“Okay, so I’ve got the music playing.”

I don’t know if this is going to work right away.

It was the usual Sunday afternoon at Graham Crackers Comics.  There was that sense that if he could just follow the thread a little further it would fill him up somehow.  It hurt, there just under the surface of his imagination was something real, something he had never shared with anyone.  It was like a memory of a happier life he could have had, and there were lots of fantasies of his horrible grandmother.  Childhood brutality, paranoid conspiracies.  And then the magic.  Also gyro sandwiches from the restaurant around the corner by the Bryn Mawr station.  It was something he needed to grasp, and there was also an angel there.  On some days he had amazing experiences of other worlds.  He did that when he shopped a lot.  Perhaps it was Mercury and Splendor.

There had been that day at Quake toys when he felt really cool, like he was at an awesome rock show or something.  And then that signing by Alex Ross when he felt a shining light within, and there was Alex Ross.  Suddenly he flashed on Austin Osman Spare.

What I don’t know, said the Angel, is whether you can write and listen to music at the same time or not.

But it didn’t matter he knew, because the sharper vision was coming through.

And he knew they were watching him, causing ripples in his mind.  He knew they were preparing things for him, and there was something for him to do.  Soon the barriers would fall and he would be able to talk to the ones he wanted to talk to.  There was some kind of energy around him growing stronger every day.

Buffy was so cute.  He wondered what to do next.  “We are all together,” said Giles.  “We didn’t get it this time, but we’ll try again.  And that never happens anyway.”

“I don’t want this to happen again,” said Temilyn.  “I keep working on this and it keeps fucking me up.  I’m just not going to let it happen.”

“No, you’re quite right,” said Timmer.  “We could all just lighten up a bit.”

“It is magic, you know,” said Veronica.  “It’s a little silly.  It’s actually ridiculous, but we have to deal with it.  And let me tell you I don’t mind killing everyone.”

Adrial laughed.  “All right, let there be blood,” she said.  The men were climbing in the trees.  “We have to make this work.”

Zack stabbed him in the head.  “I love that song,” he said.  And we are going to get 500 words out of you tonight.  We are channeling you know.

“Well, I’m the Messiah he said.  Obviously, why would god grant me this.”

“God didn’t grant you this, I did.”

“Well, I guess we’re going to be doing something now.”

Meanwhile, the owner was crouched in his goofy cave, praying to his statue as everything died.  “No, we have to get it a little better than this. You see it takes something to fill this up.”

“We have to get to the killing.  It’s not that hard once you get started.”

There was magic and such beauty between them. It always makes me feel so safe, coming to the library … she was saying.  “Zack, you’re so fucking spectacular you kill people. We have to do something about this.”

“They’re talking about me in another room, and I can’t remember any god damn thing!”

“Zack, you have to work with me.” he could hear her thoughts in his mind.

“Well, here we are now, and we have to do something.” said Giles.

Beth was there too.  “Of course I’m imaginary.  But at least we’re doing something.”

“How did you want people to feel, anyway?” asked Giles.

“I don’t know, but I’m doing it again.  How do I make people feel like this, Timmer.”

“Do you want to make people feel like this?”

“Are we going around in circles again?  Something has to exist here.  We have to move forward with it.”

The angel came down with a golden light, and a sharpness, cutting away the physical plane.  “Now we are in a space, what do you see?”

“On the surface, it’s golden, but then it turns reddish.”

“Remember, Captain Scarlet is indestructible.  Do not try to imitate him.”

“But then where do we go?” asked Willow.  “It was the love we shared.”

“Something bad happened, Jason.  You have to try to remember.”

“You can’t take the last bit of someone and get away with it.”

“How do I get Buffyness into this?  It probably takes years of practice.”

“No, it doesn’t take years of practice, it takes some ass-kicking angels.  So here we are, and deal with it.  Welcome to the Hellmouth.”

The library was all dark wood and old.  The books were leather.  “Do we really need a library?  The information comes so fast.”

