cold fusion is a truly magical writing in that the name and meaning of the name came or come from a magical vision, a vision i share with the spirit i sometimes call steffany and other times know as jody.

it is difficult for me to write because i don’t care what people think.  i wonder who i’m communicating with. to illustrate my point, let me say that i’m a great fan of the motivational writer stephen covey.  i try to lead my life by his principles.  however i’ve always been unable to perform one of the exercises he recommends, and that is to imagine my own funeral and what people would say there.  i can’t imagine my own funeral because i don’t care.  i can’t think of one person’s opinion i’m worried about.  you can all go to hell for all i care.

of course i say this as a true believer in the afterlife and spirit communication.  this seems to be my problem, that i am so totally concerned with the afterlife and getting back to it that i can’t bring myself to care about what happens here in the world.  let it all burn down, it doesn’t matter a bit.

and so it’s difficult to write because i can’t visualize a reader.  it’s not that i don’t care what my friends might think of what i write.  i just can’t visualize a generic “human being” to write for.  i can’t invest emotional energy in an audience.  i wouldn’t trust it if i could.

i have performed dance, music, and theater before and over the years i came to care less and less what audiences thought, i came to trust their praise less and less — or rather my opinion of humanity in general fell so far that popular acclaim became largely meaningless.  after all these are the same crowd who accept christianity, islam, judaism.  these are the same people who voted for george w. bush and the iraq war.

ordinary people are not cool.  just being a person is not a wonderful thing, no matter how well-meaning you are.  i guess i view humanity in general as a failed enterprise and though i wish all the best for the souls that animate these incarnations, i don’t want to live among them.

so let’s call this the world’s longest suicide note, shall we?  i’m wishing myself out of existence, and this is my long goodbye.