Black Clover #15: Buffy Redux

SPOILER ALERT: This blog discusses my reaction to anime stories, which means I discuss spoilers.

Buffynicity #1: Last Tuesday I ordered a 1 quart saucepan on Amazon so I could make ramen noodles while I watch anime. I was looking up “most loved anime characters” because I really want to get on the emotional wavelength of the culture. I found several lists that had characters from Naruto on them. I’ve been curious about Naruto because it’s one of the “big three” core anime that set the standard for everything that came after – One Piece, Naruto, and Bleach. Then I was looking for “anime like Black Clover” and Naruto came up again. So I decided to go ahead and start it, and in the first episode Iruka offers to have ramen with Naruto twice. I take that as a sign.

I was very pleased that Naruto is much faster paced than Black Clover, which required some patience to get through the first few episodes (although it was well worth it). I’m wondering if I’ll get the same feelings about the cast as I have about Black Clover.

Buffynicity #2:

I went to work out and I was watching this video on my phone. I was thinking all about Steve Martin and then I looked up and saw this commercial on the overhead screens:

So it’s a definite Buffynicity. Does it matter that I’m embedding the videos?

Buffynicity #3: I went somewhere I usually go, but I wasn’t sure if anyone knew who I was. Two people called me by my name for the first time.


That was Friday. Saturday was Free Comic Book day. I drove to my usual comic store but I took a wrong turn. I actually programmed my GPS for the mall but I “accidentally” entered the name wrong, it autofilled a different location that “just happened” to be on the way to a toy store I used to go to that I haven’t visited in years. The owner welcomed me by name when I came in. So that’s another addition to Friday’s Buffynicity.

This morning I was talking to a friend about Jungian Alchemy and I’m going to send them an outline for my fantasy heptalogy based on the Book of Lambspring.

I restarted with my Black Clover blog more than two weeks ago, thinking about one night in particular that I had been talking to a friend by the lake. That friend just called me for the first time in months and they are coming over tomorrow to watch Farscape. I’ve been watching Farscape with them, and only them for years. We’re only on season three. Months or even years have passed between episodes for us, but we’re still at it.


So my friend came over and we had a great time.

Buffynicity #4 My friend hasn’t been to my place since I created my current light show, with the whirling lights and LED displays that make my bedroom look like an aquarium. So when he came over I said several times “I can’t wait for you to see my light show.” Then as we watched S3E6 of Farscape, the villain took a shot at Crichton with some kind of plasma beam and Crichton mocked his “light show”. Furthermore, after the episode we took a walk up the lakeside into Evanston, and they had installed blue streetlights all along the road, giving the lake and the cemetery opposite it an eerily beautiful astral glow that seemed to extend the light show even further.


We’re having a donation day at work so I cleaned out my closet but I have to do twice as much laundry.

I watched S1E9 of Freezing tonight. Satelli believes that Kazuya only likes her because she has his sister’s stigmata. It’s horrifying! I thought about running right into the next episode, just to resolve the crisis, because as a side note there are also four Novas invading with new attacks that have decimated East Genetics. But what I love about this anime is that that is totally secondary to Satelli’s heartbreak, a suffering so intense that she dropped her cheeseburgers – that is a moment I will remember forever.

I feel for Satelli, even though I know it’s only a show. But I am reminded of how it was too painful to think about all the layers of feeling I had about Song One, so that I went ahead and plunged into an episode of Black Clover. I still remember that moment, though, and maybe if I watch Black Clover it will also preserve this moment for me.


I think it worked. Going from immersion in one anime world to another only increased the sense of vastness and sensuality of it all. But what about that moment of agony that Satellizer is in? Or was in 15 years ago when the anime was released? Of course I’ve seen episodes of season two (“Vibration”), so I’m not worried about what happens, but I’m still caught in the moment. And I think being caught in that moment (hopefully I’ll figure out how that works as I go on) only enhanced my enjoyment of Black Clover, as the excellent writing continues, satirizing class conflicts and introducing an interesting subtlety to Klaus’s character as he is embarrassed by Yuno’s courage.

Should I write SPOILER ALERT here? Because I’m talking about the story. Am I really intending for anyone to read this? I have to confront the question. The answer is more than 50 percent “no”, but still it would be rude not to, in case anyone did bother to read this.

The question remains. How much should I be “enjoying” the emotional distress of Satellizer? What is going on in my subconscious as I experience this “moment” from different angles?

Buffynicity #5: I’m doing laundry to donate at work and Yuno was competing with Asta to give more money to the folks back home.