“Everything echoes across the world.”

“We need something that we’re doing.  Peter Murphy or Buffy the Vampire Slayer?”

Amy reminded them, “We need to work on death scenes, killing various people.”

“We are going to bring the magic.”  Well anyway let’s move forward.  We are assembling the mind of all.  It’s just like “Highlander”, and we’re going to get that word count.

“What’s beautiful?  What’s free?” asked Marc.  “I have no idea.  I just want to die fighting for the right thing.”

“Well, I’m just bloody exhausted,” said Giles.  “I have to get some sleep.”

She couldn’t control herself.  She ran after him and made a pass at him.  “Oh, dear.  No, darling, I can’t do that.”

“Anyway, let’s go crazy.”  It gets so that’s all they care about.  Okay, we’re almost ready and it’s fine.  Now what.  Arrangements.  I don’t care.  That’s how World War I started.  Nevermind, we brought the magic anyway and by the way your little experiment has worked.  So now what?

“That’s it boys, over the hill.” And the war started.

It was a column of ruby-red light that rose in the center of the circle, pulsating with a chiming sound that rose and fell with the light.  The girls began to get dizzy.

“I’m not sure I want this,” he said, looking upon his work and wondering what he had done.

“You have to go forward with it,” urged Barlel, “There’s nothing left.  We can’t go back.  The whole thing is lost and there is no hope left behind us.”

“Just open it!” said John, “Find me a god damn target.”

Sparks flew and tendrils of crimson lightning began to flail around the shadow of the vaulted ceiling as Jason began to concentrate harder.  “I can’t remember!” he said.  “I can’t remember what it was!”

“Keep trying !” said Barlel!  “There’s not much time!”

“You have all the time in the world,” came the voice, “But you have to know where to look.”

“God damn it!” shouted John, drawing his sword and looking around frantically, “Who the hell is that?”

“It’s Loviatar, Maiden of Pain,” said Jason calmly.  “She’s my spirit guide.”

“I knew there was a reason I liked you,” said Barlel.

“Where do I look?” asked Jason. “Where?”

“You are not qualified, you are forbidden.”

“You can not be serious.” he began to calculate how to defeat her, how to keep the slime of her pettiness from affecting his aura.  They were all the same, implacable, obedient morons of cocreation and responsibility to garbage.

He could feel the light of the spirit world around him, as though he were sitting in two rooms at the same time, the light was like a cool breeze, and he could feel the angel’s consciousness trying to reach him.

—

“Well, I’m here at last,” she said.  “You have to reassemble the fragments of your mind.”

“It’s so heavy,” he said, “I hate this.  Everything here is such an effort and it all degenerates into some self-help garbage about cocreation.  I don’t want to cocreate anything here.”

“Go back to feeling,” she said.

From out of nothing came the space.

Everyone was crowded into Dice Dojo.  They were all waiting to play when he ducked into the bathroom.  They had changed some of the posters in there.  They were familiar to him because he read them every time he was in there.  Someone had put up a poster for a new Garth Ennis comic.  He took care of business and then returned to the table.  The food had arrived while he was gone.

“Are we ready now?” he asked, sitting down.  “The enemy is upon us.  Who is red, who is blue?”

“This really ought to be fun, you know.” said Carl.  “You keep making this into the end of the world.”

He opened the box and began arranging pieces on the board.  “I’m looking for something, and I don’t know what it is.”

“You have to get your mind organized,” said John.  “You’re here in the present, and there’s going to be a future.  You have to pick a target.  Something other than Beth’s ass.” he smirked.  She slapped him.

“There’s a center to all of it.  I’m going to show you, Jason.”

“The Dark adventure has just begun,” agreed Barlel. “What are you experiencing?”

“Images keep passing in front of my eyes, things I want to do.” he said.  When you mentioned “The Dark Adventure”, I wanted to go back and watch “The Hindenburg.”  There was something else going on then.  I’m remembering that game we tried to play.  Also Axis and Allies.  What was that teacher’s name?  He told us about Pirates and Voodoo.”

