“I don’t know if this is Buffy Redux, but by making yourself do this you seem to think you will regain what you lost.  We are totally uninterested in these things.  We are interested in your assistance.”

“I need a kind of clarity in the upper right quadrant of my mind.  I need a solid frame of reference against which to test and surrender ego.”

“Quadrant 2 or Quadrant 4.  You will find.”

“Where are we going?  We’re going home.”

“Let’s have fun,” she said.  “And then there was some really great music on the radio.

“We’re going to figure this out, we’re only good and  bad.”

Movement of imagery.  “So you wanted to write fiction.  You are exceptionally stubborn.”

Obviously there’s someone here and I’m very happy.  “We are beginning.” Spiral, obelisk.

Light, dark.  Neil Gaiman, children, this sort of thing, a place in the world.  The other dimension became very thick.  There was nowhere to go.

All was dark, but the loft was vast.  “These are the aspects.”

The voyage, step by step.  They did indeed do these things.  It’s time for a big change, we can go back over it later.  Then the other spirits were there and they needed to make some kind of metaphor.  They live in cities.

And the energy came pouring in.  There was a sense of displacement.  It was his struggle to record all  that he had seen.  “I’ve seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.”

“We’re going to get this done, and we’re going to go farther.  We need a process to review this.”  “What are we building toward?”

Juliet.

The long, low, dim hall and there is Spike, growling about the future.  And then Shatner is talking about what is necessary to maintain order.  “And they are all terrified but this is an exciting movie, so of course they screw it up.”

George Kennedy is around.  Thinking about talking about about.  Thinking about the Archer and the Sorceress.

I don’t care about any of these things.  Martin Landau did some terrible ritual magic with James Dean?  No, I don’t know.  Where is the secret cult?  There isn’t one.

Then I was talking about the Stromkirk and the Stromgald.  Anthony Hopkins and all.  Who gives a shit?  What is this order?  The Bureaucracy.

Well, we need to be moving toward something.  I can’t be wasting my time moving toward this fucking crap.  I have to have some order here.  So the order is Kara?

I guess I have to straighten out something about Saint Germain.  And then I have to get clear what I’m doing here.  I start contacting Kara and then my awareness of Sandra gets stronger.  What if the Occult Bookstore crowd put black magic on me?  One of the illusions is of movement.  All right now, I’ve got to do something with this.  Martin Landau.  I wish I knew the fucking purpose.  The purpose is discovery!  Shouts whatsisface.  Where is the target in all this vagueness?  Juliet?

They were all together.  “Man, this is exhausting.”

“We have to clear this out,” said Carl.  “It will change.”

“I hate boredom.  Juliet Landau is watching me.  Of course everyone is watching everyone, but I have a task. I am a psychic.  I am approaching the infinity of Buffy.”

“I can’t believe you said that,” said Beth.  Outside, the wind howled.

“It’s just that something’s cracked and broken in my mind.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do about it?  We have to go deeper into the night.”  The wheels were spinning in his mind.  “We have to kill the enemy.”

“Well, let’s go find him,” said Beth.  So they were out the door and down the street, looking for a man of evil, knowing that Zane was ready for anything.

“Buffy, I love you,” said Giles.  “I will be by your side forever.”  But it was only causing her turmoil because she knew he would never love her the way she needed to be loved.

“Well, fuck it, we need to know what we’re going to do, anyway.  We can’t wind beack the clock, but we can do something about the memory gaps.”

“It’s changing him too dramatically.  That’s why he does this and does that.”

“There’s some kind of compression, and it’s getting better and better in that direction.”  The scenes of the past were beginning to become real to him.  Hopefully there would be some other energy and things would feel better, but I read for this guy an hour and a half last night and it went extremely well.  I heard Humberto talking about me, but I don’t think it matters too much.  The spirit world is going to be there for me and with me so I need to make adjustments to that.

“I love you, Jason,” said Willow.  “We’ll be able to get a handle on these experiences.”

“But we have to find the villain,” Giles reminded them.  “I think it has something to do with suffering, but how would I know?  My depictions are based upon something else.”  So what happens to the junkies?  It doesn’t matter.  I just wanted to do the forgiveness thing, and now to some extent I’m involved in this other silliness as well.