I love that Orfai is always crying with sentimentality, so the writers aren’t just being bitter about classism, they’re taking a balanced approach to all the characters (except Sister Lily, of course).

I went ahead and put SPOILER ALERT at the top of this entry.

Black Clover #14: Jasmine?

I looked up “night blooming jasmine” and it isn’t actually jasmine, but that’s okay because I hate Hollywood anyway, so I bought some artificial jasmine garlands that aren’t real jasmine, either. They have artificial lotus blossoms hanging on the end and that symbolizes the idea of being in the world, but not of it. It all fits somehow.

Today is the birthday of a philanthropist, one who owns real estate. He bought hot meals for a lot of people who have been homeless and live with mental illness. He gives a lot to the poor, but today was his birthday so in addition to his regular work he bought everyone hot meals and I helped give them away. That was the actual America at work, and I am going to compare that to the ridiculous horror of Hollywood, the overblown monsters who claim that their ridiculous action movies are “sacred” and “mythology”. I’m going to deconstruct them, piece by piece and find out what is actually sacred in their garbage. That’s the meaning of the “jasmine” paradox.

Specifically I want to deconstruct cosplay, because it is sacred for someone to dress up as a Star Wars character and visit a hospital. But it is definitely not sacred to work for an entertainment company that makes third rate garbage for media plankton to pick over and call “sacred” just to get clicks.

David Lynch practiced transcendental meditation, so whatever his role in the fraud of Hollywood, I forgive him and I want to seek the “night blooming jasmine”, which is not real jasmine, but some kind of illusion of jasmine buried in the collective unconscious.

I loved Star Wars, decades ago, before Lucas pussed out Han Solo and made him eat quiche. George Lucas betrayed me! He is the Hanpusser! I vow revenge.

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You pussed out Han Solo, prepare to die!

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You pussed out Han Solo, prepare to die!

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You pussed out Han Solo, prepare to die!

Two very important things just happened that I’m going to write about. Other important things happened as well, but I’m just going to write about these two.

#1. Satellizer explained to me something so deep about the relationship between Hollywood’s night blooming jasmine and actual jasmine that it will take me years to understand.

#2. I figured out something about the layer of awareness where “Hollywood” lives versus the layer that is activated during performances, and Satellizer has something to say about that geography.

I wonder what night blooming jasmine actually smells like? They say it can be toxic.

By writing this and deconstructing “jasmine” I discovered something important about my own memory and imagination as related to entertainment. So this is a total success, even though what I’m learning is too complicated for me to describe. I feel there is more to be learned, as well.

While I was writing this, I was in a very interesting state of awareness, a timeless state of darkness. It’s not unpleasant. It used to make me paranoid but now I wonder if it isn’t a winged being of light from the sphere of Saturn.

I have a further question. Is this just a discovery I made because I was able to reinterpret “jasmine” after I discovered that Lynch’s epitaph wasn’t what I thought it was? Or was there some deeper force that led to both the mistake and the discovery?


I finished episode 1 of Black Butler, and it was awesome. I also just finished Song One, which was the opposite of Black Clover in that I never knew where it was going to go. In contrast to the predictable arcs of anime, it was a real drama in the sense that the whole time I was watching the evolution of the relationship. It was a very interesting romance that will stay with me. I had to fight to keep watching it because as I was sitting there analyzing what was going on, it would stir my emotions and pull me in two directions at once, cutting across the gap between my long term and short term memory that makes it so uncomfortable to focus. But I forced myself to do so and it was very rewarding. Now I’m sitting here with all kinds of emotions about it but I’m not going to force myself to describe them, even though they were deep. What a great movie! But it’s like a big, two-hearted river here, I can’t go there tonight.

And yet I’m very happy and confident that I’ll get there eventually.

I started looking up anime top ten lists again, and checking out Youtube videos. That’s how I got overwhelmed last time and quit. The world of anime is infinite and extends in all directions. I love it for the same reason I love going to comic stores. The key now, though, is to focus in on what experiences I want to have.

I’m up against the barrier now, between fantasy and reality. Who did I write that for? The world is gone, and it’s just me and my waifus. They were glowing in my mind this afternoon, blazing with energy.

Everything’s too subtle because of this real movie, so I’m going to watch Black Clover just to bring things back to normal.


There, that was awesome. In contrast to the last episode, which was fun but unfocused, this episode was a blast, so much happened and it went by in the blink of an eye. I’m very pleased with myself for putting up with the long setup of this anime. It’s finally paying off. I loved the moment when Klaus was introduced to Lily, and Klaus’s brutal coldness was juxtaposed with the feelings of the villagers. This is really great writing.