“Mr. Miller,” said Amy.  “He’s here, too.  We’re all here now.  Including Hunter.”

“Where am I going with it?” he asked.  He could see Duane as well. People he didn’t recognize.  Angels.  It was another place.  There was power in it.

“You have to wield the power.” said Duane.

“Their world was never real,” said a voice.  He thought it was Beth.  He couldn’t decide who because he was drifting.  He was remembering that other story about gaming, the one Owen had showed him.  It was going to mean something at some point.

“I keep seeing movie stars,” he said.  “I just saw Natalie Portman.”

There came another voice.  Maybe it was Duane.  Somehow something got hurt.  There is indeed another story and the game is over.  “There is indeed another story and the game is over.”  What now?  What next?  Deeper into the heart of Darkness he thrust.

“Okay, so when we were watching Buffy, I felt like maybe it would be fun to be alive.”

“It’s important to have something going on out there,” said Beth.

They began to play the game and the crystalline formation took place, the reality merged so that the “thickness” appeared in his mind.  He could sense the other beings.  It was like the material plane was a thin veil and he could sense some kind of council or something observing him.  “I always argue with them,” he said.  “But it makes me want to have friends again.”

“Hey,” said Beth, “We’re your friends, Jason.  And we were always here.  You just couldn’t remember.”

“I try, Beth, but it makes me insane.  I’m so angry at being in this stupid, confusing world without direction, with only these obscene Nazis as my family and these asinine messengers of light.”

“Hey, there’s one now!” said John, pointing at the next table where a nebbish-looking freak was typing a stupid meme on his laptop.  “Let’s get him!”  and he jumped up and tackled the guy, beating him severely, knocking over a table.  Eventually he got up off the dude, who ran out of there as fast as he could.

“Isn’t anybody ever going to love me?” asked Jason.  “Isn’t this ever going to make sense?  Will I ever get this blackness out of my face?”

“The magic has been going on,” said Amy, “You’ve seen it work, and it has always gotten better.  There are more intense things happening this weekend.  You should just hold tight.  The visions will get clearer.”

“Yes, I think so,” said Jason, rolling the dice.  He moved his piece along the board.  “Jupiter retrograde is a time of looking back, and Buffy TVS should last about that long, I’ll have to check.”

The visions appeared in the air before him.  “What the hell?” yelled Zane.  “We gotta do something!  Hey!  Mr. Serious!” he went over and kicked Mr. Serious’s ass all up and down the computer lab.  “When is this going to break open?  She did something to close it off?”

“Worse things have happened in the world.  At least you’re not some dumb fucking cocaine cowboy.”

— We have to get down to the feeling — came the voice.  “God damn, I need you,” said Jason, grabbing Amy and kissing her furiously.  “I want to squeeze you so tight you break.”

“You broke me a long time ago,” she whispered breathlessly.

Then he realized they were in another dimension and he was trying to get to them.  But somehow his mind was scrambled —

“No, were here!” Beth interrupted.  “Don’t you go back there!  Don’t you leave me again!”

“But I have to sort it out,” said Jason, looking around the time loop.  “I have to figure out what this is.”

“We’ll sort it out,” said Carl and Beth at the same time.  “The energy will come down.” continued Beth.

“It’s already coming down,” said Carl.  “And don’t fuck around with this, you already learned how to channel.  You were channeling last week and now you know you can do it.  Now you know you’re receiving information from the heavens, now you can feel angels.  God damn, I want to come down there and kick your ass some times, you move so fucking slow.”

“It hurts!” said Jason.

“I know it hurts but it goes on forever.”

“Someone’s here,” said Beth.

–You need to see this, said a voice.  — You need to see the difference between inner and outer.  ‘Nuff said.

