Toward the end of last semester I started reading After the Light by Kimberly Clark Sharp, the renowned expert on near-death experiences. I had to put my reading on hold though, for the sake of finals. She had been telling the story of how she became involved in NDE research after moving to Washington state. I didn’t find the location important at all and was not reminded of it when i saw Twilight, the new movie about Northwest Pacific vampires. Having seen the movie a few times (and planning to see it a few more) I also picked up After the Light to finish it and lo and behold within a page I was reading about Kimberly’s visit to “La Push”, the beach so prominently featured in the movie I had just been watching. How really wonderful that this obscure little beach, which I had noticed only because Eric keeps repeating it in the movie (I actually only remembered it because of the actor’s delivery) should be mentioned in such a way. I know I was led by spirit to stop reading at just that place so I could experience the synchronicity of “La Push” and also the mention of Rainier Beer — the “Vitamin R” that Bella’s father is drinking in the movie. This book was written in the 1990’s, by the way.
A Public Reminder to Myself
I’m approaching 40 years of age now, and blissfully grateful that I don’t have to care about anything anymore. You youngsters are so pathetic, always trying to make an impression on people . . . now that I’m old and slow I know I shall take the time to finish all my novels before I die, simply because I don’t have the energy or emotional commitment to think up any more projects.
The Argonauta
A Paper Nautlius
Holy Man
The Dharmacists
The Survivors
Spanish Castle Magic
The Road To Nowhere (metaphysical rock ‘n roll sci-fi horror spyporn)
Cold Fusion
Freedom
The Golden Sphear
Crop Circle
The Vogue Cycle
. . . From the High Hills Around His Head
There, that’s the basic list which I am putting on my blog because every time I write it down I forget the piece of paper somewhere. This is my OEUVRE, baby. Deal with it. It’s amazing how many damn huge-ass projects I have come up with in my lifetime, but just as with the Church of Art, Inc. I am doomed to struggle for years to get anything done. Nevertheless, if I but live I WILL get these things done.
also including a book of lyrics, poems, and short stories, including “Pizza the Hard Way” and “Love Like Blood”.
Wandering In Chicago
I love riding the El around Chicago. I love to read everyone’s aura. I think sometimes I’m coming close to understanding what I’m looking for . . . I just spent three hours playing “Metropolis” tonight, when I should have been studying for a “Theories of Personality” test . . . I was surfing the profiles of people I’ve never met and never will . . . there’s a vague outline of something, a pattern that is emerging to explain the terrible disappointment I’ve always felt in humanity . . .
It’s a psychic understanding. I almost had it a few seconds ago when I started this blog entry, but then it disappeared. So much of my life is strange layers of energy that just shift and then the meaning of the previous moment vanishes into nothingness. What held me together in this world? Magic, I guess. I’m a magical being, truly psychic now, able to act as a conduit for messages from the other side . . . and yet where is my home? What the hell am I supposed to be focused on? And the answer to that question comes easily but I can’t write it down because it’s yet another weird layer of energy . . . I wish I could have just been with people . . . just communicated with them instead of having to always skirt the issue . . . on the other hand I’m certainly glad I’m not “normal”, don’t have to worry about Obama vs. McCain or the Rwandan genocide or anything like that.
Sigh, what a strange melancholy of anti-nostalgia . . . one might say I miss the future. I can’t wait to leave this world and go into the light.
Poltergeist (1982)
Just saw “Poltergeist”, another trip down memory lane. The timewarp effect is heightened because this was the first time i heard of “the light” and spirits “crossing over”, the standard model of life and afterlife described by mediums. At the time I was an atheist so it seemed silly. Now the humor is that i know that the medium character in the movie speaks only the plain truth.
I am so nostalgic child I was . . . why do I still cling to a fondness for that linear, mundane reality, when movies and rock music were important events, even though now my life is far more dramatic and truly supernatural than any movie could be — because it’s real! Maybe it’s because it was all so ugly and messy. In my next life I’ll be a rock star.
I guess it’s also funny that I remember how terrifying and “realistic” the special effects seemed at the time, from an era before “The Matrix” and “Jurassic Park”. The little glowing streamers of ectoplasm were my favorites — they’re so dated now, so obviously “cartoony” I have to laugh. But now I can see the actual etheric plane I know that some of those little lights look exactly the way they’re suppposed to.
And of course the two daughters in the film died within a few years. As I recall John Belushi had been up for the lead. Shades of Heath Ledger, Brandon Lee, Aaliyah, et al. No accidents here, but the meaning of it is closed to me. However now, after more than twenty years I know there IS a meaning, and it wasn’t “just a movie”. There was a reason I got attached to it and saw it so many times.
Does a movie like this open a portal to a higher plane? It must.
Ha! They’re showing “the Exorcist” this weekend, too! Of course we all scoffed back then when they told us it was based on a true story, but now, watch out!
The Trouble with Absolute Freedom
all summer i’ve been practicing astral projection and self-hypnosis. i have a totally radical and awesome inner world i can voyage through at any time. i don’t really need to do anything anymore to entertain myself, but then lately i’ve been watching movies a lot just to avoid thinking. apparently i’m becoming really shallow now that i no longer feel so trapped in the physical world. i don’t understand it. i want to fill my head with meaningless movie junk instead of working on anything important. i feel vaguely uncomfortable in my body, like i don’t belong here.
none of my relationships feel the same either. so much of what they were bulit on is gone. of course most relationships are just habits, very few get to the core of a person.
i’m starting to miss myself i guess. i look back on myself as a child and think, i had such potential and courage, and nothing really came of it. i got the important thing in life, which was spiritual knowledge, but it wasn’t really fun. it’s not exaggeration or self-pity to say i grew up around really nasty people. i attracted a lot of pathological liars and creeps.
on the other hand i’m a master of the law of attraction now. i could use my magical powers to become a world-famous millionaire psychic rock star if i wanted. the question is, is it worth it? my guru says that the next hundred years will see a drastic reduction in the world population and the overthrow of the current world order. i’m all for that but it calls into question the relative importance of being an artist when everything’s going to be forgotten in the disasters to come . . .
sigh, i’m surrounded by people who want to connect with me. i wish i could overcome this darkness and sense of isolation within myself.
