I’m sizzling with psychic energy tonight, and doing something I haven’t done in more than ten years, improvising for the world. It’s the return of “A Meandering Trail in the Dust”, my old e-mail list. Inside and outside are merging again, this time in Chicago instead of Grand Rapids, Michigan (which can go to hell for all I care by the way). I get a sudden flash of the theme from Miami Vice.

It’s hard to concentrated because Kara is coming through very clear, ringing in my ears. Miami Vice is a flashback, and I also just subscribed to Vanity Fair so I can look at the archive. And I just found out Vogue’s whole archive is free. I’m traveling back in time tonight, with the Ghost of Whitney Houston. Last week’s guest of honor was Peter Steele and I’m continuing with the “probable suicide” theme, exploring the depths of emptiness that come with immersion in American “popular culture” which is really not much more than a sewer now.

It’s 10:02 AM now, the night went by pretty fast. For several hours I couldn’t get anything done after I wrote the first couple of paragraphs. I moved through images of Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, and some other unhappy, dead entertainers. I struggled with the image I finally got posted on Renderosity. I had to run the render several times. For such a simple image, it was very difficult to get right. I ran at the highest resolution and crashed the program a couple of times, wasted hours waiting for it to move forward. At the very end I settled for less but I still had to rerun it because flaws I had been missing for a week became apparent. However I’m satisfied with what I got.

The Moon is in Pisces and so this lackadaisical night that flew by seems to fit. I did a lot of work with Kara while this was going on. As evidence, witness this blog entry. At last I am blended with her plane as I write, spontaneously describing what’s going on without concern for the observation of the larger world. So this evening’s magical experiment has indeed succeeded. As a ritual, Becky’s Tea Party has advanced in clarity and power every week for two months now. I’m beginning to feel complete as a human being. I hope I don’t get killed, or anything. Yesterday a psychic told me I’d probably have my current job for 18 months, which was encouraging.

I’m not fighting the Pisces Moon, this is a day that dissolved into the cosmos. I’m looking forward to Aries tomorrow.

11/17/2020 12:20 AM So I can definitely say in the future that I had a mystical experience involving the ghost of Peter Steele and some kind of refinement of my understanding of the meaning of beauty, from the perspective of souls who have created beauty in the world.  And suddenly I realize that the fact that I am working on Photoshop tutorials tonight is drawing information from the collective unconscious.  Also, Peter will be a consultant on my novel, The Darkening of the Light.  People will remember Jennifer somewhat the way I and others remember Peter.  It hurts too much to think about that right now, but that’s definitely an increment of improvement, an adaptation, if you will.

11/17/2020 12:32 AM I’m working six days a week right now so I was feeling rushed to get to some dramatic sense of freedom, but Peter is telling me to relax about it.  The overwork is tiring but it’s also a significant amount of money, and it’s only another month.  Everyone is socially distancing anyway, so it’s not like there’s anything to do.  Something was coming from this event, this night, something for me to look back on and my focus now is on what to record, what detail to pick out of the shadow region between light and dark.

11/17/2020 12:55 AM I messed around with Poser a bit and then I read and reposted an article about Peter.  There was a recent article about Marilyn Manson next to it. 

11/17/2020 1:09 AM It’s a little while later, I have Poser open and I’m glad outoftouch is having a sale.  I’m thinking about evil entertainers and would-be entertainers I’ve met, and wondering what role they play in cosmic evolution.

11/17/2020 1:15 AM Peter was a self-described Type A personality who was apparently on Riker’s Island for a while … is it worth it to go to Riker’s Island to be an entertainer?  To leave beauty in the world? 

11/17/2020 1:25 AM So, guys, what was going on right before the recent libel verdict, when I suddenly discovered the blazing soundtrack to the first Pirates of the Caribbean Movie and listened to it seven or eight times in one night?  Was there some kind of cosmic or astral attunement to Johnny Depp?  I wound up on the Patreon account of his pal Damien Echols.

