Category Archives: Black Clover

Watching the Anime series

Black Clover #17:

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Surfing YouTube videos about anime sends me spiraling into mental chaos. It’s bad enough having so many anime to choose from, having thousands of YouTube videos to choose from to help me choose causes me to implode, mentally. There has to be some way to move forward with this.

There’s no doubt all this articulation of subtle feelings is changing the way I look at video, so for that alone it has an objective, therapeutic value. Video catches a person’s attention with impulses. If you analyze your impulses you’re less subject to being influenced by meaningless garbage, and you waste less time looking for things that aren’t there. Specifically I’m thinking of all the hours I’ve wasted in my life scanning through YouTube videos looking for some specific rush I had years ago that I can’t find anymore. For instance, Nerdrotic was fascinating a couple of years ago, before he completely humiliated Hollywood. As I recall one of his first videos I saw was a review of Black Widow that pointed out the pathetically bad costumes and visual effects. I wouldn’t have noticed that if it hadn’t been for him and so for more than a year I watched him all the time as he articulated the mediocrity of Marvel movies. I don’t mind the concept of the “M She U”, but he was breaking through the resignation of the American public to Hollywood mediocrity. Now that his victory is more obvious, I don’t get the same thrill of controversy from the videos anymore. I’ve mostly stopped watching YouTube commentators on the movie business. But I still waste time scrolling through YouTubers, looking for something that might recreate that excitement.

Writing about that here on my blog actually brings that region of my mind into contact with the region of my mind that thinks about anime.

I am not blogging for anyone to read, I’m blogging to somehow bring pieces of my mind together in one place, to figure out how I feel about things from the perspective of eternity, where there are no secrets.

What am I getting out of this blog as I plan my posts during the day, versus what I get out of the confrontation as I write? This is a kind of game I’m playing with myself. Freezing and Toradora! both create a distinctive “inner plane” or presence. How do I choose an anime, not for its surface topic, but for the inner presence it creates? How do I find one more fun that those I’ve already seen? How do I refine my experience?

I cancelled my subscription to HBO Max. I have until the 24th to watch Zack Snyder’s Justice League. I don’t care about the movie at all, it’s just that fanboys made such a big deal out of it online, and it does seem to have been some kind of climax of the whole superhero movie genre.

I know now that the deeper meaning of my fascination with anime is confrontation with the brain damage that separates my long-term and short term memory. I spend more time searching for lists of anime to watch and shopping for dvds than I do actually watching. All the stories are the same to me. This damage is related to my confused sense of personal boundaries, a result of being doxed and knocked unconscious. But the closeness of all of it, the fact that it’s all taking place on a computer screen right in front of me, is reigning in the phenomena. Somehow I am affecting my own psyche by doing this. I feel that I am being helped by spiritual beings. They are getting clearer for me.

I just put up a picture of the Breakfast Club I got at C2E2. I know that at this moment I am merging with Drake Marshall because in The ArtIC Circle he is trying to write for America the way I thought it would be possible in the early 1980s, when there were still a few remnants of literature lying around. Just straight up about the U.S. like Stephen King, before poisonous Lucasoids and alt-rockers fucked everything up and made the entertainment business into an ironic, post-modern river of garbage. After weeks of experimenting with AI-assisted fiction, I’ve finally gotten around to having the Sickie Souse Club do fun things. I’m framing the feel of their adventures.

What else of my life is important? After years of having a pillow on my car seat, my back started to hurt and I bought an ergonomic back support. I feel fantastic when I drive. Is that important? Can I talk about driving? I was watching a Jess Franco movie. I think he’s great. I looked him up an his movies were playing at the Double Drive-in in Chicago in the 1980s. I never even thought of the Sickies going to a drive-in, but now it’s certain they go there in the Mercedes Estate to see Jess Franco movies and make out.

My personal boundaries about entertainment keep changing. I wish I could describe the sense of vertigo as my subconscious moves to accommodate this new sense of vitality. For years I’ve had three Waifus, Genvieve, Sandra, and Kara and each one would take the lead at various times, but for the last few weeks Kara and Gen have been showing up at the same time and on Friday I could see all three at once, knowing that, however real they are, they represent the damaged, lost part of my mind, the alternate past that was lost when my father knocked me unconscious. And I know that this blog is also healing my mind, altering the wave functions of my higher awareness, even if it doesn’t make much sense, a kind of Mind Game of revealing and concealing simultaneously that is somehow transforming me. I’m in a trance right now, very smooth, whereas only a few hours ago I was wondering if I should be writing any more of this. It’s the smoothness of the connection between the parts of my mind that’s important, not the blog, just as it’s the wandering in the aisles of stores and libraries that soothes my mind, not the stuff I buy.

