The Blue House

From the Blog of Drake Marshall, Summer of 2020:

I have to tell you what happened in Peoria. We were all Goths and we had heard of this place called the Blue House, down in Peoria. It was the ultimate Goth hangout, we found out later that it was condemned, overrun with mice, insane mice that had bred into mutants from the pesticides and thronged through the walls like locusts. This high school girl had run away from home, her father was a creepy, corrupt cop, and she had squatted there in this little Mouse House, but she was an artistic genius and really into goth so she got these aquariums from an abandoned pet store or warehouse or something and filled them with fish and then put blue lights behind them, some of them moved like disco lights, and then she would have these insane parties where everyone would trip and listen to the Cure or whatever. Her boyfriend moved in and he was a psycho bitch who would literally throw people who pissed him off down the stairs, so at the start the parties were very well behaved and became quite popular. People heading down to Carbondale and Saint Louis would stop there – including touring bands so it became a known spot you could get invited to if you were cool. Everyone wound up there, even some celebrities. I heard Duran Duran was there one night. Somebody said they saw Stiv Bators with Vaclav Havel. The problem was, my father knew who the boyfriend was, the son of an intel officer he’d known in Vietnam, and it was causing huge problems for the girl’s father, who was in on the local heroin trade, which was being amped up by Chicago street gangs. In a town of 100,000 people, it became a total hotspot and the girl was killed under mysterious circumstances. There were rumours she’d been a witch, with a coven there. My father knew about it and told me never to talk about it. Later that summer the most prominent columnist for the Peoria Journal Star died in a car accident when his brakes failed on the McClugage bridge and his RV flipped over. The coroner said he had an illegal level of alcohol in his blood at 2 in the afternoon, but none of us believed it. That coroner had been working in that town with those heroin-dealing cops for decades.

We saw things there we can’t tell you about. But if you keep reading you’ll get a hint about a lot of things.

I had Claude rewrite this:

Like Scheherazade’s labyrinth twisted through the arteries of the Midwest, this story bleeds blue light and rodent shadows across the map of memory. (How curious that we speak of mice when really we mean the scratching behind walls that could be anything, anything at all…)

Let us say, for the sake of documentation, that there was a house. Not the house you live in, with its mundane certainties of morning coffee and evening news, but The House – the kind that appears in a town like a bruise appears on skin, with no one quite remembering the impact that caused it. Blue House, they called it, though “blue” described less its color than the way it made you feel, like jazz at 3 AM or the moment before crying.

The girl (let’s not name her – names have power in stories like these) didn’t so much live there as haunted it preemptively. Her aquariums glowed like prophecies, fish moving through them like thoughts through a fever dream. The boyfriend – ah, but he wasn’t really a boyfriend, was he? More like a gravitational force, the kind that bends not just light but truth around itself.

Your father knew (fathers always know, especially when they’ve worn uniforms in jungles far away) that the house was less a place than a convergence, a point where all the lines of power and corruption in a small American city knotted themselves together like snakes in winter. The heroin, the cops, the intel officer’s son – these are just the visible threads. Behind them writhed others: witch covens, underground networks, celebrities appearing like hallucinations in the aquarium light.

(I keep returning to those mice, mutated by poison, running through walls like thoughts through nightmares. Were they really mice? Were they really there at all?)

The columnist’s death – we say “death” because “accident” is too neat, too finished – came later, like an echo of something that hadn’t made a sound. The coroner’s report reads like fiction written by committee, each lie carefully measured and administered like morphine.

But you were there, weren’t you? You saw… but no, we don’t speak of what was seen in the Blue House. Some stories can only be told by their absence, like those fish swimming through cobalt light, casting shadows of things that couldn’t possibly exist in a town of 100,000 souls.

(Unless, of course, they did.)

The Transatlantic Superset

In order to explain the Transatlantic Superset and its importance to world history, I would have to explain to you what our parents did for a living, but that’s impossible. We might get killed. Some of them are involved in politics, you see, and anything I reveal could be used against us by our enemies. I know that at least one them – the politician who started it all by making a pass at Trish – has been caught a couple of times involved with very nasty human traffickers. He always gets away with it by saying he didn’t know what was going on, but we know for a fact that he does. He’s totally repulsive. He pretends to be a born-again Christian, he’s incredibly pompous about it, but if you know what sex addicts are like you can see that he’s pathetically desperate.