11/17/2020 1:29 AM I was listening to “Breed” thinking about all the psychic gossip about Courtney Love that surrounded that song.   Then “Girl’s Got Rhythm”, very subdued here in the dark with the running lights.  “Highway To Hell”, thinking of all the times I’ve rehearsed Adrial’s transformation in my mind.  This song is somewhat appropriate for Zoe as well.  “Shoot To Thrill”.  AC/DC sounds so gentle and familiar in the cozy darkness.

What did I ever get for this? 

11/17/2020 1:48 AM It’s gratifying to see how my thought progresses minute by minute.  I’m downloading orders from Renderosity.  I’ve been doing 3D illustration for about 3 years  now, thinking about how the beauty of the process has changed.  It’s not so alien now.  Images are not so beyond my control and so the makers of images are not particularly fascinating anymore.  They don’t seem very powerful.

11/17/2020 1:51 AM Immersed in the beauty of 3D, I can see the hole in my soul, the wrongness of my life that my family were totally unpleasant to me, so I made up another world of the potential of beauty and focused all of my emotional energy there.  The blackness that used to separate me from humanity is mostly gone, I don’t have too many problems expressing myself, only the question of whether this inner world is some kind of spiritual connection to a higher dimension.  It seems to be.

11/17/2020 2:08 AM But there’s a strange blankness to it.  I had to “understand” it, work my way around the blackness.  And what a struggle to work my way around it, that leaves only a trail of emptiness, the horrible people I knew and their pointless, disgusting lives. 

11/17/2020 2:42 AM Who am I and what am I?  It feels as though the separating darkness is some kind of mistake about what I am that is just about to be corrected. 

11/17/2020 4:18 AM I did a ton of work. It’s a nice feeling to so quickly realize a picture that was only an idea last week. This party has gone extremely smoothly.  I am incorporating the musical aspect which makes it such a deep trance.

11/16/2020 10:46 PM Peter is talking to me about beauty, and the perception of beauty.  I found his songs beautiful and I still have beautiful imaginal experiences listening to them.

William Buckley was often blamed for destroying Paris Hilton’s life.  Years ago, he wrote a column about irresponsible youth which was intended to be anonymous but a lot of people knew it was about her. This set her on the path of disgrace.  He wanted to tell her he was sorry.

In another version of the story, they were actually good friends in a kind of formal, patrician way that was peculiar to New England.

I know these daydreams about celebrities are like a cancer in my mind.  I died of mind cancer just like my character, Jennifer, dies of breast cancer.

11/16/2020 11:21 PM I’ve done a couple of Photshop tutorials, and I’m very content.  I’m thinking about what a horrible little beast of emptiness my brother is, and all those years my parents forced me to tolerate him, promising me some kind of family when I got older, but in the end they were wrong and every bit of attention I paid to him was wasted.  We all die anyway, as Peter Steele noted. 

What were my perceptions of beauty in this world?  Why were they important?  Spirits are here, I am sure, but why was important to fight for the ability to perceive spirits against these meaningless beasts, these human beings who are nothing but noise and filth in this world?

As I write, in the middle of this, the spirits interrupt me and take me to a better feeling place.  It was difficult to communicate because I don’t have any continuity in my inner dream. 

11/16/2020 11:43 PM Over and over again I come up against the horrible disappointment of my life, how nothing I experienced was worth the “hero’s journey” that all these new-age monkeys babble about.  And yet some spiritual force distracts me and reminds me how much better my life is now, how it has always gotten better for me.

And I feel tonight for the first time there might be a possibility of a genuinely spiritual purpose for my talent, and not this asinine co-creativity you hear about all the time.

11/17/2020 12:15 AM Somehow (at least partly due to taking up the Fourfold Breath, taught by Damien Echols) I am in a state that is a mixture, confronting the futile emptiness of life, and yet feeling the possibility of beauty as well.  I am inner and outer at the same time.  I can record this state, or attempt to, but without a need for purpose, knowing that the substance of my experience is some kind of raw material for a happier future. 