There was a space, a shape, and it was totally inside.  It tended to glow, it was like a rumour of glowing, something he’d heard of, but it was really inside his head.  Sometimes it would get all collected in the noise and it was the certainty of another world.  He thought of that buffoon, Ken, who owned the magic shop around the corner.  Just another insane loudmouth asshole who would never get it.  All these crazy-ass losers practicing magic and then the country elects this jackass president.

“And I still work for this totally amoral corporation, this shitty wreck of a conglomerate.”

“There were souls there that were trying to help you,” said Beth, “Even when you were talking to Dave and Mykh.”

“So what the fuck do I do?  And why do I do it?  And when do I get laid?”

“You get laid now, motherfucker!” Amy grabbed him by the hand and pulled him back into the bathroom.  No one was looking as she ducked inside and pulled him in with her — or if they did they didn’t say anything.  She dropped her pants and bent over the sink and he slid it in from behind her.  She liked to talk in bathroom mirrors.  He’d had his dick in her so many times, it made him feel secure.  He could still feel the damage, though, the damage they had done to him.

“It still hurts you, doesn’t it?” she asked.  “Well, it was real, but what they did to themselves was worse.  I wish I could help you!” she started to cry a little and moan as she came.  They were used to doing it in semi-public spaces so she was quiet, but their feelings were all fucked up and knotted and twisted together from years of craziness.

They stepped back out into the game room and rejoined the table.  “The problem is I can’t fucking remember.  I hit these dead zones and it’s like none of it exists.  And there’s never anyone to help me, and what the fuck am I supposed to be doing here?” he asked again.

Moon in Gemini, very shallow.

Yesterday I sat in the car for a long time,  having an experience of inner councils.  It was very cold and I had a lot of drinks to get inside.

I took a nap and then went to run.  I was very happy that I watched Buffy.  I went down to Edgewater.  I was pretty rushed, but I sat in Dice Dojo for a long while feeling the presence of spirits, especially Sandra.  I went home and had a salad at Osco.  It was pretty exciting.  I had a conversation with the guy at Gamestop.  I remembered to call on Sandra to be with me.  I went home and cleaned all night, even though I had a terrible toothache or jaw pain from grinding my teeth.  I assembled models and stuff.  It was pretty cool.  I made headway.

This morning I went to mediate and it was pretty good.  I kind of vowed to start cleaning 6 minutes a day (actually five, but the typo of 6 makes me just go ahead and vow 6).  I forgot my Perrier at Tracie’s so I went back for it.  On the way home I had more dystopian images of Ann Davies.  I stood in the kitchen eating yogurt and being paranoid that Dave Schultz doesn’t like me, or is going to bring the hammer down on me, but I think I can adapt to these things.  I’m happy I have all day to clean.  It’s very magic.

“Don’t come in here, Dooley,”

“I’m not coming in there, man.  There is no way I would get shot for that asshole.  But I want you to think about that for a minute.”  His voice was measured, calming as he spoke slowly from around the corner.  “I want you to think about the fact that you thought I might risk getting shot for that little loser in there.  That is totally ridiculous and it should be evidence to you that you are not thinking clearly.”

“You’re right,” Lorka agreed, hesitating and lowering his guard a bit.  But he brought it right back up when Vornot’s voice came from the other side of the door, taking advantage of what he thought was his chance to come out of the situation sounding tough.

“Yeah, this is stupid.  You know you fucked up, asshole.  That’s why I ran in here, to keep you from making a mistake you’ll regret –” he stopped talking instantly and dropped to the floor when Lorka, enraged by his audacity, coldly put a bullet through the door, narrowly missing him.  The next bullet shattered the door handle, and Lorka kicked open the door to find Vornot huddled whimpering on the floor.

“Aw, hell!” cried Lanada from the hall, avoiding the line of fire.  He tried to slow Lorka down by reminding him of something non-violent and familiar.  “You know my whole comic book collection is in there.  Do you reallly want to get blood on it?  You used to borrow those when we were kids.  Remember, man.  Please!”

