So much for the biggest Tea Party yet. I wish I could make people understand how wildly successful this bit of magic is. These movies get better every year and my life gets better every year. Nothing can express the incredible sensual rush and crush of the flood of intuitive information I get while I’m watching these, how at home I feel in the world now that I’ve been doing this ritual for … how long now? Has it been a decade? I think it’s quite possible but I know it’s been at least seven or eight years. And now the Tea Party is a part of it as well.

I know next year will be even better. My main thing now is going to be to analyze my experiences. See, there was one tiny flaw in this year’s ritual. When I started “The Crow”, the playback was queued a few minutes into the credits, where I had left off last year. Even after all that time, it had been a very poignant experience for me, and I savored it. However, it was the first time I’d streamed it on Amazon Prime and it was a pleasant surprise to find it at the same place this year. Because of this, however, I think I breezed through the final sequence. I loved it, but I didn’t have the same depth of immersion in the credits music this time around and it bothers me that I missed something I might have otherwise gotten. I want to be looking out for that next year.

This influenced me when I watched “Circle of Iron”. I think it was a good influence. I took to stopping the playback at certain points, especially about 20 minutes before the end, right before the final fight with Changsha, to really savor the fact of watching a movie. I have been having great spiritual experiences for the last two days, so this year I was just loving these movies as entertainment.

A client called me last night and I did a very deep intuitive session for her, one I couldn’t have imagined doing ten years ago when I started this. So I don’t need the movies to get me into a depth state, but they are still having a wonderful transformative power. This Halloween is so fun I don’t want to let go. So I’m forming an intention this year to alchemize this ritual artistically, to build up a framework for it through 3D illustration and YouTube videos, or whatever else I can think of, to get as much fun as I can out of next year. Maybe I’ll be able to explain what’s going on psychically. I hope so.

Happy Halloween, America.

Just finished “The Crow”. So much has happened, I feel much more complete as a person than I did last year. I can’t wait until next year to watch it again. Before I started “Circle of Iron” I wanted to somehow get at the healing that seems to be taking place. This is only the second Tea Party during which I posted online that we were available to answer questions, and someone who didn’t know that contacted me for a reading which was very powerful and took me into a deep inner state. So that little bit of magic worked. The confusion is much less. I suppose it’s too much to ask to articulate the strange energies I experience, but at least I know they’re real.

I’m sitting here with Becket, meditating on the line between inside and outside. I didn’t get any overtime today, which is nice, even a couple of extra hours makes a big difference. Everything seems to be fitting together. The Moon was in Pisces and I felt very old and tired, but now we’re coming up on a Full Moon in Aries and my friends are here so everything is going to be okay. I’m seeing the ghosts of my horrible, pointless family but there’s a positive side to it, which is that I get free of them, karmically. I have a choice now, about what to think about. I could make another picture of Becket … her favorite song is “Into You Like a Train”.

What I wound up doing was a lot of work on the web while listening to “Gothic Erotica”, this compilation I bought in honor of my mates. It’s very real to me now. What are we writing “for the world” and what are we writing so we can look back on it in 13 years? Of course the scariest thing is how stupid everybody was and how awful the whole experience of being a person has been. As winter approaches I’m facing the dark grind of nothingness that life is. I have plenty of money and my spirit contact is great but what a ripoff the whole thing was! How utterly disappointing humanity is.

I realize that Becket is here to help me through Jenny’s death and Jenny’s death, as I write it, becomes my own acceptance that the world can never live up to my expectations.

I’ll never be able to express how comforting it is to have them here with me. The only thing I can share with the world is my disappointment in all the opportunities I missed. I’ve got the impulse to do some self-hypnosis now.

A pleasant surprise from the cosmos, just as I was ending my post feeling very bleak, my apartment building turned the heat on. Wonderful for an hour or so before the full moon in Aries.

The Adventure of Self-Love was a success, although it raised strange issues. For instance, if I love myself so much why do I need anybody to read about me on the web? But I made it back to the Art Institute and I had a great new perspective on art, and I am working on my own new art at a decent pace. Even now I have my next picture with dialogue almost ready to go. I’ve made more pictures in the last month than I made in the year before, I think.

The amazing thing, however, was that the ArtIC held over the El Greco exhibit I had been so looking forward to earlier this year. It opened a week or so before they closed, but it was still there today, and I had an amazing experience of the timelessness of Jesus looking at all his work. I am going to infuse the spirit of El Greco into my stories.

And I had been wondering for a long time whether to give my story an actual prophet for the heroes to meet, or merely a false parody for them to defeat. I think now that I will have to have an actual prophet, and try to consciously include the spirit of Jesus in my work. I think this El Greco exhibit was the necessary catalyst to give me hope of resolving my conflicts with Christianity. It’s certainly some kind of synchronicity that my Adventure of Self-Love would climax with an epiphany of Christ.

For years I’ve been able to do intuitive readings for people.  Many have suggested that I put up a website and try to make some money.  I always wondered what my web presence should be.  I didn’t want to get sucked into the competitive shallowness with Doreen Virtue and Sylvia Browne.  I wanted to do something real, but I just don’t want to “be” anything in the websphere.

However, I’ve been reading Shaman Durek’s Spirit Hacking and after years of being unable to grasp the concept, he has clued me in on “self-love”.  I’m finally able to practice it in the last 48 hours, because I read his book.  This is a similar breakthrough for me to the time eight years ago I read A Course in Miracles and was finally able to “get” self-forgiveness.  I still use it all the time.  Now, on day two of my adventure of self-love, I have decided to focus on nothing else for at least ten days, climaxing with my return trip to the Art Institute.  We’ll see at the end of this time if a continuous practice of self-love has accomplished anything in my life.