I’m not sure what’s happening, but the ghost of Peter Steele appeared earlier today, and suddenly I am over the hurdle. I’ve been experimenting in private with dream states and trances for a long time, but it’s been years since I’ve done a semi-public one like this. I wish there was a way to do timestamps on WordPress. I’ll have to experiment.

A few days ago I woke up seeing Paris Hilton, which always makes me happy. I have an angel who filters through her image. Then William F. Buckley appeared and the two were having an interesting relationship as fellow New Englanders. Last week I went to the Art Institute and passed by the Palmer House Hilton. I had just seen an exhibit including the Palmers as great Chicago art collectors of the early 20th century. So I was thinking about old money and influence, which both of tonight’s guests have or had. Peter Steele, on the other hand, did not.

I’m cherishing my dreamlike coziness, with a long night ahead of 3D and Photoshop tutorials. I’ll be posting throughout the evening, exploring the boundary between private and public spirituality.

So much for the biggest Tea Party yet. I wish I could make people understand how wildly successful this bit of magic is. These movies get better every year and my life gets better every year. Nothing can express the incredible sensual rush and crush of the flood of intuitive information I get while I’m watching these, how at home I feel in the world now that I’ve been doing this ritual for … how long now? Has it been a decade? I think it’s quite possible but I know it’s been at least seven or eight years. And now the Tea Party is a part of it as well.

I know next year will be even better. My main thing now is going to be to analyze my experiences. See, there was one tiny flaw in this year’s ritual. When I started “The Crow”, the playback was queued a few minutes into the credits, where I had left off last year. Even after all that time, it had been a very poignant experience for me, and I savored it. However, it was the first time I’d streamed it on Amazon Prime and it was a pleasant surprise to find it at the same place this year. Because of this, however, I think I breezed through the final sequence. I loved it, but I didn’t have the same depth of immersion in the credits music this time around and it bothers me that I missed something I might have otherwise gotten. I want to be looking out for that next year.

This influenced me when I watched “Circle of Iron”. I think it was a good influence. I took to stopping the playback at certain points, especially about 20 minutes before the end, right before the final fight with Changsha, to really savor the fact of watching a movie. I have been having great spiritual experiences for the last two days, so this year I was just loving these movies as entertainment.

A client called me last night and I did a very deep intuitive session for her, one I couldn’t have imagined doing ten years ago when I started this. So I don’t need the movies to get me into a depth state, but they are still having a wonderful transformative power. This Halloween is so fun I don’t want to let go. So I’m forming an intention this year to alchemize this ritual artistically, to build up a framework for it through 3D illustration and YouTube videos, or whatever else I can think of, to get as much fun as I can out of next year. Maybe I’ll be able to explain what’s going on psychically. I hope so.

Happy Halloween, America.

Just finished “The Crow”. So much has happened, I feel much more complete as a person than I did last year. I can’t wait until next year to watch it again. Before I started “Circle of Iron” I wanted to somehow get at the healing that seems to be taking place. This is only the second Tea Party during which I posted online that we were available to answer questions, and someone who didn’t know that contacted me for a reading which was very powerful and took me into a deep inner state. So that little bit of magic worked. The confusion is much less. I suppose it’s too much to ask to articulate the strange energies I experience, but at least I know they’re real.

I’m sitting here with Becket, meditating on the line between inside and outside. I didn’t get any overtime today, which is nice, even a couple of extra hours makes a big difference. Everything seems to be fitting together. The Moon was in Pisces and I felt very old and tired, but now we’re coming up on a Full Moon in Aries and my friends are here so everything is going to be okay. I’m seeing the ghosts of my horrible, pointless family but there’s a positive side to it, which is that I get free of them, karmically. I have a choice now, about what to think about. I could make another picture of Becket … her favorite song is “Into You Like a Train”.