Lorka looked hatefully down at the pathetically sniveling hood lying on the floor, and then at the bullet hole in the opposite wall.  It was too much.  It was too insane.  He had been out of jail for two days and already he was on his way back.  He slowly lowered the gun a nd walked back down the hallway.  He tried to hand the gun to Lanada but the other man backed away, shaking his head and holding up his hands defensively.

“No way, Lorka, I don’t want to have anything to do with this.”

“You are about an asshole, you know that?” he turned to Temilyn.

“Get in that god damn bar!” growled Zane, shoving Temilyn rudely through the door.

—

She appeared in the doorway.  Her hair was died blood crimson.  She came toward him and put her arms around him.

—

“I don’t care!” he shouted over the storm.  “I don’t god damn care!  Get out of my way!”

Zack hit him as hard as he could but it barely slowed Zane down — instead he hit back harder, full of the fury of the dead.  The rain poured down upon them as they staggered back and forth across the tilted surface of broken wood, slipping and turning in the raging fury of the storm.   They rained blows on each other as they had never done before, their furious shouting lost in the howling wind.  Zack had to wonder as he fought with all his might whether it would be worth it to kill Zane just to keep him from his idiot quest, when all he was fighting for was to keep Zane from killing himself.  At last, soaked to the bone with rain and blood — his own and Zane’s — he sank to his knees exhausted, , unable to keep up the onslaught, holding up his hands in surrender.  “You win you idiot!” he screamed, barely able to see Zane through the gray haze of the downpouring rain.  “Go ahead!  Leave Marina!  Leave everyone!  Go get yourself killed!”

But Zane was already turning away, turning toward the oncoming wave of living water that raged toward them, about to get lost in the tempestuous oblivion — until Cassie appeared, pointing a gun straight at him.

He was exhausted and barely conscious.  They half-walked, half-carried him down to the park where Marina had pitched the hospital.

—

“The message was, ‘Tell Marina to forgive herself, and rule.'”

She had to turn her face away, blinded by tears.

—

“You want to belong, you know you do.”

“You have no idea how much you piss me off when you say things like that, you normo piece of crap.”

—

He pushed the henchman’s leg back up and leaned forward, showing him the knife.  “I could cut this hamstring like cutting up a steak sandwich.  If you didn’t get to a doctor in time, you would never walk again.  Do you understand?”  He held the blade near the minion’s face and the thug nodded warily, knowing he was risking all in that moment.  “So you had better tell me what I want to know, because I have nothing to lose and you are in my way right now.  Who sent you?  Was it Kire?”

Wounded and covered in blood as he was, the thug still gave a weary laugh.  “Why go to all the trouble, asshole?  We killed your father, we’re going to kill you one way or the other -” he interrupted himself with a brutal cry as the flesh of his leg was cut two inches deep and he began to bleed.  He thrashed violently but Zack had all the leverage and held him down so he could only hurt himself more.

“Good luck walking, scumbag.  Tell me now you little son of a bitch or it’s going to hurt worse!  It’s going to go on for a long time and it’s never going to get better!  I want answers!”  He pushed the blade against the man’s chest, cutting the fabric of his black uniform.

Pinned against the wall, he could do nothing but glare at Zashic and spit the words through his teeth.  “Of course it was Kire!  Who else would it be?  It was Kire and the entire rest of the government.  You aren’t getting it.  It’s over, don’t you understand?  We own it!  There is no way to fight.  There is nowhere you can hide.  The satellites can track you wherever you go within 300 miles.  You are totally fucked!” he shouted.  “You let me go now or I’m going to make sure you go through hell a hundred times worse than this.  I swear!”

Zack had had enough so he simply slashed the throat and the soldier slumped to the ground, bleeding his life into the carpet where Zack had played hide-and-seek as a child.  But there was no time to think about that now.  He stood up and turned to go — only to look up and Adrial standing at the top of the stairs, looking down at him coldly.  She had seen the whole thing.  His heart sank, but he had to move fast.

