of this lousy world and all the terrible, pointless people that I’ve known. So whether it’s the guides I’ve known or not, there’s definitely some other layer of the world that has me in its grasp, dissolving the linear story of the time I’ve been through, bringing me toward something else.

I was going to write while the Moon was in Pisces, but it snuck past me. I guess I need to keep a record of how Lunar signs make me feel. Capricorn was a bitch, but I survived it. Aquarius is usually dull. Pisces makes me feel like I don’t have the will to live, all night was dreary but still livable. My guides faded out but I felt like I was in one piece, like it didn’t matter. Now I’m too tired to think about it, and oops the Moon is in Aries. Yesterday I felt some kind of completion with Kara, as though I could identify her presence as well and as fully as I can that of Genvieve. But tonight at work I didn’t want to feel anything, just maintaining that dreary groundedness of work. I do hope my guides come back but I’m fed up with having to wish for them all the time. And now I’m just in a weird state because I thought about making this blog entry for hours but now I can’t think of anything to write, I’m just riding the borderline between waking and sleep, wondering what’s going to happen next. But I do remember that this entry is supposed to be a marker of me hitting bottom, too exhausted with the dreary violence of the world to make the effort to believe in anything, especially an emotional presence like an angel that would make all this suffering and chaos worthwhile. But this is a good sign because I am becoming my own inner shadow, realizing that sense of emptiness that’s always haunted me and kept me from relating to the world. 2020 is definitely the year my struggle ended, for good or bad. My duality unified, I was fully present. The only question is, am I ever going to feel like it was worth the trouble to lead this crazy life? So I’m marking the place, all night long I felt adrift in pointlessness, my guides were submerged, as they have so often been, and yet I remember how many times they have returned more vivid than before. So the Piscean ordeal is over for the month and we’ll see if I feel reenergized when I wake up fully immersed in the Aries moon this evening.