Ho hum.  At least we’re all together.  That was important to me, not knowing how to belong to anything.  But then the white light came down, and the strange, distorting energy.  He could see other lights making themselves known as well.  Well, what are they all going to do, I wonder?  The point was that he was in the midst of a difference and he couldn’t tell anyone what it was.  However, he could do something darker.  Then the energy swept down deeply.

“We have to find a new language,” he said, “Or do we?  Maybe it’s Juliet Landau.  Maybe I’m supposed to talk to her.”  All he could hear was “Kiss on My List.”

Oh, and there’s stern, ugly Nancy who thinks she’s going to bark her little bark now.

Giles was always there.  Timmer was, too.  They had some drinks and they were listening to music.

“I think we may get killed at some point.”

“So what if we did?  We’re heroes.”  The light of souls was blazing.  “She’s trying to tell you something.”

The Angel of Candlelight Orange had a couple of things to say.  She was glowing beautifully bright as she emerged from another dimension it seemed almost as though she had simply stepped out of the back hall.

“‘Chicks With Sticks’ is a cool name.” she said.

“Okay, you can call yourselves Chicks with Sticks.”

“Thanks, daddy,” lisped Amy.

“Now we have issues to deal with.  We have some kind of mission, right?  The power is coming down.”

“You have more decisions to make,” said Kara.  “You can go anywhere and do anything with this.”

“Well we have to understand Buffy.  Buffy is a clue to the big mystery.”

“I don’t mind watching Buffy for the rest of the year,” said Beth.  “But you’re going to have to get a handle on your own dreams.  You can’t keep wandering around like that.”

It was a hot night.  The windows were open, the radio was playing.    “It’s his memory,” said Giles.  “His dreams have been bleeding into the world and now we have to bring them into focus.”

“Did I forget everything?” he asked.  “Is it all pain?”

“How long have we been friends?” asked Amy.  “Seriously?”

“About five minutes in another dimension, or something.”  Then there was a dark pressure again.  “I have to go, I’m sorry.” he put his hand to his head and got up to go.  He passed down the long hall and out into the night.  Through the window, he could hear the radio in the library playing “Texas Radio”.

The zombies were on the sidewalk that led into the woods behind the school.  “God damn it, not zombies again!” he groaned.

He leapt forward and kicked one in the chest, it fell back with a groan and the other tried to grab him.  The angel appeared in a pillar of fire, bearing his sword.  Taking lithely he spun and decapitated the one that was coming behind him.  The next he stabbed in the throat so that it staggered into the trees.  The first still lay on the ground struggling to get up; he kicked it down and stepped on its head.

“Jason, I’m sorry!” it was Beth calling from behind him.  “I’m sorry this is all happening to you.  I just think you should know that.”  Crying, she came forward from the shadows and into his arms, he held her.  “I’m sorry it has to go on like this.”

“I’ll be okay, I guess.” he said.  “At least I’ll be able to figure out where I’m going.   Thank you.”

“Your perceptions will expand.” said the Angel.  “It’s best to try to sleep now.  Thank you Beth.”  Beth kissed his cheek and went back into the school.  He continued along the path, out into the night.  He thought about watching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” on his phone.

“Okay, so I’ve got the music playing.”

I don’t know if this is going to work right away.

It was the usual Sunday afternoon at Graham Crackers Comics.  There was that sense that if he could just follow the thread a little further it would fill him up somehow.  It hurt, there just under the surface of his imagination was something real, something he had never shared with anyone.  It was like a memory of a happier life he could have had, and there were lots of fantasies of his horrible grandmother.  Childhood brutality, paranoid conspiracies.  And then the magic.  Also gyro sandwiches from the restaurant around the corner by the Bryn Mawr station.  It was something he needed to grasp, and there was also an angel there.  On some days he had amazing experiences of other worlds.  He did that when he shopped a lot.  Perhaps it was Mercury and Splendor.

There had been that day at Quake toys when he felt really cool, like he was at an awesome rock show or something.  And then that signing by Alex Ross when he felt a shining light within, and there was Alex Ross.  Suddenly he flashed on Austin Osman Spare.

What I don’t know, said the Angel, is whether you can write and listen to music at the same time or not.

But it didn’t matter he knew, because the sharper vision was coming through.

And he knew they were watching him, causing ripples in his mind.  He knew they were preparing things for him, and there was something for him to do.  Soon the barriers would fall and he would be able to talk to the ones he wanted to talk to.  There was some kind of energy around him growing stronger every day.