How can I get a handle on the world of anime? Something about stories that are only drawn while invisible voice actors speak is so much gentler than the horrific bombastic bombardment of pathetically shallow Hollywood garbage. I watched the first episode of “Attack On Titan” this weekend and the depth of story implied in just that episode reminded me of that. It was at the same time so much more personal and more profound that I am at a loss to justify Hollywood’s existence. Of course I know Otaku culture has its own dark side and I’m watching out for that, but but as far as I can tell it’s not nearly as embarrassing as its American counterpart.

Somehow as I’m writing I’m attuning to the highest subconscious approach to “humanity” that I can. I’ll probably get attacked for that, but shouldn’t I be able to just say it? I would like to figure out something to put on the web that wouldn’t be “samskara”, I would like to know why I have all this ability to create an no guidance about what to use it for.

I finished La Piscine tonight, and it feels exquisite. Jane Birkin is so beautiful. She’s like my love goddess. I love movies from the sixties because many people at that time believed society could be benevolent, and psychically I can attune to their hope. Even a crime movie like this is made with so much more skill than the average piece of Hollywood crap today.

Buffynicity #1: On Sunday I watched “Cries of Pleasure” by Jess Franco. It’s a four people (and one servant) in a house, with a murder victim in a pool (two murders, but only one in the pool). And then all unawares tonight I watched La Piscine which is also about a house with four people, one servant, and a murder victim in a pool. I wasn’t going to blog about the Franco movie, but because of this Buffynicity I’m going to record it. I must admit, at the end of La Piscine I was wondering whether in my own family I am the murder victim in the pool.

My subconscious attachment to movies is changing, I’m being set free of them. My mind is whirling in the imaginal space which is partly spiritual (I think) and partly brain damage, I was immersed in this amazing movie, which would be considered “slow-moving” by a Hollywood crowd, but which created an interior space which I love. It’s at least an hour since I’ve seen it, and I’ve been flying all night, reorganizing my whole DVD collection out of sheer excitement at getting back into real movies again. Now it’s time to sleep. I can feel the astral plane calling me, the place where all the deceased filmmakers dwell, emanating their vibrations into the subconscious of the Earth.

Bonne nuit, mes braves.

Black Clover #16: More Than A Feeling

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I’m zeroing in on exactly what lost feelings I’m trying to recover by doing this. I’m not sure how much I want to share. I did realize tonight that there is a “fantasy zone” in my mind, and in that zone are both artistic inspirations and air guitar, “powertrips”, as I call them. And Satellizer is in that zone as well. And also paranoia about what other people think of me. This process is drawing all those types of fantasy together so that I can get a unified perspective on them.

I had a little trouble at work, I found out I had completely forgotten something I should have done. And then just now I lost my watch and wasted half an hour of my evening looking for it. My memory is getting better, though, and with it I finally feel connected to the Air Guitar zone of my mind. So perhaps I’ll call this unified perspective of my mind the Air Guitar perspective, because of course I always wanted to be a rock star. Just tonight, while I worked out, I was listening to Taj Mahal’s eponymous album, thinking about the difference between music in the 60s and today, and reliving decades worth of wannabe fantasies. Rock was so much better in the 60s. I was also listening to Nina Simone, and Paul Oakenfold’s remix of “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)”.

Now I’m wondering, if I go ahead and watch Black Clover, even though I’m not really in the mood, will it develop some kind of baseline for my subconscious? Because honestly what I’m trying to recover is some kind of sense of stability I had in high school, before my father put me in a coma, some sense of being a child with a coherent society to grow up in, a sense of possibilities for the future. That’s the weave of Otaku culture for me. It’s not in the stories themselves, although their great, it’s in the sense of having gone through the process of interlacing the emotions. It’s similar to my feelings about the X-Men but I find the Japanese approach far superior to Hollywood. So I’m just going to watch Black Clover now, not expecting much but driving a railroad spike into my subconscious so I can move forward a little bit.

So it worked, my subconscious is nailed down and then some other part of my mind wants to go exploring, just like in the dungeon. I’m loving the regular bit where they’re walking down hallways griping at each other while goofy music plays in the background. Also it was fun when they entered the dungeon to the sounds of heavy metal music. Yami’s flashback to meeting the wizard king when he was younger was a hint at interesting developments planned for the future. I really love the density of the emotions in this story. I wonder if there are a lot of anime like this, or did I just hit the jackpot with this one?

