I want a great big explosive reality like I’m living in “Apocalypse Now” or something . . . just lit like that, very lush colors and weird stuff going on all the time . . . mysterious and dark . . . except at the same time I’m hypnotizing myself to avoid all conflict and struggle . . . so mysterious and dark but not dangerous . . . not that I’m afraid of danger, but there’s really no excuse for it if you create your own reality — it’s just self-indulgence.  

Really I’d like to live in a big videogame.  No, but then what would Neale Donald Walsch think of me?  He’s out there trying to end world hunger and stuff.  

Actually the only reason I feel guilty about that (and I know God told Walsch that guilt is unnecessary) is that I really used to want to save the world.  That is after all why I worked so hard on the Church of Art.  but now i know there are Great Beings around me and my big concern is really figuring out how to perceive them more clearly so I can figure out what to do to get out of here and go home to the astral plane — which is just like a big video game.

On the other hand I am getting more self confidence lately, getting back to my wanna-be 60s roots . . . 

Just finished a meditation session and I feel wonderful, though still brooding over thoughts of the unpleasant relatives I came into this world with.  Light and freedom — with Sahaj Marg the light literally comes though it isn’t any kind of physical light, but a gentle whiteness that wraps my inner world in snow.  Cheerful snow on a bright sunny day.  Or maybe the snow is just me, and I’m cold.  Certainly I have to somehow find a way to stop letting humanity bring me down.  

I’m going to see Neale Donald Walsch on Sunday.  

Been using hypnosis to increase my dream recall and incidence of lucid dreams.  Just had another lucid dream this morning, where I was sliding down an underground river (cataract, really) toward a lake and I knew that it was a dream and I had to just relax and “become the water” in order not to drown.

 So I just had an idea for a sequel to the Matrix trilogy.  Everyone cool now knows that reality is breaking up, the spirit world is getting closer, everything is synchronous.  my movie is set in a high school where a guy who watches “the matrix” all the time suddenly starts having lucid dreams, realizing that the Matrix really is a metaphor for some real kind of paradigm shift — and starts haunting this really cute girl’s dreams.  he picks a few other people he’d want to be friends with and forms a dreamgang — but then the other dreamers recognize him in the waking world so he has to explain to them how he developed this ability, then they all develop it —

BUT THEN of course they realize there’s a biggger war of control going on and dark forces chase them around the dream world etc. 

the key is that it could be a true story!  lucid dreaming really is “hacking the matrix”, stories of the supernatural are totally more realistic than news accounts of daily life . . . etc.  so the whole point of the movie is that world culture has hit the crisis point where everyone knows “reality” is a lie —

and furthermore all the psychic combat and the nasty creatures and stuff can be depicted with total realism, no exaggeration, based on stuff that’s really going on right this minute!

Been sick for a couple of days, kind of a climax to two weeks of running around Chicago getting acclimated to a city I’m not embarrassed to live in — a big change from Grand Rapids.  There’s nothing good about Grand Rapids, you know.  I suppose some day I may fall back into that “but it’s nicer in the country” mindset, but the people aren’t nicer or more honest — in fact there’s a higher percentage of disastrous failures.  Bitterness and lying abound.  It’s worse than Hollywood because no one’s even glamorous or wealthy.

 Sigh, I just had to give a shout-out to the cosmos — I blew off most of the people who ever read my blogs back in Michigan, so I am now truly calling out to the thin air — but that’s okay because I can see the spirit world pretty clearly now.  Speaking of which, I have to go off to the fourth dimension now so whatever beings are reading this, thank you for your attention and I’ll be seeing you.

 I am the total cosmos!

So I’m moving to Chicago soon, to be a little fish in a big pond.  That’s quite all right — I’m sick of Grand Rapids, sick of prowling around the same four neighborhoods, sick of hanging around shopping malls just to get the feeling of being in a large crowd, sick of forgiving everyone and everything around me for being second rate just because it’s only Grand Rapids . . . so I’ll finally be where cool things are actually cool and I’ll have to compete with people who actually are at the top of their field, which is good for me.

 I’ll also have to clean up my act on the web; about ten times as many people will read my writing, and about one tenth as many will care what it says.  I have an opportunity to “remake” myself in a way — I’m not denying who I was but I get to choose who I want to be in this new setting.  I’m arguing with spirits about that these last couple of days . . . I guess I’m a writer.  Really I’m an intuitive, and I hope to pick up some extra cash doing readings for people, but as an intuitive I have to express myself artistically for some reason . . .

I’m reading Brett Easton Ellis now, “Rules of Attraction” a blast from my past (language is destructive) . . . in fact so much a blast from my past that last Saturday I got raving drunk and actually groped this girl I know.  I was reliving college, being a teenager in the late 80s when the reality was being sucked out of popular culture.  someday perhaps I will be able to express the nature of this time warp.  The late 80s was a very astral decade, what with MTV and all . . . everyone realizing that society was based more on visual impressions than any kind of logic or morality.

Listening to “Team Sleep”, awesome record.  Also picked up one by Popol Vuh down at Vertigo.  “Rules of Attraction” mentions The Thomposon Twins several times . . . interesting to know that this millionaire author was hearing the same music I was back then. 

 there’s no point to this post except a snapshot of my life and an exploration of the concept of “work”.  life is a lot of (sometimes apparently meaningless) steps that eventually lead somewhere . . . I have this fucking blog i should do something useful with it.  my next post will be useful.

I was wondering whether I should have posted that stuff about “the dark power”.  I was a little wary of actually channeling one of my spirit guides — by which I mean typing just what she told me to type.  However that Saturday I was at a show and this woman I know suddenly started telling me she needed someone to put he “Dark Power of Satan” into her.  What a coincidence!  So it was totally arranged as proof that I was on the money with a lot of that earlier post.

But of course there is no Satan, only the dark power of choice.

April 17 2020 – As it turned out later, most of the people I knew at that show were creeps and they may have read my blog and were setting me up for some bullshit.  That was that scummy burlesque show I hung around with.