Buffy was so cute.  He wondered what to do next.  “We are all together,” said Giles.  “We didn’t get it this time, but we’ll try again.  And that never happens anyway.”

“I don’t want this to happen again,” said Temilyn.  “I keep working on this and it keeps fucking me up.  I’m just not going to let it happen.”

“No, you’re quite right,” said Timmer.  “We could all just lighten up a bit.”

“It is magic, you know,” said Veronica.  “It’s a little silly.  It’s actually ridiculous, but we have to deal with it.  And let me tell you I don’t mind killing everyone.”

Adrial laughed.  “All right, let there be blood,” she said.  The men were climbing in the trees.  “We have to make this work.”

Zack stabbed him in the head.  “I love that song,” he said.  And we are going to get 500 words out of you tonight.  We are channeling you know.

“Well, I’m the Messiah he said.  Obviously, why would god grant me this.”

“God didn’t grant you this, I did.”

“Well, I guess we’re going to be doing something now.”

Meanwhile, the owner was crouched in his goofy cave, praying to his statue as everything died.  “No, we have to get it a little better than this. You see it takes something to fill this up.”

“We have to get to the killing.  It’s not that hard once you get started.”

There was magic and such beauty between them. It always makes me feel so safe, coming to the library … she was saying.  “Zack, you’re so fucking spectacular you kill people. We have to do something about this.”

“They’re talking about me in another room, and I can’t remember any god damn thing!”

“Zack, you have to work with me.” he could hear her thoughts in his mind.

“Well, here we are now, and we have to do something.” said Giles.

Beth was there too.  “Of course I’m imaginary.  But at least we’re doing something.”

“How did you want people to feel, anyway?” asked Giles.

“I don’t know, but I’m doing it again.  How do I make people feel like this, Timmer.”

“Do you want to make people feel like this?”

“Are we going around in circles again?  Something has to exist here.  We have to move forward with it.”

The angel came down with a golden light, and a sharpness, cutting away the physical plane.  “Now we are in a space, what do you see?”

“On the surface, it’s golden, but then it turns reddish.”

“Remember, Captain Scarlet is indestructible.  Do not try to imitate him.”

“But then where do we go?” asked Willow.  “It was the love we shared.”

“Something bad happened, Jason.  You have to try to remember.”

“You can’t take the last bit of someone and get away with it.”

“How do I get Buffyness into this?  It probably takes years of practice.”

“No, it doesn’t take years of practice, it takes some ass-kicking angels.  So here we are, and deal with it.  Welcome to the Hellmouth.”

The library was all dark wood and old.  The books were leather.  “Do we really need a library?  The information comes so fast.”

“Everything echoes across the world.”

“We need something that we’re doing.  Peter Murphy or Buffy the Vampire Slayer?”

Amy reminded them, “We need to work on death scenes, killing various people.”

“We are going to bring the magic.”  Well anyway let’s move forward.  We are assembling the mind of all.  It’s just like “Highlander”, and we’re going to get that word count.

“What’s beautiful?  What’s free?” asked Marc.  “I have no idea.  I just want to die fighting for the right thing.”

“Well, I’m just bloody exhausted,” said Giles.  “I have to get some sleep.”

She couldn’t control herself.  She ran after him and made a pass at him.  “Oh, dear.  No, darling, I can’t do that.”

“Anyway, let’s go crazy.”  It gets so that’s all they care about.  Okay, we’re almost ready and it’s fine.  Now what.  Arrangements.  I don’t care.  That’s how World War I started.  Nevermind, we brought the magic anyway and by the way your little experiment has worked.  So now what?

“That’s it boys, over the hill.” And the war started.

It was a column of ruby-red light that rose in the center of the circle, pulsating with a chiming sound that rose and fell with the light.  The girls began to get dizzy.

“I’m not sure I want this,” he said, looking upon his work and wondering what he had done.

“You have to go forward with it,” urged Barlel, “There’s nothing left.  We can’t go back.  The whole thing is lost and there is no hope left behind us.”

“Just open it!” said John, “Find me a god damn target.”

Sparks flew and tendrils of crimson lightning began to flail around the shadow of the vaulted ceiling as Jason began to concentrate harder.  “I can’t remember!” he said.  “I can’t remember what it was!”

“Keep trying !” said Barlel!  “There’s not much time!”

“You have all the time in the world,” came the voice, “But you have to know where to look.”