Last night at John’s circle I was trying to experience self-love while sharing with the group.  It was difficult. I could feel it present in me, but it’s as though the water-tap is stuck in the off position.  Once I get it going I expect it to flow freely, and to solve my problem of how to present myself on the web.

This morning I had an amazing dream.  I was playing a song on my iPhone but it wound up on a soundsystem in a cabinet right beside me.  I looked out through a door and saw Princess Leia.  As I walked toward her she appeard to be possessed by darkness and demonic.  As I finally got to her the forces of darkness were all around me, screaming, clawing at me, but I knew that the secret was to not react to them and they would “spin out” and destroy themselves.  Then there was a giant, scary spider behind me making horrifying chittering sounds, but I was still okay.

Then I woke up.  I lay in bed for a while and then I had a hynpogogic vision of the MCU’s Scarlet Witch looking down on me with op-art rings in her eyes, like an old horror movie.  That was cool because it was a sign from one of my angels that the whole dream was a symbolic communication of the archetypes of Saturn. 

So this is a very auspicious day for me and no matter what I’m thinking of in my usual Neptunian wanderings, I’m just switching everything to self-love.  I’m going to record a lot of it here and see what kind of story it adds up to after I visit the Art Institute again. 7/20/2020 8:37 AM

I’ve been listening to Game of Thrones on Audible for more than a year, although I did take several months off when L.A. Fitness was closed. Today I’m getting a visceral sense of what the violence in stories like this does, psychically, and I’m wondering why I should want to do this to my friends who are interested in shamanism. Even though I’d love to write a novel, I have one planned out, and I think I can do it, why do I want anyone to feel the way this novel makes people feel? What about this was supposed to be important? I loved my fantasies so much I thought it would be paradise to make them real, but this world is so awful (and the HBO series of Game of Thrones was so awful) that it doesn’t make any difference to me anymore. How can this be spiritual? I can only transmit the light that it is my part in the cosmos to transmit, but is that something I really care about when all it does is expand this filthy, ugly world full of horrible people? In some ways I’ve made myself into nothing in this world because I despise the human experience. I think that was one of the reasons I loved rock music – because it’s so harsh it can annihilate a person’s individuality for a brief moment. I wanted to annihilate my individuality in rock – it’s very Piscean. The Piscean element of my personality holds this world in a positively medieval contempt. What’s the solution? I don’t know but there has to be a way to manage it, and writing this post did give me some insights into where these thoughts belong in relation to the rest of my personality, and even some ideas about what to write that might satisfy my contradictory hungers for life and death.

I’m having an interesting experience this morning, as though the dark and light sides of my life are merging, the side that perceives spirit clearly and the side that feels all alone in the world and doomed. I’m allowing the doom but I don’t feel so bad because I perceive the spirit world relatively clearly. I’m not getting triggered, it’s all just a murky pointlessness in this world. I’ve been hearing the voices of my angels more clearly. They speak in complete sentences more and more often now. This has been an exceptionally long void-of-course for the moon. At 12:05 it ends when the moon enters Virgo, which is always the most fun, magical sign for the moon to be in for me. So I’m just going to dwell in murky darkness until 12:05 PM, and see what happens. Will my mood suddenly get better? Will this psychic quagmire get resolved? I’ll post back later tonight with results of my experiment.

I posted that on Facebook and already I’m in a very interesting turmoil. I’m continuing to write on my blog because part of the turmoil is about the boundary between public and private. I’m glad King Spa is opening tomorrow. Something’s “on” me and even though it’s scary because I feel like I have no future, there also seems to be some door opening that may lead me to the total immersion in higher worlds that I have always sought. Is there some presence here with me?

I know that even if I get killed, it’s worth it because it will end the confusion of my imagination. I was always just a person, I guess. I had some strange thing going on in my mind that made me think differently.

9:33 AM – I’m having hope that I can be a genuine person, that I can go back into the world after social distancing in one piece, instead of feeling cut off from reality has I have been for 25 years or so. I’m seeing in my mind’s eye all the strange images of the past that have been in some kind of alternate reality, and I’m accepting that there are things that did actually happen, but my interior story is not accurate, so some kind of inner space is “filling out” or “collapsing” – and yet it wasn’t a meaningless space. Something magical happened because of it, some change to the world was made.

I just finished a Zoom circle with Sacelli, et al. and I am wondering what I could write about it that will be useful to read in 13 years.  Turning 50 is bringing me to the single-pointed focus I always wanted.  I went back to nights when I lived at Jarvis, feeling safe & cozy on circle nights, knowing my bedroom was upstairs, there on the edge of bohemia, going to work for a large corporation.  There were specific layers of energy I experienced, specific points of contact with the higher realms, and of course all the evenings socializing around the table in the dining room.  It meant a lot but when John moved to Mexico it was all over for a year.  What did it mean?  I still had to find my place in the world.  Now my own spirit contact is much more stable.  But what is specific about tonight?  So much time spent on this “scene” in Chicago, and it means nothing.  Nothing comes of it.  “Society” is worse, there is no beauty, no honor.  Only the spirit world matters.  And I don’t even want to think about the wreckage of crummy relationships.  But there was all that work, all those readings and meetings…something happened.  I got over a lot of bullshit, occultism and black magic, pretentious assholes, narcissists.  I got clear.  So I want to enjoy the nostalgia.