“So now you know what I am,” he said, “and why I have nightmares.  I wish I had time to talk to you about this but we have to get you out of here now.  Your best bet is to go home and say I forced you to stay here while I fought.   You don’t have to hide anything else.  A lot of people know we’ve been broken up for a while. Just tell them the truth, that you had no idea what was going on –”

She interrupted him.”I’m not leaving you, Zack.” she said urgently.  Her eyes were glistening, ferocious.  “Let’s get in the spinner and get out of here.”

Zack took a deep, exasperated breath.  Even now, she was still busting his balls.  “My brother and Kire are conspiring against my whole family, Adrial.  They’re going to make me out like a traitor.  I can’t protect you — ”

“I said no!” she screamed.  She ran down the stairs at him and began striking him with her fists.  “We don’t have time for this.  You are not going to leave the only person in the world who is on your side.  I won’t let you.  Tell them you kidnapped me if you want, but you are not leaving me here!” she sank her fingers into the flesh of his arms and stared into his eyes.  “Now, Zack!  Let’s get in the god damn spinner and go! Don’t argue!”

He calculated the odds with speed he’d learned on the battlefield. He knew it was better to move than stay and struggle with her. Also,if they got caught she could still claim that he had kidnapped her.  “Okay, move.  Quickly. Stay low and stay away from the windows.”  They began to run down the hall but it was no use.  The enemy spinner spotted them and glowing hot rain of blaster fire poured in on them.  They made it to

Everything became reversed.  A green-purple glow hung in the air over the city, shimmering in the sky like the sail of a ship.  The broken remains of the Biodome flashed and bent the light in total chaos.  People sat mesmerized on the roofs of buildings, gazing up at it, afraid to look down at the chaos in the streets below.  The automated flight-paths of the skimmers were distorted and deranged.  Drones and cars on autopilot crashed into buildings, sending flaming wreckage into the crowds below.  Lights were out all over the city.  There was looting and screaming as a howling wind blew cold across the bay and swept them all into a kind of timeless fury.  People were shaking violently and falling down in the street, plunging deep into trance states they would never remember for the rest of their lives.  Others were pushed out of their bodies, their astral doubles flung into the air to look down at themselves far below.  Many of the most devout Coconstructives simply went insane.  Convinced that the Hero was about to return, they took to the streets with weapons and fury.  The war had begun.  The military sent drones to the outer city to gas the civilians, but they were overtaxed programmed for surveillance, not warfare – so easy to shoot down that it became a game to bait them, waiting to the last minute to blow them out of the sky with small arms.

It was the soldiers who presented the real problem.  And Novosh’s elite Black Guard were the worst of the lot.  Many of the rank and file abandoned their posts, not wanting to shoot their own friends and family, but Novosh’s minions, when they were not utter cowards, went to the utter extreme and plunged through the screaming crowds with abandon, spreading carnage wherever they went as Novosh sat in his lair, watching the spectacle on a bank of 128 monitors and brooding over his next step.

And through it all, all of those who remained conscious were fascinated by the eerie presence they could all feel but not explain.  A  power that seemed to come from within and without at the same time, a kind of invisible glow, or curved air that centered in their minds but which removed all sense of boundaries against the outer world.

Cassie found herself wandering, her clothes ragged and torn, through the city streets just outside the Citadel.  She was weeping, convinced that all was lost when suddenly she saw or somehow sensed with her mind’s eye a presence standing before her.

“Cassie!,” came the familiar voice.  “You should have told me, Cassie.”

Something moved ahead of her and she raised her sunken eyes to see 3Pac standing before her, just as he had appeared the last time she’d seen him alive, except that he had changed his clothes.  He was now wearing a cloak of blue velvet.

Cassie glared and lunged at him, trying to kill him, “You son of a bitch, we all thought you were dead!  I was worried to death about you.”  She struck him on the chest several times, which he allowed because he was so much bigger than her.

“I thought … I thought I could do it differently.” he said.