Just as I’d hoped, the vertigo inspired by Song One has calmed down a bit. But where did it go? Into the space between Jasmine and Night Blooming Jasmine. There’s so much under the surface, but I’m afraid of it. I believe it’s psychic, though. There’s something real there to find.

Black Clover #13: Black Butler

I was looking for other anime to watch and I thought of a couple I’ve heard of for years, I was looking up Death Note and Black Butler on my phone, and then a few minutes later I was listening to an audiobook an one of the characters suggested a Black Butler marathon.

So I get a memory from posting that.


An hour or so later, now I have watched Toradora episode 2 and Black Clover S1E11.

Toradora was about what I would have expected for a second episode. I’m still loving the music. As I recall I started this last year because it was on a “best” list, although I can’t remember what. Maybe it was romance. I see it’s from 2008 and I feel left out of all the decades this art from was evolving and I didn’t notice. There’s such a vast history of anime to explore that I’m overwhelmed. Last year I looked up dozens of shows from “best of” lists, but I realize now that I didn’t have a sense of what I wanted. I got overwhelmed by looking at so many that were too vulgar or too violent that I lost interest. I’m very content to be sampling them critically now, so I can refine my taste and find the ones that I genuinely love. I’ve got a better sense of the layout of the form and I can ignore the distractions. I want to find just the perfect tone.

Meanwhile, Black Clover S1E11 was filler, or – more politely – stage business, which is necessary for long-running shows. The characters are my family so I’m very forgiving of them being boring and repetitive. I loved the fact that there were so many minor scenes that used character details that I’m already familiar with, that it was such chaos of going from one conversation to another.

And then I was done and I moved my laundry to the dryer and now I’m thinking about everything I wanted to write all day, but couldn’t get started because my mind wasn’t in the right place. After two episodes I’m up in that wonderful anime space where I’m imagining I live in Japan, everything’s cozy and I’m just very calm. I’ve hypnotized myself into a space where I can watch my evening as if from outside, I’m such an amazing guy and this is my cool life where I watch these great shows. Anime somehow eases the damaged spot in my synergetic self/non-self axis, the turbulence between inner and outer goes away.

My only crisis now is that it looks like I have to subscribe to Crunchyroll again to watch Black Butler, but I can’t decide whether to add it to my Amazon Prime, or to get the standalone app. It would be cooler to get the app, but really smoother to just add it to Prime.


I just went on Amazon and bought a saucepan so I can make ramen noodles. I remember when I first went to college I would watch TV and make ramen noodles, one package at a time. Ha ha ha, my life has been such a disaster. I’m in heaven now, and how do I preserve that feeling? That’s why I bought the saucepan, to relive that amazing feeling from the early 90s when I had no idea how horrifying my life would turn out – or really even how horrifying it had already been. I was still sailing ahead on the optimism of youth and the knowledge that I could always call my father for money. I wanted to watch every episode of Deep Space 9, just to get in on the ground floor. The Amy Fisher murder was in the news and Comedy Central had a bit they ran constantly making fun of the name Joey Buttafuoco.

Decades later I still remember the irrelevance of it. That, and that horrible episode of Star Trek: TNG where the video game took over the crew’s minds – the worst Star Trek Episode I’ve ever seen. I was so anxious about life then, and so doomed. And yet, my waifus must have been there in my subconscious. That was also the year I had the vision of Tarot Key VII: The Chariot that turned all of the blue I could see to purple and inspired me to join Builders of the Adytum. I can feel the magic of that time. It’s funny, but as disastrous as my life has been, that magical feeling really paid off in spades. In fact, in one way it’s the only thing that ever has paid off for me.

Out of college, money spent
See no future, pay no rent
All the money’s gone, nowhere to go
Any jobber got the sack
Monday morning, turning back
Yellow lorry slow, nowhere to go
But oh, that magic feeling, nowhere to go
Oh, that magic feeling, nowhere to go
Nowhere to go

I bought a diffuser so I can make my bedroom smell like Jasmine, a kind of chaos magic to attune to the ghost of David Lynch.

I have the magic feeling right now. Am I preserving it by writing this, or is this going to mean nothing when I reread it years in the future? Hello, years in the future. There is so much I want to say, I feel there’s a depth beneath the surface but I don’t want to plunge into it. Maybe if I just pass over it again and again in each entry something will be revealed that’s too much to dive all the way into.