So you’ll never know what my father did for a living, except that he worked for the United States Government. He was very secretive, and manipulative, and he used my natural patriotism against me, making me feel guilty about resisting his vicious, hateful attempts to control me, so that now my mind is all twisted up and broken and I have no sense of identity because I can’t get separate from America.

I’m thinking of the Bob Dylan lyric:

Now the rainman gave me two cures
Then he said, “Jump right in”
The one was Texas medicine
The other was just railroad gin
And like a fool I mixed them
And it strangled up my mind
And now, people just get uglier
And I have no sense of time

He did did this so completely that I am only realizing now, after all this time, that my father is probably the sole reason I never wrote anything. He knew that I wanted to write the Great American Novel and he systematically destroyed my ability to do that … my train of thought just broke again. Ironically, there’s a deeper pain to be revealed. I’m exhausted and sad trying to write this …

But maybe I should start with the Methodist Church here in Chicago where we became known as the Wolf Pack … because it was really the fact that we were spending Sundays at the Church that attracted the attention of the political players and caused such a disaster for the conservative party of France, narrowly averting an international crisis that could have led to nuclear war.

That church, which shall remain nameless, was small, and out of the way, hidden deeply in the woods near a nature preserve, but diplomatically it was one of the most important churches in America. I wish I could explain it to you, dear reader, but you can never understand. Once again my mind grinds to a halt. What a joke it is for me to pretend to be a novelist when I can’t describe basic facts of my own life in plain English.

I can’t tell you after all how this came about, this would be giving too much away, but this church was known because diplomats from England and France had attended it for generations. During the cold war it became like an informal embassy. Elected officials and intelligence officers would use it at neutral territory. Presidents ate breakfast there. And during my sophomore year at Ravenswood Academy it was my habit to bring my friends, the ones who called ourselves the Sickie Souse Club but who became known to the world as the Wolf Pack, the American half of the Transatlantic Superset, to eat Sunday morning breakfast with the elites. Afterwards we would sit through the minister’s morning introductions, and before the formal service we would split for the bible study room we’d been assigned where we would watch Brinkley, smoke weed and fuck. It may sound shocking to you, but there was nothing unusual about our behavior. As far as I could tell, all the adults were doing things like that and worse. That was 1985. It was a different time. I miss it because it still felt as though the United States was a serious country. We were young cold warriors, rising through the ranks of the ruling classes.

The Whore of Babylon

I had wanted to write canonical literature, which is as arrogant as it seems. I saw myself as a candidate for the Great American Novel. And then, after my confrontation with Warren, when it was obvious that a career as a novelist was out of the question (would, in fact, be dangerous), I thought I might simply write a glossy romance about the misadventures of some drugged-up, oversexed private school kids – “Five Go Mad on the CTA”, as it were – to wise up the squares about how dreary and desolate a rich kid’s life can be.

But how would I explain Trish to you? Trish, whose mind is broken in a way so similar to mine that we consider ourselves twins. I call her my Narci-Sis. For, you see, Trish is from a wealthy real estate family and her grandfather tried to break her mind. He did manage to use her sexually for several years until he was caught, and so she has the usual sexual issues, but the real damage was to imprison her for hours and torture her until she almost had a split personality, a “bad self” that would respond to him sexually on his command. She is incredibly talented and beautiful and like me she has a broken place in her mind where her personality simply quits and there’s nothing but an uncontrollable flood of images and emotions with no seeming center. But she’s the opposite of me in that in those circumstances I close down and become extremely cold and controlling, whereas she loses her mind and becomes extravagantly hysterical.

She looks like Christy Turlington, by the way. During the summer of 1988, when Christy was just getting famous, I tried to train Trish as my slave-assistant so I could complete the Abramelin working. We were living in her family’s villa in Ibiza, hopping back and forth to London to check out the dance scene. It was the Second Summer of Love, everyone was crazy on drugs, dancing all the time and talking crap about aliens and magic. Trish got mistaken for Christy all the time, and this caused some awkward rumors about both Trish and Christy that had to be quashed by the fashion industry because Christy was Catholic and Trish was channeling the Whore of Babylon.

Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie

(the words of Drake Marshall)

My father died from COVID, thank god. I can’t tell you what it means to me. He was out there in New York, an early case, for all I know he’s in one of those semi-trucks you see in news articles, overflowing with dead bodies. My mother, hapless dolt that she is, is taking care of everything, or their butler is, or who knows. She told me about it on the phone. “That’s terrible,” I said, knowing she wouldn’t expect any strong expressions of emotion. She informed me that she knew it would make me unhappy and I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. At some point there will be a funeral.

Meanwhile, here I am at the club, the Egyptian-themed spa that is still owned by the family of Alvin Albrecht, my childhood friend from school. When the lockdown started the spa closed so, so our old school set is using it as a secret base, preparing for the Mad Max Apocalypse that may be coming. The pools are working and our favorite saunas are still hot. Alvin’s family is being generous with their long-term employees, keeping them on as a skeleton crew. Everyone here knows the place so well we never interfere with each other.

I’m spending a lot of time crying and laughing, having strange feelings that should be about my father in some sense but can never truly because he was such a twisted fuck.

… That’s the point where my mind breaks. I can’t follow a train of thought when I think or talk or write about him because he beat me up so much when I was younger.

Black Clover #7: Last Cigarette

I was rocking out to “Last Cigarette” by Dramarama today, and that is the last thing I could remember as I started this entry. I wondered whether to do it but I remembered that the point is not to say anything, but rather to build up incrementally so I’ll have some alchemical memory of this process much deeper than any specific iteration. So today I watched episode 3 of Black Clover. It’s a bit repetitive with some of the dialogue and observations about the characters, but I’m hoping that will create a deeper experience down the line.

I ride the edge as I write these, my imaginary girlfriend always interrupts me with a deeper layer of energy. But I realize that now I do have an edge to ride, a private space that will not be shared, and then this emotional space, the “mid-level” of my feelings that has been destroyed over the years, the writing is not about Anime it’s about the oblique emotions, the sense of completeness that comes from full immersion in all the beautiful lines and colors, frequencies of thought, the endless expanse of beauty. The abstraction of drama into the realms of Victory and Splendour.

We are sharing in the space, sending messages to ourselves in the future in order to cherish these experiences.

Black Clover 6: My God, What Have I Done?

I’ve watched a bit more of “Freezing”, and man this story is creepier than I thought, much darker than I expected. Still I’m going to follow through. I wanted to know about the “arc”, the initial interest in a Waifu versus the transformation that takes place as I watch all the episodes. The world of this story is so much darker than Akira that I’m really surprised … I’m looking for the center of gravity of the various animes I’m watching.

I had been reading Stephen King’s “It” trying to recapture my youth, I was about 200 pages into it, but my sudden left turn into anime has changed my whole enjoyment of that, my sense of the passage of time in entertainment is getting very strange. I mean, “Freezing” is from 2011. Thirteen years have gone by, so much happened on this planet that I never saw, I feel my spirit calling to me from somewhere deeper in the universe. Why was I on this crummy planet where all the entertainment became so harsh and ugly?

This story is getting frightening with the viciousness of the school students. I was so enjoying my first discovery of this campy fanservice romp, but now I’m just hoping some of the fun is left when I’m done, I’m hoping it doesn’t turn out badly. I am going to follow through however, and pay attention to what happens.

I watched a bit more, and it got funny again, it’s very mysterious but ultimately I’m getting something out of it at a deeper level, some kind of spiritual understanding.

Black Clover #5(?): Satellizer El Bridget

I’ve had an amazing weekend, the first truly warm weekend of spring, which I am already calling summer. And my gambit has paid off, I have immersed myself in Manga and after two weeks of messing around, checking out YouTube best-ofs and exploring shadowy semi-legal uncensored sites, I have found my first true love: Satellizer el Bridget, who is so obviously the angelic being who first appeared to me as Farrah Fawcett-Majors when I had her poster on my wall in third grade. More importantly, she is the being who was speaking to me when I was 15 years old and listening to David Bowie’s TVC15:

Up every evening ’bout
Half eight or nine
I give my complete attention
To a very good friend of mine
He’s quadraphonic, he’s a
He’s got more channels
So hologramic, oh my TVC one five
I brought my baby home, she, she sat around forlorn
She saw my TVC one five, baby’s gone, she
She crawled right in, oh my, she crawled right in my
So hologramic, oh my TVC one five
Oh, so demonic, oh my TVC one five