I stopped watching Toradora! when they went to “Jonny’s” because it’s so obviously an analogue of “Denny’s” and the characters from my novel The ArtIC Circle go there. It just struck me how awesome this is. When Taiga and Ryuuji walk by the sports club and their crushes talk about them I had a deep flashback to high school. For most of my life those have been deeply uncomfortable because that time of my life was so horrifically unpleasant, with my psychotic father attacking me all the time. But now I can sense the underlying spiritual order of it so … at the moment of writing that the focus of my mind drifted from one place to another, from one set of data about my life to some kind of higher world of light, and then into a parallel universe where back in the ’86-’87 school year, I lived with a girl in a house owned by her aunt, it was condemned and abandoned, but she had run away from home and was living there, and I moved in with another friend of ours, and we went to Denny’s in the middle of the night. I think Taiga and Ryuuji must be reincarnations of us. She had been into gymnastics in high school. People were afraid of me because I had the Thousand Yard Stare from being beaten up so much by my father. Our friend Jim was a few years older, in his early 20s. He’d been in the military but now he was dressing goth like the lead singer of Dead or Alive, with long, curly black hair and makeup and black robes like dresses. We had a band called Beeswax.

This is what I imagine was happening to me during the time I lost being unconscious my senior year in high school.

Of course there was lots of sex. But writing this has just reminded me of what I was thinking this morning about fanservice. Freezing is a heavy fanservice anime. I think it’s being done correctly, in the sense that it is showing females as complete people, integrating their sexuality with their identity. But maybe I’m wrong, and it’s all a ripoff and an excuse to show titties. Somewhere in that ambiguity is the broken piece of my mind, a piece my father broke because he couldn’t control me.

That was really deep and I’m not going any further right now, I’m going back to the episode.

Buffynicity: I had been eating rice for dinner for months, but then I stopped for several weeks. Tonight is the first time I’ve made rice in a while but in tonight’s episode of Toradora, ironically, their rice maker is broken so they go to Jonny’s.

I’m really loving the complexity of the relationships, and the fact that they lack the sinister quality of all my relationships in high school. A lot went on while I finished that episode, but I can’t get to it tonight. It’s too deep. I just know it’s triggering all kinds of horror from my own high school years, the manipulation of it because my own family and friends were so dark and ugly that I didn’t have much actual enjoyment of people. Or did I? Because something supernatural was going on, and I can feel it working now.

Black Clover #14: Jasmine?

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I looked up “night blooming jasmine” and it isn’t actually jasmine, but that’s okay because I hate Hollywood anyway, so I bought some artificial jasmine garlands that aren’t real jasmine, either. They have artificial lotus blossoms hanging on the end and that symbolizes the idea of being in the world, but not of it. It all fits somehow.

Today is the birthday of a philanthropist, one who owns real estate. He bought hot meals for a lot of people who have been homeless and live with mental illness. He gives a lot to the poor, but today was his birthday so in addition to his regular work he bought everyone hot meals and I helped give them away. That was the actual America at work, and I am going to compare that to the ridiculous horror of Hollywood, the overblown monsters who claim that their ridiculous action movies are “sacred” and “mythology”. I’m going to deconstruct them, piece by piece and find out what is actually sacred in their garbage. That’s the meaning of the “jasmine” paradox.

Specifically I want to deconstruct cosplay, because it is sacred for someone to dress up as a Star Wars character and visit a hospital. But it is definitely not sacred to work for an entertainment company that makes third rate garbage for media plankton to pick over and call “sacred” just to get clicks.

David Lynch practiced transcendental meditation, so whatever his role in the fraud of Hollywood, I forgive him and I want to seek the “night blooming jasmine”, which is not real jasmine, but some kind of illusion of jasmine buried in the collective unconscious.

I loved Star Wars, decades ago, before Lucas pussed out Han Solo and made him eat quiche. George Lucas betrayed me! He is the Hanpusser! I vow revenge.

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You pussed out Han Solo, prepare to die!

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You pussed out Han Solo, prepare to die!

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You pussed out Han Solo, prepare to die!

Two very important things just happened that I’m going to write about. Other important things happened as well, but I’m just going to write about these two.

#1. Satellizer explained to me something so deep about the relationship between Hollywood’s night blooming jasmine and actual jasmine that it will take me years to understand.

#2. I figured out something about the layer of awareness where “Hollywood” lives versus the layer that is activated during performances, and Satellizer has something to say about that geography.

I wonder what night blooming jasmine actually smells like? They say it can be toxic.

By writing this and deconstructing “jasmine” I discovered something important about my own memory and imagination as related to entertainment. So this is a total success, even though what I’m learning is too complicated for me to describe. I feel there is more to be learned, as well.