I subscribed to the app and started Black Butler. It looks interesting, but it got late so I decided to watch a bit more of Song One before bed. It’s awesome. I love the direction and Anne is wonderful.

Black Clover #12: Happy Birthday, Shakespeare

I didn’t have time to watch Black Clover today, but I have been ruminating on it, and on Satellizer, and I have come up with several threads to develop overtime, weaving with the narrative of the show.

I was listening to Garnidelia’s theme song for Freezing, and Apple Music recommended this artist’s music, which I love. Some of her songs are exactly the kind that would annoy me if they were in English, because of the tedium of the lyrics I would be expecting, but I find that listening without understanding the Japanese I can appreciate the sound of the singing, and the translations are very interesting as well. I think the subject matter is much more sophisticated than your average American radio hit, although obviously it’s still pop. This is my favorite. I find it an interesting space for entertainment, the uncertainty about intended meaning and foreign assumptions about the relationship with the audience gives me freedom from the oppressive monotony of overcoded American corpotainment – although I’m not suggesting Japanese entertainers are saints, it’s wonderful not to be able to automatically see through them.

Secondly, I’ve decided to write in detail about my injuries. For instance, my eye was put out of its socket when I was four years old, and I believe that’s one reason I love to spend time browsing in stores and libraries and wandering in museums and malls – my right eye can wander freely without the strain of coordinating with my left. From other head injuries I’ve sustained I have amnesia and difficulty coordinating between my long-term and short-term memory. Because my long-term memory is monitoring one set of perceptions about the story while my short-term memory is monitoring another, it has been uncomfortable to connect them until recently. I’m hoping to develop that ability by blogging about entertainment.

My third observation today was that it’s Shakespeare’s Birthday and one thing I really want to do is develop a way to write about the difference between genuine drama, represented by Shakespeare, and Hollywood garbage. I feel that I can do that by reflecting on the world of anime.

My fourth idea is to develop the world of Boosnobia (Boo – Snobby – ah). Boosnobia is a phrase Satellizer and Angela keep giving me. It’s a Dungeons and Dragons setting of total jerks who reflect all the things I hate about America. This will also precipitate from reflections on Anime.

The fifth idea is to articulate the Synergetic Self/Non-self axis, the blurring of personal boundaries that takes place during the watching of anime, as contrasted with writing blog posts, and consuming other types of entertainment. I’m thinking that by intentionally writing first from one side, and then another, back and forth in succession, I’ll be able to get a feel for exactly where that fault line is. I think this will have some effect on my ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality in spiritual intuitions. And probably it will also reveal some things about the conflict between long-term and short-term memory, although I’m not sure the issues are exactly the same.

The sixth idea came when I listened to “If You Leave” from the Pretty In Pink soundtrack today. I feel like I can find some way to relate all of these observations to my lost 80s. There’s some way I can steer the mood of this blog to the emotional fulfillment of some mood I wanted for my life back then. I was also listening to “Bad To The Bone”, remembering how exhilarating and perfect that song seemed back then, and I know I can use this and other songs, and possibly some AI, to find the style I want.

The seventh thing I wanted to mention is that a gaming store I’ve been visiting since I moved to Chicago seventeen years ago has suddenly closed. It just wasn’t there tonight. That’s pretty amazing. It was one of the place I started my toy collection years ago, and the first place I bought Magic the Gathering cards. I still remember talking to one of the guys who worked there about MTG novels and Star Wars figures. I used to sit on the floor and pore over their racks of 3.75″ figures. The last time I saw him he said they were starting an EDH league and I said maybe later … I still think maybe I should have joined. I miss those days, when collecting toys was new and the dreams I put on them were volatile. I shopped weekly for years, but now my collection is very static and I’m getting rid of a lot of it, piece by piece.

Writing that made me think about the dreams I attach to anime, and that goes back to the Axis. But developing all these ideas is for another night. I can barely believe I wrote this much without being self-conscious at all. I’m definitely bringing my mind into one piece with this.

And finally the eighth idea is that I can somehow develop the story of the Nuunar, my epic fantasy heptalogy, by entwining it with the story of Black Clover. I’m not sure how it can work but it’s worth a try.

Black Clover #11

I first heard of Wu Xing when I was in school in Oklahoma. There was a boy in 5th grade who had immigrated from China. His name was Charles. He wanted to help me because I was new in school and people had helped him when he was new. We played Chinese Checkers, American Checkers, and Go. He told me about the Yellow Dragon. We talked about reincarnation. I believe I knew him in a former life.