“God damn it!” shouted John, drawing his sword and looking around frantically, “Who the hell is that?”

“It’s Loviatar, Maiden of Pain,” said Jason calmly.  “She’s my spirit guide.”

“I knew there was a reason I liked you,” said Barlel.

“Where do I look?” asked Jason. “Where?”

“You are not qualified, you are forbidden.”

“You can not be serious.” he began to calculate how to defeat her, how to keep the slime of her pettiness from affecting his aura.  They were all the same, implacable, obedient morons of cocreation and responsibility to garbage.

He could feel the light of the spirit world around him, as though he were sitting in two rooms at the same time, the light was like a cool breeze, and he could feel the angel’s consciousness trying to reach him.

—

“Well, I’m here at last,” she said.  “You have to reassemble the fragments of your mind.”

“It’s so heavy,” he said, “I hate this.  Everything here is such an effort and it all degenerates into some self-help garbage about cocreation.  I don’t want to cocreate anything here.”

“Go back to feeling,” she said.

From out of nothing came the space.

Everyone was crowded into Dice Dojo.  They were all waiting to play when he ducked into the bathroom.  They had changed some of the posters in there.  They were familiar to him because he read them every time he was in there.  Someone had put up a poster for a new Garth Ennis comic.  He took care of business and then returned to the table.  The food had arrived while he was gone.

“Are we ready now?” he asked, sitting down.  “The enemy is upon us.  Who is red, who is blue?”

“This really ought to be fun, you know.” said Carl.  “You keep making this into the end of the world.”

He opened the box and began arranging pieces on the board.  “I’m looking for something, and I don’t know what it is.”

“You have to get your mind organized,” said John.  “You’re here in the present, and there’s going to be a future.  You have to pick a target.  Something other than Beth’s ass.” he smirked.  She slapped him.

“There’s a center to all of it.  I’m going to show you, Jason.”

“The Dark adventure has just begun,” agreed Barlel. “What are you experiencing?”

“Images keep passing in front of my eyes, things I want to do.” he said.  When you mentioned “The Dark Adventure”, I wanted to go back and watch “The Hindenburg.”  There was something else going on then.  I’m remembering that game we tried to play.  Also Axis and Allies.  What was that teacher’s name?  He told us about Pirates and Voodoo.”

“Mr. Miller,” said Amy.  “He’s here, too.  We’re all here now.  Including Hunter.”

“Where am I going with it?” he asked.  He could see Duane as well. People he didn’t recognize.  Angels.  It was another place.  There was power in it.

“You have to wield the power.” said Duane.

“Their world was never real,” said a voice.  He thought it was Beth.  He couldn’t decide who because he was drifting.  He was remembering that other story about gaming, the one Owen had showed him.  It was going to mean something at some point.

“I keep seeing movie stars,” he said.  “I just saw Natalie Portman.”

There came another voice.  Maybe it was Duane.  Somehow something got hurt.  There is indeed another story and the game is over.  “There is indeed another story and the game is over.”  What now?  What next?  Deeper into the heart of Darkness he thrust.

“Okay, so when we were watching Buffy, I felt like maybe it would be fun to be alive.”

“It’s important to have something going on out there,” said Beth.

They began to play the game and the crystalline formation took place, the reality merged so that the “thickness” appeared in his mind.  He could sense the other beings.  It was like the material plane was a thin veil and he could sense some kind of council or something observing him.  “I always argue with them,” he said.  “But it makes me want to have friends again.”

“Hey,” said Beth, “We’re your friends, Jason.  And we were always here.  You just couldn’t remember.”

“I try, Beth, but it makes me insane.  I’m so angry at being in this stupid, confusing world without direction, with only these obscene Nazis as my family and these asinine messengers of light.”

“Hey, there’s one now!” said John, pointing at the next table where a nebbish-looking freak was typing a stupid meme on his laptop.  “Let’s get him!”  and he jumped up and tackled the guy, beating him severely, knocking over a table.  Eventually he got up off the dude, who ran out of there as fast as he could.

“Isn’t anybody ever going to love me?” asked Jason.  “Isn’t this ever going to make sense?  Will I ever get this blackness out of my face?”

“The magic has been going on,” said Amy, “You’ve seen it work, and it has always gotten better.  There are more intense things happening this weekend.  You should just hold tight.  The visions will get clearer.”