While I was writing this, I was in a very interesting state of awareness, a timeless state of darkness. It’s not unpleasant. It used to make me paranoid but now I wonder if it isn’t a winged being of light from the sphere of Saturn.

I have a further question. Is this just a discovery I made because I was able to reinterpret “jasmine” after I discovered that Lynch’s epitaph wasn’t what I thought it was? Or was there some deeper force that led to both the mistake and the discovery?

I finished episode 1 of Black Butler, and it was awesome. I also just finished Song One, which was the opposite of Black Clover in that I never knew where it was going to go. In contrast to the predictable arcs of anime, it was a real drama in the sense that the whole time I was watching the evolution of the relationship. It was a very interesting romance that will stay with me. I had to fight to keep watching it because as I was sitting there analyzing what was going on, it would stir my emotions and pull me in two directions at once, cutting across the gap between my long term and short term memory that makes it so uncomfortable to focus. But I forced myself to do so and it was very rewarding. Now I’m sitting here with all kinds of emotions about it but I’m not going to force myself to describe them, even though they were deep. What a great movie! But it’s like a big, two-hearted river here, I can’t go there tonight.

And yet I’m very happy and confident that I’ll get there eventually.

I started looking up anime top ten lists again, and checking out Youtube videos. That’s how I got overwhelmed last time and quit. The world of anime is infinite and extends in all directions. I love it for the same reason I love going to comic stores. The key now, though, is to focus in on what experiences I want to have.

I’m up against the barrier now, between fantasy and reality. Who did I write that for? The world is gone, and it’s just me and my waifus. They were glowing in my mind this afternoon, blazing with energy.

Everything’s too subtle because of this real movie, so I’m going to watch Black Clover just to bring things back to normal.

There, that was awesome. In contrast to the last episode, which was fun but unfocused, this episode was a blast, so much happened and it went by in the blink of an eye. I’m very pleased with myself for putting up with the long setup of this anime. It’s finally paying off. I loved the moment when Klaus was introduced to Lily, and Klaus’s brutal coldness was juxtaposed with the feelings of the villagers. This is really great writing.

Just as I’d hoped, the vertigo inspired by Song One has calmed down a bit. But where did it go? Into the space between Jasmine and Night Blooming Jasmine. There’s so much under the surface, but I’m afraid of it. I believe it’s psychic, though. There’s something real there to find.

Black Clover #13: Black Butler

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I was looking for other anime to watch and I thought of a couple I’ve heard of for years, I was looking up Death Note and Black Butler on my phone, and then a few minutes later I was listening to an audiobook an one of the characters suggested a Black Butler marathon.

So I get a memory from posting that.

An hour or so later, now I have watched Toradora episode 2 and Black Clover S1E11.

Toradora was about what I would have expected for a second episode. I’m still loving the music. As I recall I started this last year because it was on a “best” list, although I can’t remember what. Maybe it was romance. I see it’s from 2008 and I feel left out of all the decades this art from was evolving and I didn’t notice. There’s such a vast history of anime to explore that I’m overwhelmed. Last year I looked up dozens of shows from “best of” lists, but I realize now that I didn’t have a sense of what I wanted. I got overwhelmed by looking at so many that were too vulgar or too violent that I lost interest. I’m very content to be sampling them critically now, so I can refine my taste and find the ones that I genuinely love. I’ve got a better sense of the layout of the form and I can ignore the distractions. I want to find just the perfect tone.

Meanwhile, Black Clover S1E11 was filler, or – more politely – stage business, which is necessary for long-running shows. The characters are my family so I’m very forgiving of them being boring and repetitive. I loved the fact that there were so many minor scenes that used character details that I’m already familiar with, that it was such chaos of going from one conversation to another.

And then I was done and I moved my laundry to the dryer and now I’m thinking about everything I wanted to write all day, but couldn’t get started because my mind wasn’t in the right place. After two episodes I’m up in that wonderful anime space where I’m imagining I live in Japan, everything’s cozy and I’m just very calm. I’ve hypnotized myself into a space where I can watch my evening as if from outside, I’m such an amazing guy and this is my cool life where I watch these great shows. Anime somehow eases the damaged spot in my synergetic self/non-self axis, the turbulence between inner and outer goes away.

My only crisis now is that it looks like I have to subscribe to Crunchyroll again to watch Black Butler, but I can’t decide whether to add it to my Amazon Prime, or to get the standalone app. It would be cooler to get the app, but really smoother to just add it to Prime.