Aliens . . .
just saw it in the theater, what a nostalgic moment . . . when Aliens came out in 1986 it was a cutting-edge action movie. wow! how realistic and gritty and dark and scary! no one had ever seen anything like that. i read about it in time magazine. sigourney weaver was a serious actress who gave weight to the whole thing . . . now we’ve had The Matrix and a bunch of other darker grittier movies and the whole genre has gone as far as it can go, just like American Popular Culture has gone as far as it can go.
but more importantly when i saw that movie as a teenager i still believed i could be an ordinary human being, before i started seeing the etheric plane and being haunted by ghosts . . . before i was plunged into the twilight zone of human consciousness not to emerge for another 20 years. so to see it again reminds me of how far i’ve come, how much has changed and been lost and how much of what i thought was reality was only an illusion.
but on the other hand what i thought was illusion then was actually reality. i really am psychic and there really is an underground revolution taking place . . . what a trip!
A night to remember
Occasionally I’ll get drunk as a way of kicking my psychic awareness to the next level, or making some huge adjustment that sobriety would prevent. Alcohol makes one susceptitlbe to spirit influence. If I wasn’t practicing positive spirit contact daily it might be dangerous but generally I know who’s around me before I go. Now I’ve really done something enormous, taken a quantum leap in perception and separated out two strands of my consciousness I can barely understand. Like most people I have a river of psychic information flooding through my mind at all times, and like most people lower energies in my aura have been “covering up” a lot of that information until now . . . but all my work is paying off and I am finally becoming able to separate the layers.
It’s like I have been leaving three or four lifetimes I wasn’t aware of, or like taking an old photograph and separating the layers of color with photoshop or something. Any conversation or interaction I’ve ever had I can “replay” from a different angle and see the auras involved, the energies and even get a hint of the higher spirits.
It’s a trip, I’m telling you.
The Big Shadow
for most of my life I’ve felt a big shadow around myself and other people — it’s always been difficult to define what i felt was wrong with me, why i never felt comfortable just “being”, why i could never accept people or situations the way they were and had to always be looking for a deeper meaning.
somehow my aura shifted and this darkness turned out to be some kind of force, a presence in my aura that i had to allow. it was actually the wind in my sails, the force that was pushing me through life. this shadow wasn’t really dark, it was a level of consciousness that i could not see, and so it only appeared dark because i couldn’t look at it. i couldn’t look at it because i falsely believed there was something i needed to learn or do in this world; i had tremendous guilt that i wasn’t living enough, wasn’t fulfilling the purpose of my life. maybe it was left over from my last lifetime.
it seems like i’m about to accept this difference. i couldn’t do it before because i would have felt like a failure, i suppose, as though i was missing out on a normal life. i never wanted to be weird. i always wanted to understand everything so i could “get my life together” and be highly effective. actually, i wanted to be a rock star, so i went out and acted like one not realizing that a rock star without millions of dollars to squander is pretty pathetic.
i don’t actually know what’s happening but my long work at shamanism and channeling is paying off. i’m getting stable with these perceptions and i don’t know what is happening but it feels like i’m about to have that dramatic change i’ve always wanted — the one where i finally figure out what’s going on.
Watching the Matrix Again . . .
I have a cute little DVD player/television unit upon which I am now watching the Matrix: Reloaded because even though everyone was totally disappointed in the Matrix Trilogy, I found it to be epoch making and I am sticking with it because it’s old and familiar like a your favorite sweater or something. the Ethers continue to coalesce around me and I am understanding the various layers of darkness and alienation which have constituted my life for years . . . even as spirits, such as this one named Jill, come to me and show me a higher plane where I can go and be happy. I’ve been submerged in first-person accounts of the afterlife for weeks now. I know a better world is waiting for me, and what’s even better I am utterly freed of guilt for having avoided life in this world . . . as far back as high school I knew it was all crap, wouldn’t play by the rules, couldn’t bring myself to give a shit about anything. And I was right to do so because all those normos were dead wrong about everything.
Kind of like the movies . . .
this is like a scene from “highlander” or something, i’m drawing all kinds of energy into myself which has a palpable reality, like syrup . . . similar feeling to that i had a couple of years ago, waking up from a dream about Oshun. i felt the air thick all around my head, as though i had carried the dream back with me into the world. i posted about that on my myspace blog. i’ll have to cross-post this there. basically these little fleeting glimpses of higher consciousness which i get take a couple of years to work their way down until they’re fairly consistent.
so now i have this etheric “syrup” all around me and i’m getting to the point where i can actually “link up” or “sync up” with all these people with whom i’ve had extraoridnarily frustrating realtionships over the last couple of years — people who i’m obviously psychically connected with but with whom i somehow never have the time or ability to be around. now i’m out in chicago and most of them are back in that craphole grand rapids . . . some are in toronto . . . south africa, even. people i’d like to connect with in some way but cant.
i look down through the syrup, my “assemblage point” or whatever you want to call it moves through this morass of energy picking its way so i can finally see the energy that’s actually linking these people up. don’t know what you call it but it works.
the big mystery is, by the time this is all over, this 2012 thing or whatever it is, none of us will be even remotely as we imagined we ought to be. we’re all becoming something entirely new and Other.
Regnum Somniorum 