“Yes, I think so,” said Jason, rolling the dice.  He moved his piece along the board.  “Jupiter retrograde is a time of looking back, and Buffy TVS should last about that long, I’ll have to check.”

The visions appeared in the air before him.  “What the hell?” yelled Zane.  “We gotta do something!  Hey!  Mr. Serious!” he went over and kicked Mr. Serious’s ass all up and down the computer lab.  “When is this going to break open?  She did something to close it off?”

“Worse things have happened in the world.  At least you’re not some dumb fucking cocaine cowboy.”

— We have to get down to the feeling — came the voice.  “God damn, I need you,” said Jason, grabbing Amy and kissing her furiously.  “I want to squeeze you so tight you break.”

“You broke me a long time ago,” she whispered breathlessly.

Then he realized they were in another dimension and he was trying to get to them.  But somehow his mind was scrambled —

“No, were here!” Beth interrupted.  “Don’t you go back there!  Don’t you leave me again!”

“But I have to sort it out,” said Jason, looking around the time loop.  “I have to figure out what this is.”

“We’ll sort it out,” said Carl and Beth at the same time.  “The energy will come down.” continued Beth.

“It’s already coming down,” said Carl.  “And don’t fuck around with this, you already learned how to channel.  You were channeling last week and now you know you can do it.  Now you know you’re receiving information from the heavens, now you can feel angels.  God damn, I want to come down there and kick your ass some times, you move so fucking slow.”

“It hurts!” said Jason.

“I know it hurts but it goes on forever.”

“Someone’s here,” said Beth.

–You need to see this, said a voice.  — You need to see the difference between inner and outer.  ‘Nuff said.

There was a space, a shape, and it was totally inside.  It tended to glow, it was like a rumour of glowing, something he’d heard of, but it was really inside his head.  Sometimes it would get all collected in the noise and it was the certainty of another world.  He thought of that buffoon, Ken, who owned the magic shop around the corner.  Just another insane loudmouth asshole who would never get it.  All these crazy-ass losers practicing magic and then the country elects this jackass president.

“And I still work for this totally amoral corporation, this shitty wreck of a conglomerate.”

“There were souls there that were trying to help you,” said Beth, “Even when you were talking to Dave and Mykh.”

“So what the fuck do I do?  And why do I do it?  And when do I get laid?”

“You get laid now, motherfucker!” Amy grabbed him by the hand and pulled him back into the bathroom.  No one was looking as she ducked inside and pulled him in with her — or if they did they didn’t say anything.  She dropped her pants and bent over the sink and he slid it in from behind her.  She liked to talk in bathroom mirrors.  He’d had his dick in her so many times, it made him feel secure.  He could still feel the damage, though, the damage they had done to him.

“It still hurts you, doesn’t it?” she asked.  “Well, it was real, but what they did to themselves was worse.  I wish I could help you!” she started to cry a little and moan as she came.  They were used to doing it in semi-public spaces so she was quiet, but their feelings were all fucked up and knotted and twisted together from years of craziness.

They stepped back out into the game room and rejoined the table.  “The problem is I can’t fucking remember.  I hit these dead zones and it’s like none of it exists.  And there’s never anyone to help me, and what the fuck am I supposed to be doing here?” he asked again.

Moon in Gemini, very shallow.

Yesterday I sat in the car for a long time,  having an experience of inner councils.  It was very cold and I had a lot of drinks to get inside.

I took a nap and then went to run.  I was very happy that I watched Buffy.  I went down to Edgewater.  I was pretty rushed, but I sat in Dice Dojo for a long while feeling the presence of spirits, especially Sandra.  I went home and had a salad at Osco.  It was pretty exciting.  I had a conversation with the guy at Gamestop.  I remembered to call on Sandra to be with me.  I went home and cleaned all night, even though I had a terrible toothache or jaw pain from grinding my teeth.  I assembled models and stuff.  It was pretty cool.  I made headway.

This morning I went to mediate and it was pretty good.  I kind of vowed to start cleaning 6 minutes a day (actually five, but the typo of 6 makes me just go ahead and vow 6).  I forgot my Perrier at Tracie’s so I went back for it.  On the way home I had more dystopian images of Ann Davies.  I stood in the kitchen eating yogurt and being paranoid that Dave Schultz doesn’t like me, or is going to bring the hammer down on me, but I think I can adapt to these things.  I’m happy I have all day to clean.  It’s very magic.