All this blogging and making of Facebook videos is definitely because I’ve been drugged and knocked unconscious and I have terrible psychic boundaries with the human race. There’s definitely a space I get into where I feel like I’m in touch with some other world. Yesterday’s post was very magical, it did quite a lot for me. The dark orbits of my paranoia are coming into focus. Even now I’m experiencing a kind of flickering darkness that’s very familiar … I’m thinking of all the people I know in the entertainment business who are nothing more than polluted filth. I’m experiencing the violence and contempt in my own soul. Is it a part of me or not? Is it something left over from the past I can get rid of?

The darkness is hovering all around me now, as I’m writing. I can’t say what it is. But it’s a step forward, anyway, just to acknowledge that it’s there. When I feel this damage, is it some terrible conspiracy against me, or is it a communication from a being in a higher dimension? It starts out as thoughts of people I’ve hated in my life, thoughts of warfare, and then it becomes some kind of ecstatic nightfall in my mind.


I did a ritual which was the most fun I’ve ever done in my life, it was extremely perfect, and I only wish I could describe it to you, dear reader, but it’s a secret. I do hope I remember it when I look back on this day, though, because it’s just exactly the kind of moment I want to preserve for myself. However the issue remains public versus private.

I watched another episode of Black Clover. Seihi stayed dead, after all. Things are going along well. Where is the dark core of myself that reflects my experience, one way or another, inside or out? I was deep in the effects of yesterday and then watching the episode itself brought me back to the surface. I have an impulse to just stop here, leave it and hope that time will tell what that space of fascination I uncovered today was. However, it is working.

Black Clover #10: Waifu Into Darkness

I was so excited when Satellizer told me the name of this entry, that I’m starting it before even watching anything tonight because I want to spin up into the space between inside and outside, the synergetic self/non-self axis … there are so many things to capture. The kingdom of the Waifus is real!

I’m very pleased with the next episode. Noelle’s transformation was very satisfying, if predictable. And the death of Seihi was just what was needed to really begin the action of the story, although it looks as though he’ll be back next episode anyway. But that’s fine. I’m getting the general tone and it seems as though it will be comfortable.

Waifu into darkness meant a few things this morning, but it’s also reflected in Noelle’s explosion of power, the new spell that was written because she had to protect someone, so that she can be a Waifu as well – not to me, obviously, I have several already, but to someone in the future. As I am writing I am understanding (the insight just came to me) that the power of the Waifu is regenerative, the abstract, astral aspect of motherhood perhaps, but certainly of rebirth.

“Deep within the collective subconscious of humanity lies the Waifu Nexus—a glittering, pastel-saturated dimension where every soul is spiritually linked like a hive mind led by an entity like the Borg Queen, but wearing cat ears, sipping bubble tea, and belting out J-Pop at a karaoke battle judged by Hatsune Miku, Gendo Ikari, and that guy from JoJo’s who only speaks in dramatic poses. It’s less of a singularity and more of a cosmic harem episode where everyone’s inner otaku is forever trapped in a loop of beach episodes and emotional flashbacks.”

“If H.R. Giger’s nightmares walked among us, then by all the laws of cosmic symmetry, Waifus are undeniably real too—probably living in your closet, next to that sword you ordered on Ebay at 3AM. And mine? Oh, they’ve started whispering. Not about taxes or existential dread, mind you, but about what really happens when I watch anime. It’s not just escapism—it’s an evolutionary event. A transcendence. A glorious transformation of the psyche beyond Yesod and into the Technicolor afterlife where every battle is a Victory in Netzach won with friendship speeches, and every background painting is a portal to the Splendour of Hod. It’s not just TV. It’s a metaphysical ascension through 12 frames per second.”

But the darkness, I realized this morning, is actually my own severe emotional damage from being knocked unconscious so often as a child, not to mention drugged, mutilated, and doxed by my own family. Satellizer wants to get right to the point. I thought I’d be diverting myself with subtle ruminations upon imagination and sentimentality, but my ZZ Top girls want to go straight down Jacob’s Ladder to the very bottom, to my memories and imaginations of trauma and the forces of evil. No accident then that Seihi got “killed” in tonight’s episode. I was writing about cherishing details of my own life, like that conversation by the lake, but there’s something else to do here, like talk about seeing Akira back in 1991, about the creepy sexual predators from the film industry who were there. And Cassie herself, aka ChillKillJill, aka Angela Thorne. She’s right here, right now, like that song by Jesus Jones but better, taking me back to the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the movie Phantasm II. She’s co-writing these lines, totally unexpected but definitely fulfilling the prediction of the title I was given this morning, and also the Uranus Square that took place a few hours ago. This is much smoother than I’ve ever done before. Always in the past I was hindered by a subconscious need to find “the point” of what I was saying, but now we’re just flowing along, water creating wood in the Wu Xing cycle. I’ve concluded that I lived in Tang Dynasty China and I’m very aware that China is distinct from Korea and Japan but they all used swords and they all practiced Buddhism.