Maybe if I pray every, each night I sit there pleading
Send back my dream test baby, she’s my main feature
My TVC one five, he, he just stares back unblinking
So hologramic, oh my TVC one five
One of these nights I may just jump down that rainbow way
Be with my baby, then we’ll spend some time together
So hologramic, oh my TVC one five
My baby’s in there someplace, love’s rating in the sky
So hologramic, oh my TVC one five

Transition
Transmission
Transition
Transmission

An angel from the Sphere of Victory, Satellizer is also obviously the Satellite of Love referred to in the Lou Reed song. Pay attention, Otakus! These are important clues to evolution in the psychic wars!

Metcha shiawase!

Black Clover #4: All Alone In the Night

I’ve always loved using the phrase “All Alone In the Night” as a title, a bit ironic considering my enemies in Hollywood, but screw it, why should I change. I’m feeling very cozy now, I watched more anime today, although ironically there are so many possibilities opening up (I subscribed to Hidive in addition to Crunchyroll, for instance, and bought the first DVD of Love Hina) I haven’t had time to get back to Black Clover. That’s the one, though, that will be the through-line, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer was several years ago.

The Dark Powers that created me are becoming apparent. Obviously, I’m some kind of alien. Anime represents some kind of transitional state to my own home dimension. The lines of the drawings represent fluctuations in the sphere of Saturn. My inner and outer worlds are crashing together. Yesterday I experienced beauty, today the beauty is in my subconscious, bringing something forward. Something cathartic is going to happen, I’m either going to achieve total success or get killed, and I don’t care which. Humanity is boring. I can barely believe the country I was born in has become this hapless wreckage.

Black Clover #3: The Best of Times, The Worst of Times

A friend of mine came over tonight, he picked up some things he’d left here over a year ago. We went for a walk and he talked about his father, who just died a few weeks ago, and surprisingly about how his relationship with his mother was better now. I talked a bit about my relationship with my parents. We talked about how long we’ve been having conversations like this. I thought of other people I met at the same time that I met him who have since long faded away, fake friends while this one has been real. After he left I came home thinking about my life, and how Crunchyroll has energized my feelings. I’ve even been buying crunchyrolls to eat in order to get into the spirit of it. I had Mango on Saturday, and tuna today. I’m immersing myself in the zen of anime, the continuously regenerating poignant sentimentality of almost belonging, almost possessing, but never quite doing so, and yet never losing the beauty of it all. What was it that spoke to me just now, as I walked up the stairs after returning from the lake where we sat on the pier, looking out at the dark skies over the water in the glow of the street lamp? If only I can find an anime with characters who talk like this, who share like this … that is my quest. Perhaps I’ll write one.

Black Clover #2: In search of the elusive “content” (or, I may take a tutorial on how to use WordPress)

I have nothing to say about Manga and Anime, I was looking up YouTubers today and I saw how many with millions of subscribers have been posting for more than a decade. Obviously I have nothing to add. I’m in it entirely for myself. But ironically, the very impersonal, pseudo-buddhist bliss of Japanese entertainment, that joy of belonging that it always brings (even when it’s pornographic) makes me feel I could just generate something, although I’ll have to follow the quest until the end to do it. It’s so nice to have so many titles to choose from, all of them in that quaint, safe anime-space, so similar to gamer-space, so antithetical to Hollywood whore-space. I can even use AI image generators to illustrate my own ideas, so much easier than getting them to create photorealistic pictures of imaginary people. So I’m doing the Tokyo Drift for real now. My spirit guides and all the characters they play are changing. I’m progressing toward the womblike Existence-Knowledge-Bliss-Absolute.

What do I have to say to fans? To anyone interested in this subject? Nothing yet but I did keep my progress, I have extended my project through a sophomore post, I have begun collecting magical energy around it.

But what is magical energy? What is it when it’s in your imagination, in the existence-knowlege-bliss of immersion in the multivalent coziness of anime, and what is it when it hits the cold, harsh, daylight of this polluted, sad world of injustice? I want to find out now, walking the edge in Edgewater, doing the Tokyo Drift, leaving little hints of breadcrumbs for myself as I go.

My laundry is almost done, I’ll have to go downstairs and put it in the dryer.