Came home early tonight, breaking my habit of mall-walking.  I posted a porn story on Fetlife, and the next day I found out [Name Removed} has a story on the Amazon bestseller lists.  That called up a lot of politics and bullshit, reminding me of that fake piece of garbage K., and also that girl [Name Removed] from California.  It’s useful that it makes the dark echo in the inner planes that gives me boundaries.  So some magic, and some explanation for all the negative relationships can come down at last.  It’s a specific inner echo, it’s also related to that time I messaged L. from O.T.O.

Why would it be important to be among these people?  I don’t know, but tonight I have begun to see “Elizabeth”, based on that girl I knew in 1st grade, and also “Charlie”.  They are related to the Avengers Coven — Michelle Pfeiffer and Samuel L. Jackson.  It’s very grounding and makes me feel like I could get out of here.

Woke up weighing 242 pounds, but not too worried.  Read Grand Morrison’s ‘Happy’.  It was OK, not earth-shattering, but it had some resonance for me.  Then I went to run.  I have a lot good going on, I’m getting a handle on life.  I’m going to try to get some specifics down in OneNote about the mental states that are bothering me.  Carrie Fisher is definitely very real and being very helpful.

I have to figure out where to keep track of my thoughts.  Here I am at three in the afternoon, wondering how to move forward.

I went to Edgewater and had a gyro.  I was having an interesting sense of closure there in the restaurant, and I came up with the concept “the dark spot of self”.  At Graham Crackers I found some old Dixon “Birds of Prey” in the 50 cent boxes.  At Dice Dojo they were setting up for AD&D night — all the tables were pushed together.  I bought another deck box.  Carrie is bringing me up against the need to articulate exactly what happened.  One important thing is that I was going to try to recreate whatever it is that holds me in those places here at home, with fiction.

I came home and I was a little tired so I took a nap.  It’s now 9:40. Amy Winehouse came back for a little to show me what’s changed since the last time I saw her.  I sense a lot of potential for tonight.

I just looked at that and then I went into the “grinding”, the blanking from the right side of my face.  Something has changed though, there is a greater sense that there could be people with me, or I could find some people to relate to.