I have an anime in the back of my mind, have had for years, called “The Nuunar”. Visually it’s supposed to be in the style of the movie “Heavy Metal”. Today I realized that, in addition to the arsenic my grandmother poisoned me with being a heavy metal, that metal is the element of the Tiger of the West and the planet Venus. Satellizer has always been “cardinal water” and it is actually metal that creates water in Wu Xing. So when I repeated “Tiger tiger burning bright”, or “Tigger Tigger” if you will, I was referring to the Tiger of the West. Angela Thorne is the Vermillion Bird.

And now I am burning. I actually wrote myself into an altered state of consciousness with this. That’s enough for today.

Black Clover #9

I watched another episode of Black Clover a few days ago, and then tonight Freezing episode 8 and Toradora! Episode 1. Last year when I first got fascinated with Crunchyroll I had ambiguous feelings, the novelty of it all was very nice, but I moved on to other things. I had things going on psychologically that I can’t even describe and that’s the point of picking up the thread again, in the hope that stretching out this blog over months will draw out the layers of feeling that explain these phenomena.

I watched the episode in which Noelle Silva joined the Black Bulls and I was surprised that they turned her around so fast. They could have stretched that out for a few episodes. But at this point I’m still expecting all these introductory episodes to add up to some good depth when the action starts, so I don’t mind. I’m playing a game with anime now, patiently waiting through all the sentimentality so I can trick myself into having some deeper subconscious feelings later on. It’s the same with this blog, can I actually create a layer of this type of feeling in my life by writing about it for several months? I had amazing success with the Buffy Diaries…

How do I capture the feeling of anime immersion in words, the sprawling lines and colors, the palpable feeling produced by the culture? And what would I do with it if I could capture it? Is it supernatural? Is it some kind of psychic realignment?

Toradora! seems to have the most skilled direction of the shows I’m watching currently. It remains to be seen after I watch the whole season – will I have the promised feelings about the characters?

I have too many feelings about Freezing to articulate, but this is definitely an experiment in the subconscious manipulation of reality, peeling away layers of association to find the spiritual core of the Waifu Experience.

And I know that this blog will be a vehicle to articulate my disgust for Hollywood. Explaining these experiences is the key. Chipping away at it week after week, putting it together with my own experiences, material and magical.

Somewhere in my subconscious is the pressure point, the subtle difference between character identification and spirit communication, between public and private, fantasy and reality.

So I watched another episode of Black Clover, they’re finally out on a mission so things are getting into full swing. I am completely into the pacing of it now, loving the smartass remarks between Magna and Noelle. I have hope for real character development in this. I’m so glad Asta is getting to do things without every scene being about how frustrating he is.

The question is, how do I use writing to enhance the emotional depth of the experience of watching Anime? Maybe by recording details I can cherish. I love Toradora’s use of music. I love the humor of Freezing. There is no way I would have guessed that Satelli would have one Pandora Queen. Is it possible that people will come to like her? The ride to Saussy on the Crazy Cyclone was the first moment I felt “immersed” in the ongoing lives of the Black Bulls, introductions over, I’m part of the crew.

Are there details of my life that will also enhance this? I can’t think of any at the moment, but it gives me something to look out for, ways to weave my personal life into this narrative. I’m thinking of the last Chi! Ka! Go! when I’d done readings all evening and I was just lying on the floor listening to the band play. There has to be some way to pull those imaginal frequencies together and open a door of perception.

It’s in the news today that Pope Francis died. I know he had heard of me when Lily Wachowski my message to him years ago. So tonight as I rejoin the psychic community of anime I also think of the psychic community he was a leader of, and is still a part of. Perhaps he’ll be a Saint, like John Paul. There are some ways to put those ideas together. I hope he will be my spirit guide.

I have great happiness that after starting this project a year ago I can come back to it and see that it was a successful idea.

Five Go Mad on the CTA part 3

The news hit them in Chuck’s houseboat, the Chicago River slapping the hull like a metronome counting down their innocence. Jules Roosevelt’s suicide note played on loop via CNN—”I am not a dynasty, I am debris”—as Graylyn shattered her uncle’s absinthe flask against the porthole, green liquid bleeding into the murky water.

