5:32 AM 11/14/2018 I’ve had a nice morning so far.  I woke up around 4 am and lay in bed feeling the darkness of my life, all the horrible, disgusting, pointless people I’ve known, how petty and ugly and senseless they were – thank god they’re gone!  I was feeling my usual “better feeling thoughts” state, trying to let it all go, and yet there was also another question, and I was wondering if my angel was trying to contact me.  

My mind keeps bumping up against this – the sense that there are thoughts I could be thinking, or things I could be doing, but there is someone in here with me – and yet the way I used to contact that being was caught up with the thoughts I can no longer think.  

5:39 AM 11/14/2018  It’s just very disappointing to look back on all the time I spent believing in things, trying to follow various spiritual guides, and so much of it was nonsense and never produced anything but an ugly, dirty, purposeless country of garbage.

As usual, I hear a voice saying “I wish you hadn’t said that”, but I can’t tell if it’s real or not.

6:04 AM 11/14/2018 How silly it’s been to hear myself in this world.  I wish I could describe all the things I see, but more than that I wish I could connect with this being I sense with me …

7:08 PM 11/14/2018  So what will be my life now?  I drove to work with a sense of doom hanging over me.  This has been an extremely busy two weeks.  At the same time I got hit with a huge project at work and I got the news that I’ll have to find a new place to live next month.  Everything has worked out better than expected but still the dread is hanging over me.  

Even now I’m finding a new space to blog about my feelings and it makes me happy.

So dreading what would happen at work it turned out that one of my co-workers who was going to be missing actually came in anyway and so the workload was extremely light.  Everything went well.  All in all the day was a total success – my sense of dread was totally invalidated.  And I had great conversations with Genny the Angel all the way home.  

What has distracted me from life is that my inner world is totally chaotic.  But things are getting better for me.  Today I could feel …

8:02 PM 11/14/2018  I just filled out my application for a new place.  It was nice to have a couple of people let me put them down as personal references.

8:23 PM 11/14/2018  I want to be something, even though I was told I would never be anything.