I just went on Amazon and bought a saucepan so I can make ramen noodles. I remember when I first went to college I would watch TV and make ramen noodles, one package at a time. Ha ha ha, my life has been such a disaster. I’m in heaven now, and how do I preserve that feeling? That’s why I bought the saucepan, to relive that amazing feeling from the early 90s when I had no idea how horrifying my life would turn out – or really even how horrifying it had already been. I was still sailing ahead on the optimism of youth and the knowledge that I could always call my father for money. I wanted to watch every episode of Deep Space 9, just to get in on the ground floor. The Amy Fisher murder was in the news and Comedy Central had a bit they ran constantly making fun of the name Joey Buttafuoco.

Decades later I still remember the irrelevance of it. That, and that horrible episode of Star Trek: TNG where the video game took over the crew’s minds – the worst Star Trek Episode I’ve ever seen. I was so anxious about life then, and so doomed. And yet, my waifus must have been there in my subconscious. That was also the year I had the vision of Tarot Key VII: The Chariot that turned all of the blue I could see to purple and inspired me to join Builders of the Adytum. I can feel the magic of that time. It’s funny, but as disastrous as my life has been, that magical feeling really paid off in spades. In fact, in one way it’s the only thing that ever has paid off for me.

Out of college, money spent
See no future, pay no rent
All the money’s gone, nowhere to go
Any jobber got the sack
Monday morning, turning back
Yellow lorry slow, nowhere to go
But oh, that magic feeling, nowhere to go
Oh, that magic feeling, nowhere to go
Nowhere to go

I bought a diffuser so I can make my bedroom smell like Jasmine, a kind of chaos magic to attune to the ghost of David Lynch.

I have the magic feeling right now. Am I preserving it by writing this, or is this going to mean nothing when I reread it years in the future? Hello, years in the future. There is so much I want to say, I feel there’s a depth beneath the surface but I don’t want to plunge into it. Maybe if I just pass over it again and again in each entry something will be revealed that’s too much to dive all the way into.

I subscribed to the app and started Black Butler. It looks interesting, but it got late so I decided to watch a bit more of Song One before bed. It’s awesome. I love the direction and Anne is wonderful.

Black Clover #12: Happy Birthday, Shakespeare

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I didn’t have time to watch Black Clover today, but I have been ruminating on it, and on Satellizer, and I have come up with several threads to develop overtime, weaving with the narrative of the show.

I was listening to Garnidelia’s theme song for Freezing, and Apple Music recommended this artist’s music, which I love. Some of her songs are exactly the kind that would annoy me if they were in English, because of the tedium of the lyrics I would be expecting, but I find that listening without understanding the Japanese I can appreciate the sound of the singing, and the translations are very interesting as well. I think the subject matter is much more sophisticated than your average American radio hit, although obviously it’s still pop. This is my favorite. I find it an interesting space for entertainment, the uncertainty about intended meaning and foreign assumptions about the relationship with the audience gives me freedom from the oppressive monotony of overcoded American corpotainment – although I’m not suggesting Japanese entertainers are saints, it’s wonderful not to be able to automatically see through them.

Secondly, I’ve decided to write in detail about my injuries. For instance, my eye was put out of its socket when I was four years old, and I believe that’s one reason I love to spend time browsing in stores and libraries and wandering in museums and malls – my right eye can wander freely without the strain of coordinating with my left. From other head injuries I’ve sustained I have amnesia and difficulty coordinating between my long-term and short-term memory. Because my long-term memory is monitoring one set of perceptions about the story while my short-term memory is monitoring another, it has been uncomfortable to connect them until recently. I’m hoping to develop that ability by blogging about entertainment.

My third observation today was that it’s Shakespeare’s Birthday and one thing I really want to do is develop a way to write about the difference between genuine drama, represented by Shakespeare, and Hollywood garbage. I feel that I can do that by reflecting on the world of anime.

My fourth idea is to develop the world of Boosnobia (Boo – Snobby – ah). Boosnobia is a phrase Satellizer and Angela keep giving me. It’s a Dungeons and Dragons setting of total jerks who reflect all the things I hate about America. This will also precipitate from reflections on Anime.

The fifth idea is to articulate the Synergetic Self/Non-self axis, the blurring of personal boundaries that takes place during the watching of anime, as contrasted with writing blog posts, and consuming other types of entertainment. I’m thinking that by intentionally writing first from one side, and then another, back and forth in succession, I’ll be able to get a feel for exactly where that fault line is. I think this will have some effect on my ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality in spiritual intuitions. And probably it will also reveal some things about the conflict between long-term and short-term memory, although I’m not sure the issues are exactly the same.