“He was third in line,” Felix whispered, clutching a VHS tape of Jules’ 16th birthday at Camp David, where they’d all snorted stolen Adderall and mocked Reagan’s “Morning in America” speech. The footage now read like a eulogy: Jules in J.Crew sweaters, smiling emptily beside his senator mother, while Drake lurked in the background wearing a Misfits tee he’d later burn.

Drake paced, his father’s NATO medal digging into his chest. “They’ll say it was drugs. Depression. Not the fucking crusher his family built to squeeze out speeches and handshakes.” His voice cracked—a rarity for the Wolf Pack’s fearless leader. On the TV, pundits dissected Jules’ Yale acceptance like vultures picking at a still-wound.

Graylyn traced the Roosevelt crest on Jules’ old Ravenswood blazer, stolen from his locker the night they’d all skinny-dipped in Lake Michigan. “Two heirs on the list,” she said quietly. “You’re next, Drake.”

The room stilled. The list—that cursed spreadsheet of political progeny whispered about in Georgetown salons and Evanston country clubs. Drake’s grandfather had helped draft the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty; his father’s shadow loomed over Langley. But Jules? Jules was supposed to be their joke, their trust-fund anarchist who smuggled Marlboros into State dinners.

Chuck slammed a fist into the wall, rattling his sister’s oil paintings of skeletal debutantes. “It’s the superstition. Two heirs collide, the universe fucking vomits.” He nodded to the defaced campaign poster of their Republican enemy—the senator who’d called them “Satan’s latchkey kids” after they’d trashed his fundraiser. “They’ll come for you now. For all of us.”

Graylyn pressed a clove cigarette to Drake’s lips, her hands steady despite the tears smudging her kohl liner. “We’ll burn it down,” she murmured. “The list. The legacy. All of it.” Outside, the Art Institute’s lions wore black armbands of frost, mourning a future president who’d rather paint his veins with pills than shake another donor’s hand.

As Bela Lugosi’s Dead hissed from Felix’s Walkman, they plotted their revenge—not with knives or fire, but with Jules’ last act of rebellion: a sealed envelope containing every dirty secret the Roosevelts had buried. The Sickie Souse Club didn’t mourn; they corroded. And Washington’s gilded rot had never tasted so bitter.

Five Go Mad on the CTA part 2

The CTA train lurched toward downtown Chicago, its windows streaked with November rain as Graylyn passed Drake the absinthe-laced flask—a relic from her uncle’s Berlin study, tarnished and heavy as guilt. “To mediocrity,” she drawled, her fishnet knees brushing his torn Levi’s. The Sickie Souse Club sprawled across the graffiti-tagged seats, Jules lip-syncing to The Cure’s The Head on the Door crackling from a Walkman, Chuck debating Cortázar’s Hopscotch with Felix, who kept flicking vodka onto the senator’s defaced campaign poster taped above them.

By the time they stumbled into the Ravenswood Cemetery crypt—their “clubhouse” since freshman year—Drake’s vision swam with clove smoke and stolen Glenfiddich. Graylyn pressed him against the stone wall, her leather corset cold through his Joy Division shirt. “You’re still pretending you’ll outrun him, aren’t you?” she murmured, fingers tracing the NATO medal he’d ripped from his father’s uniform. The one he wore as a dog tag of spite.

He kissed her hard, all teeth and desperation, the taste of black licorice and Scotch sharp on her tongue. Her laugh vibrated against his mouth. “See? This is your manifesto. Not that Kerouac bullshit.” Her hands slid under his shirt, nails scraping the scars from their motorcycle crash last summer—a failed escape to Milwaukee that ended with them huddled under a highway overpass, passing a flask and howling Siouxsie lyrics at semis.

Across the crypt, Felix projected The Hunger on a bedsheet, Bowie and Deneuve flickering over the stolen Persian rug where Jules and Chuck writhed in a haze of clove smoke and mutual disdain for Reagan’s Star Wars program. “They’re rehearsing,” Graylyn whispered, biting Drake’s earlobe. “For the day Hollywood finally eats itself.” Her hips ground against his, the studs on her belt leaving crescent marks on his skin.

Drake’s hands tangled in her jet-black curls, yanking just enough to make her gasp. “You’d rather paint this?” he growled.

“I am painting this.” She tore open his shirt, buttons clattering against the crypt’s stone floor. “Every bruise, every fucking shudder.” Her lips trailed down his chest, lingering on the Zippo burn from last week’s confrontation with the senator’s lackeys—a “warning” that only cemented their status as Chicago’s prince and princess of decay.