What I wound up doing was a lot of work on the web while listening to “Gothic Erotica”, this compilation I bought in honor of my mates. It’s very real to me now. What are we writing “for the world” and what are we writing so we can look back on it in 13 years? Of course the scariest thing is how stupid everybody was and how awful the whole experience of being a person has been. As winter approaches I’m facing the dark grind of nothingness that life is. I have plenty of money and my spirit contact is great but what a ripoff the whole thing was! How utterly disappointing humanity is.

I realize that Becket is here to help me through Jenny’s death and Jenny’s death, as I write it, becomes my own acceptance that the world can never live up to my expectations.

I’ll never be able to express how comforting it is to have them here with me. The only thing I can share with the world is my disappointment in all the opportunities I missed. I’ve got the impulse to do some self-hypnosis now.

A pleasant surprise from the cosmos, just as I was ending my post feeling very bleak, my apartment building turned the heat on. Wonderful for an hour or so before the full moon in Aries.

The Adventure of Self-Love was a success, although it raised strange issues. For instance, if I love myself so much why do I need anybody to read about me on the web? But I made it back to the Art Institute and I had a great new perspective on art, and I am working on my own new art at a decent pace. Even now I have my next picture with dialogue almost ready to go. I’ve made more pictures in the last month than I made in the year before, I think.

The amazing thing, however, was that the ArtIC held over the El Greco exhibit I had been so looking forward to earlier this year. It opened a week or so before they closed, but it was still there today, and I had an amazing experience of the timelessness of Jesus looking at all his work. I am going to infuse the spirit of El Greco into my stories.

And I had been wondering for a long time whether to give my story an actual prophet for the heroes to meet, or merely a false parody for them to defeat. I think now that I will have to have an actual prophet, and try to consciously include the spirit of Jesus in my work. I think this El Greco exhibit was the necessary catalyst to give me hope of resolving my conflicts with Christianity. It’s certainly some kind of synchronicity that my Adventure of Self-Love would climax with an epiphany of Christ.

For years I’ve been able to do intuitive readings for people.  Many have suggested that I put up a website and try to make some money.  I always wondered what my web presence should be.  I didn’t want to get sucked into the competitive shallowness with Doreen Virtue and Sylvia Browne.  I wanted to do something real, but I just don’t want to “be” anything in the websphere.

However, I’ve been reading Shaman Durek’s Spirit Hacking and after years of being unable to grasp the concept, he has clued me in on “self-love”.  I’m finally able to practice it in the last 48 hours, because I read his book.  This is a similar breakthrough for me to the time eight years ago I read A Course in Miracles and was finally able to “get” self-forgiveness.  I still use it all the time.  Now, on day two of my adventure of self-love, I have decided to focus on nothing else for at least ten days, climaxing with my return trip to the Art Institute.  We’ll see at the end of this time if a continuous practice of self-love has accomplished anything in my life.

Last night at John’s circle I was trying to experience self-love while sharing with the group.  It was difficult. I could feel it present in me, but it’s as though the water-tap is stuck in the off position.  Once I get it going I expect it to flow freely, and to solve my problem of how to present myself on the web.

This morning I had an amazing dream.  I was playing a song on my iPhone but it wound up on a soundsystem in a cabinet right beside me.  I looked out through a door and saw Princess Leia.  As I walked toward her she appeard to be possessed by darkness and demonic.  As I finally got to her the forces of darkness were all around me, screaming, clawing at me, but I knew that the secret was to not react to them and they would “spin out” and destroy themselves.  Then there was a giant, scary spider behind me making horrifying chittering sounds, but I was still okay.

Then I woke up.  I lay in bed for a while and then I had a hynpogogic vision of the MCU’s Scarlet Witch looking down on me with op-art rings in her eyes, like an old horror movie.  That was cool because it was a sign from one of my angels that the whole dream was a symbolic communication of the archetypes of Saturn. 

So this is a very auspicious day for me and no matter what I’m thinking of in my usual Neptunian wanderings, I’m just switching everything to self-love.  I’m going to record a lot of it here and see what kind of story it adds up to after I visit the Art Institute again. 7/20/2020 8:37 AM