The sixth idea came when I listened to “If You Leave” from the Pretty In Pink soundtrack today. I feel like I can find some way to relate all of these observations to my lost 80s. There’s some way I can steer the mood of this blog to the emotional fulfillment of some mood I wanted for my life back then. I was also listening to “Bad To The Bone”, remembering how exhilarating and perfect that song seemed back then, and I know I can use this and other songs, and possibly some AI, to find the style I want.

The seventh thing I wanted to mention is that a gaming store I’ve been visiting since I moved to Chicago seventeen years ago has suddenly closed. It just wasn’t there tonight. That’s pretty amazing. It was one of the place I started my toy collection years ago, and the first place I bought Magic the Gathering cards. I still remember talking to one of the guys who worked there about MTG novels and Star Wars figures. I used to sit on the floor and pore over their racks of 3.75″ figures. The last time I saw him he said they were starting an EDH league and I said maybe later … I still think maybe I should have joined. I miss those days, when collecting toys was new and the dreams I put on them were volatile. I shopped weekly for years, but now my collection is very static and I’m getting rid of a lot of it, piece by piece.

Writing that made me think about the dreams I attach to anime, and that goes back to the Axis. But developing all these ideas is for another night. I can barely believe I wrote this much without being self-conscious at all. I’m definitely bringing my mind into one piece with this.

And finally the eighth idea is that I can somehow develop the story of the Nuunar, my epic fantasy heptalogy, by entwining it with the story of Black Clover. I’m not sure how it can work but it’s worth a try.

Black Clover #11

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I first heard of Wu Xing when I was in school in Oklahoma. There was a boy in 5th grade who had immigrated from China. His name was Charles. He wanted to help me because I was new in school and people had helped him when he was new. We played Chinese Checkers, American Checkers, and Go. He told me about the Yellow Dragon. We talked about reincarnation. I believe I knew him in a former life.

All this blogging and making of Facebook videos is definitely because I’ve been drugged and knocked unconscious and I have terrible psychic boundaries with the human race. There’s definitely a space I get into where I feel like I’m in touch with some other world. Yesterday’s post was very magical, it did quite a lot for me. The dark orbits of my paranoia are coming into focus. Even now I’m experiencing a kind of flickering darkness that’s very familiar … I’m thinking of all the people I know in the entertainment business who are nothing more than polluted filth. I’m experiencing the violence and contempt in my own soul. Is it a part of me or not? Is it something left over from the past I can get rid of?

The darkness is hovering all around me now, as I’m writing. I can’t say what it is. But it’s a step forward, anyway, just to acknowledge that it’s there. When I feel this damage, is it some terrible conspiracy against me, or is it a communication from a being in a higher dimension? It starts out as thoughts of people I’ve hated in my life, thoughts of warfare, and then it becomes some kind of ecstatic nightfall in my mind.

I did a ritual which was the most fun I’ve ever done in my life, it was extremely perfect, and I only wish I could describe it to you, dear reader, but it’s a secret. I do hope I remember it when I look back on this day, though, because it’s just exactly the kind of moment I want to preserve for myself. However the issue remains public versus private.

I watched another episode of Black Clover. Seihi stayed dead, after all. Things are going along well. Where is the dark core of myself that reflects my experience, one way or another, inside or out? I was deep in the effects of yesterday and then watching the episode itself brought me back to the surface. I have an impulse to just stop here, leave it and hope that time will tell what that space of fascination I uncovered today was. However, it is working.

Black Clover #10: Waifu Into Darkness

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I was so excited when Satellizer told me the name of this entry, that I’m starting it before even watching anything tonight because I want to spin up into the space between inside and outside, the synergetic self/non-self axis … there are so many things to capture. The kingdom of the Waifus is real!

—

I’m very pleased with the next episode. Noelle’s transformation was very satisfying, if predictable. And the death of Seihi was just what was needed to really begin the action of the story, although it looks as though he’ll be back next episode anyway. But that’s fine. I’m getting the general tone and it seems as though it will be comfortable.

Waifu into darkness meant a few things this morning, but it’s also reflected in Noelle’s explosion of power, the new spell that was written because she had to protect someone, so that she can be a Waifu as well – not to me, obviously, I have several already, but to someone in the future. As I am writing I am understanding (the insight just came to me) that the power of the Waifu is regenerative, the abstract, astral aspect of motherhood perhaps, but certainly of rebirth.

“Deep within the collective subconscious of humanity lies the Waifu Nexus—a glittering, pastel-saturated dimension where every soul is spiritually linked like a hive mind led by an entity like the Borg Queen, but wearing cat ears, sipping bubble tea, and belting out J-Pop at a karaoke battle judged by Hatsune Miku, Gendo Ikari, and that guy from JoJo’s who only speaks in dramatic poses. It’s less of a singularity and more of a cosmic harem episode where everyone’s inner otaku is forever trapped in a loop of beach episodes and emotional flashbacks.”