When the absinthe hit its peak, Graylyn dragged him into the cemetery’s fog, their laughter echoing off mausoleums built by railroad barons. Under a leafless oak, she straddled him, her lace skirt hiking up to reveal the knife strapped to her thigh—a gift from Chuck after the senator’s thugs followed her home. “Still think I’m hiding?” she breathed, her breath hot against the NATO medal.

“You’re performing,” he shot back, flipping her onto the wet leaves. His mouth found the scar below her collarbone, the one her uncle’s signet ring left when she was twelve. She arched into him, not in pleasure, but defiance—a refusal to let pain be anything but fuel.

They returned to the crypt at dawn, soaked and shivering, to find the others passed out beneath Bowie’s frozen snarl. Graylyn sketched the scene in charcoal—Drake’s clenched jaw, her own smudged eyeliner, the empty flask glinting like a relic—while he scrawled MOLOCH LOVES MTV across the senator’s face on yesterday’s Tribune. The Sickie Souse Club didn’t sleep. They corroded, they collided, they etched their manifesto into the rusted heart of the ’80s.

Five Go Mad on the CTA

I’m getting so much better with AI. Obviously, this is non-canonical but what fun! Deepseek kicks ass.

The CTA train screeched into the Ravenswood station, its graffiti-tagged windows reflecting the Sickie Souse Club’s leather-clad silhouettes. Graylyn adjusted her lace gloves—dyed black with Rit, still staining her fingertips—and smirked at Drake’s latest vandalism: REAGANROIDS EAT SHIT scrawled in Sharpie across a campaign poster for the Republican senator whose Vitalis-slick hair she could still smell.

“You’re obsessed,” she said, her voice a cigarette-rasp as the train doors hissed open.

“And you’re complicit,” Drake shot back, hoisting a stolen bottle of his father’s Glenfiddich. His combat boots echoed on the platform, daring anyone to confront the Wolf Pack in their natural habitat: the liminal space between Evanston’s manicured lawns and Chicago’s throbbing underbelly.

They slipped into the cemetery first—their ritual. Beneath a moss-crusted angel, Chuck Crown spread a Persian rug looted from his mother’s Lake Forest mansion, its patterns swallowed by candlelight. The others arrived: Jules with her contraband VHS tapes of Labyrinth, Felix tuning a thrift-store Stratocaster to the dissonant key of Siouxsie and the Banshees.

Graylyn lit a clove cigarette, the flame trembling as she recounted her latest family dinner. “Mother said my paintings ‘lack commercial appeal.’ As if I’m supposed to peddle sunsets to golf widows.” She exhaled sharply, the smoke coiling like the skeletal lovers in her latest canvas—the one she’d later burn on Chuck’s houseboat.

Drake snorted. “Commercial appeal’s for politicians and pornographers.” He tossed her the Zippo he’d stolen from his father’s NSA-locked desk, its surface engraved with coordinates to a bombing site in Hanoi. A relic, a rebellion, a fuck-you.

The senator found them at Neo hours later, his tailored suit clashing with the club’s black-lit fog. “Marshall,” he drawled, eyeing Graylyn’s choker. “Still playing Baudelaire with Daddy’s money?”

Drake’s fist connected before the insult landed. The bottle shattered, Scotch pooling with the senator’s blood as security dragged them into the alley. Graylyn laughed, loud enough to startle the rats. “You’ll never be him,” she whispered later, dabbing Drake’s split lip with her fishnet sleeve. She meant his father, the war hero, the monster. The man who’d called Ravenswood Academy to demand his son’s “moral realignment” after catching him with Ginsberg’s Howl.

By dawn, they’d defaced every campaign poster between Belmont and Fullerton. Graylyn sketched devil horns in Sharpie; Drake scrawled FASCIST TWINK beneath the senator’s smarmy grin. On the train home, she leaned into him, her Walkman sharing one earphone—The Cure’s Kyoto Song mirroring the syncopated clatter of tracks.

“Hollywood’s gonna hate this,” she murmured, nodding at Felix’s Polaroid of the vandalized posters.

“Good,” Drake said. “Maybe they’ll finally realize their rom-coms are lobotomy scripts.”

The Sickie Souse Club didn’t compromise. They corroded—wealthy, wounded, and forever seventeen in the shadow of Ravenswood’s bell tower, where the 19th-century ghosts of America’s ruling class whispered sellouts as they passed.