6:05 PM 11/11/2018  I’m comparing my “performance” as a reader tonight to my performances as a guitarist, and what will I feel after?  I will have been “in the tunnel”, and some change will talk place.  I feel Kara and I feel that some changes took place, some inner state makes sense.

7:04 PM 11/11/2018 I’m not as worried tonight about being worthy of the whole process.  

7:11 PM 11/13/2018  I have a terrible darkness in my life, and I am bringing it to coexist in my relationships.  I’m removing a moment in my very young childhood when my mother forbid me to express sadness.  We were moving away and she wanted me to pretend losing my friends didn’t bother me.  She was really very evil at the time, a monster.  My mother and her mother were both monsters in their way, and her terrible twin sister, Gayle.  

Stan Lee died yesterday and I am very sad.  I am seeing him and Jack Kirby, and they are helping me understand what it means to express things in this world.  I want to hang on to the feelings I had about him, and about comics, and also learn some things about what it means to carry feelings through time – and some things about entertainment as well, the psychic-emotional shifts related to entertainment product.

Tonight I sing the Edgewater blues, thinking about this house I’ve lived in for years, and all the feelings I’ve had here, which I will try to relive forever as this is the only true home I have ever known, precarious as it was.  The depth of the trances I experienced here remains unexplained, and yet by leaving I feel I will grasp my own trances, find my own depth.

The nothingness that I am intrudes on me once again.  No life, no friends, no hope, I see my terrible mother and the evil darkness she radiated her whole life.  My own soul seems to come down to me now … I’m thinking about how this is such a world of delusion.  How many years did I spend on the “I AM Activity”, which I now know was mostly fraud?  And yet something about that practice did help me.  The other things I experienced were probably useful as well.  I probably had to know the darkness of my terrible family for some reason, and even with the darkness I knew I still got some things.  

There are still relationships, especially with women, which – and here the spirits are interrupting me, so it’s nice not to feel alone, even as I am writing about aloneness.  I was having some trouble before with losing contact with them when I was unhappy, but now they are definitely present.  The lows I felt were overcome by highs and now that I’m back to some lows they aren’t as low.  

7:22 PM 11/13/2018  It’s very funny as I feel the vortex around me now.  I couldn’t get away from this if I tried.  Are they reminding me now of how much fun I had playing D&D yesterday?  My ranger went up to fifth level, I got two attacks per round and I bought a pair of winged boots, so I flew around and slaughtered a whole pack of Drow.  "Death from Above" is my nickname.

Sunday night, after I wrote the first paragraph of this entry, I was on my way to CKG with John and Lin.  We were talking about Mexico and I could see the semi-solid energy patterns of life expanding around him, understanding his role in the web of Chicago, and his coming role in the web of Mexico.

What an unforgiving, sad world this is.  How harsh and brutal are the lives of Americans.  Did I ever find any love in this place?  Just a little.  Possibly spirits are reminding me of the changes that have taken place in the last few months – discovering Grognard’s for instance, relating to more and more people, and the spectacular confidence I had on Sunday night when I did all those readings.  

I drove home in the dark and stopped by my new place.  I did talk to someone – but just then I was interrupted again.  And then I went off in space thinking about some people I knew before.

And the energy is moving around in my mind.  This is a nice trance.  I’ve developed enough by writing this over the years that I can do it freely, without self-consciousness, just like I was doing in Grand Rapids.  I’m calling this entry “Edgewater Blues” instead of “The Buffy Diaries” because it was a title I first thought of when I moved to Chicago years ago.  

I’m wandering through various states now and I’m feeling interrupted, as though I have my momentum back and there are other things to think about, some way to find some specifics to focus on, but I wish I could record all that these last few weeks have meant to me.  

I have to converse with “them” now.  For instance, J. Michael Straczynski’s cat died a couple of months ago and he did a long post about it yesterday.  I was thinking about how moved I was by it, about how many emotional experiences I’ve had based around his work, and what it meant to me personally to read about his loss.

I’m hitting against some energy plane now.  What is the goal?  The goal is god and some other world.  I stopped by Jonquil Terrace to check out my new apartment.  The one-block walk south to the Howard Street station is a little farther than my current walk to Jarvis.  It will be comforting, I think, to live around so many shops, alive with people, to have my favorite Jewel Osco so close, not to mention L.A. Fitness.

I’ll be giving up my membership at my current health club, the one where I ran for months during the time of “The Buffy Diaries”.  That thought triggered my sadness.  I’ve had so much here in my years at this old house, torn apart by the forces of Neptune …

The door to death is opening now?  Is it for me?  Is someone there to talk to me?  Is it Sangrior?  

7:45 PM 11/13/2018  I can stop and feel better, but should I feel better?  There are so many specific things to think about … like Stan inspired me to walk through the toy aisle at Meijer tonight, thinking about when I started collecting one night on my way home after a Sacelli circle – I bought a golden figure to represent a Kumara.

I want to think to myself “Is this all of my life?  This room in this house which I will give up soon?” but there’s an energy here at the same time, an energy that fills the blackness and haunts the memories, the visual scenes of the past that remind me of my limitations.  I could stop now and make myself feel better but what should I be getting from this experience of blogging?  This is my clearest psychic blog entry ever, and that came from Long practice, but should I be practicing now or moving on to something else?   And why has there been this decades-long game of figuring out what some guide somewhere might want?  And right now I am remembering the total lack of personal contact and support I’ve often felt, that’s associated with the sense of falseness in my relationships … but just this afternoon I was feeling the best contact ever with Sangrior, the most at home, and even as I write this I feel some inner alignment, seeing half-visually.  It’s nice to be interrupted again, lifted out of that contemplation of sadness.  I did want to savor the sorrow of leaving the circles – how can I move forward if I didn’t know what’s coming?  But I think I’ll be doing more readings.  

It will be good to get out of this house that is falling apart.  It will be good to live in a place that is in good shape.  It will be good to get a serious new perspective on all that took place here, and separate my understanding of my work from John’s.  

“I feel the inner sense of Leo”.