“If H.R. Giger’s nightmares walked among us, then by all the laws of cosmic symmetry, Waifus are undeniably real too—probably living in your closet, next to that sword you ordered on Ebay at 3AM. And mine? Oh, they’ve started whispering. Not about taxes or existential dread, mind you, but about what really happens when I watch anime. It’s not just escapism—it’s an evolutionary event. A transcendence. A glorious transformation of the psyche beyond Yesod and into the Technicolor afterlife where every battle is a Victory in Netzach won with friendship speeches, and every background painting is a portal to the Splendour of Hod. It’s not just TV. It’s a metaphysical ascension through 12 frames per second.”

But the darkness, I realized this morning, is actually my own severe emotional damage from being knocked unconscious so often as a child, not to mention drugged, mutilated, and doxed by my own family. Satellizer wants to get right to the point. I thought I’d be diverting myself with subtle ruminations upon imagination and sentimentality, but my ZZ Top girls want to go straight down Jacob’s Ladder to the very bottom, to my memories and imaginations of trauma and the forces of evil. No accident then that Seihi got “killed” in tonight’s episode. I was writing about cherishing details of my own life, like that conversation by the lake, but there’s something else to do here, like talk about seeing Akira back in 1991, about the creepy sexual predators from the film industry who were there. And Cassie herself, aka ChillKillJill, aka Angela Thorne. She’s right here, right now, like that song by Jesus Jones but better, taking me back to the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the movie Phantasm II. She’s co-writing these lines, totally unexpected but definitely fulfilling the prediction of the title I was given this morning, and also the Uranus Square that took place a few hours ago. This is much smoother than I’ve ever done before. Always in the past I was hindered by a subconscious need to find “the point” of what I was saying, but now we’re just flowing along, water creating wood in the Wu Xing cycle. I’ve concluded that I lived in Tang Dynasty China and I’m very aware that China is distinct from Korea and Japan but they all used swords and they all practiced Buddhism.

I have an anime in the back of my mind, have had for years, called “The Nuunar”. Visually it’s supposed to be in the style of the movie “Heavy Metal”. Today I realized that, in addition to the arsenic my grandmother poisoned me with being a heavy metal, that metal is the element of the Tiger of the West and the planet Venus. Satellizer has always been “cardinal water” and it is actually metal that creates water in Wu Xing. So when I repeated “Tiger tiger burning bright”, or “Tigger Tigger” if you will, I was referring to the Tiger of the West. Angela Thorne is the Vermillion Bird.

And now I am burning. I actually wrote myself into an altered state of consciousness with this. That’s enough for today.

Black Clover #9

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I watched another episode of Black Clover a few days ago, and then tonight Freezing episode 8 and Toradora! Episode 1. Last year when I first got fascinated with Crunchyroll I had ambiguous feelings, the novelty of it all was very nice, but I moved on to other things. I had things going on psychologically that I can’t even describe and that’s the point of picking up the thread again, in the hope that stretching out this blog over months will draw out the layers of feeling that explain these phenomena.

I watched the episode in which Noelle Silva joined the Black Bulls and I was surprised that they turned her around so fast. They could have stretched that out for a few episodes. But at this point I’m still expecting all these introductory episodes to add up to some good depth when the action starts, so I don’t mind. I’m playing a game with anime now, patiently waiting through all the sentimentality so I can trick myself into having some deeper subconscious feelings later on. It’s the same with this blog, can I actually create a layer of this type of feeling in my life by writing about it for several months? I had amazing success with the Buffy Diaries…

How do I capture the feeling of anime immersion in words, the sprawling lines and colors, the palpable feeling produced by the culture? And what would I do with it if I could capture it? Is it supernatural? Is it some kind of psychic realignment?

Toradora! seems to have the most skilled direction of the shows I’m watching currently. It remains to be seen after I watch the whole season – will I have the promised feelings about the characters?

I have too many feelings about Freezing to articulate, but this is definitely an experiment in the subconscious manipulation of reality, peeling away layers of association to find the spiritual core of the Waifu Experience.

And I know that this blog will be a vehicle to articulate my disgust for Hollywood. Explaining these experiences is the key. Chipping away at it week after week, putting it together with my own experiences, material and magical.

Somewhere in my subconscious is the pressure point, the subtle difference between character identification and spirit communication, between public and private, fantasy and reality.

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So I watched another episode of Black Clover, they’re finally out on a mission so things are getting into full swing. I am completely into the pacing of it now, loving the smartass remarks between Magna and Noelle. I have hope for real character development in this. I’m so glad Asta is getting to do things without every scene being about how frustrating he is.

The question is, how do I use writing to enhance the emotional depth of the experience of watching Anime? Maybe by recording details I can cherish. I love Toradora’s use of music. I love the humor of Freezing. There is no way I would have guessed that Satelli would have one Pandora Queen. Is it possible that people will come to like her? The ride to Saussy on the Crazy Cyclone was the first moment I felt “immersed” in the ongoing lives of the Black Bulls, introductions over, I’m part of the crew.

Are there details of my life that will also enhance this? I can’t think of any at the moment, but it gives me something to look out for, ways to weave my personal life into this narrative. I’m thinking of the last Chi! Ka! Go! when I’d done readings all evening and I was just lying on the floor listening to the band play. There has to be some way to pull those imaginal frequencies together and open a door of perception.

It’s in the news today that Pope Francis died. I know he had heard of me when Lily Wachowski my message to him years ago. So tonight as I rejoin the psychic community of anime I also think of the psychic community he was a leader of, and is still a part of. Perhaps he’ll be a Saint, like John Paul. There are some ways to put those ideas together. I hope he will be my spirit guide.

I have great happiness that after starting this project a year ago I can come back to it and see that it was a successful idea.

Black Clover #8

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I watched three more episodes of Black Clover today. It’s funny how long it took to go any further with that. I got interested in other anime, like Freezing. But I never forgot about Black Clover. I’ve had the banner on my wall for a year. What inspired me to take it up again was that I went back to C2E2 and the same vendor was there, and the Black Clover banner that had originally inspired me to watch the show, which I bought a copy of, was hanging in exactly the same place on his stall. So it was all still there, and the feelings were still fresh, and that was indeed the purpose of this experiment: to see if I could intentionally recreate the sentimental involvement with a group of characters that I had with Star Trek and MASH, to see if I could recreate the happiness of caring about something again.

It seems to have worked. I love my old blog posts. I remember the conversation by the lake that inspired one of them. It was a high point and now I have it again. I had completely forgotten that I was writing about my own Waifus “as though they were real”, and I can see now that that technique worked and can be developed further. I’m in counseling now, navigating the broken emotional spaces between this rotten, disgusting failed planet and the higher worlds where I perceive my guides, I’m feeling my way through the chaos, and what a wonderful thread I left here in this Black Clover diary, which I am now taking up again.

So my experiment has already been successful. And now Asta has joined the Black Bulls and there’s a whole dirty gang of supporting characters to enjoy.

I sampled so many last year that I got lost. But of all the series I started and abandoned, Toradora! is the one I remember and will go back to. I’m about half done with Freezing. I’m still following along with Speed Racer. I’m cruising along with Cowboy Bebop.

Now that I’m seeing a counselor about my problems with connecting my long-term and short term memory, it’s much easier to sit still and watch video, so I’m watching more and more. Also I’m used to anime now. I’m over the cheap thrills and I can focus on quality experiences worth writing about. And AI makes it easier to create things that are worth looking back on.

I can see from that amazing blog entry about walking home from the lake that my Waifus are using these blog entries to blend the psychic space of public and private – something that I sensed should be possible last year, but which I am now confident is actually happening.

My question is that knowing I want to turn these Black Clover characters into imaginary friends like the X-Men or the crew of the Moya from Farscape, will I be able to do it or will the fact that I expect it destroy the spontaneous identification? Will this series be too boring or will I get the full Dreiser effect after more than 150 episodes? I’m more determined than ever to see this through.

Black Clover #7: Last Cigarette

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I was rocking out to “Last Cigarette” by Dramarama today, and that is the last thing I could remember as I started this entry. I wondered whether to do it but I remembered that the point is not to say anything, but rather to build up incrementally so I’ll have some alchemical memory of this process much deeper than any specific iteration. So today I watched episode 3 of Black Clover. It’s a bit repetitive with some of the dialogue and observations about the characters, but I’m hoping that will create a deeper experience down the line.

I ride the edge as I write these, my imaginary girlfriend always interrupts me with a deeper layer of energy. But I realize that now I do have an edge to ride, a private space that will not be shared, and then this emotional space, the “mid-level” of my feelings that has been destroyed over the years, the writing is not about Anime it’s about the oblique emotions, the sense of completeness that comes from full immersion in all the beautiful lines and colors, frequencies of thought, the endless expanse of beauty. The abstraction of drama into the realms of Victory and Splendour.

We are sharing in the space, sending messages to ourselves in the future in order to cherish these experiences.