Monthly Archives: November 2016

Eric the Red, Chris, and Tony the Tiger

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A new flash today of [E] and [C] being brother and sister, and the three of them inviting me to be a part of their X-Men fantasy.  Reading the X-Men Omnibus is flashing me back on those days of emotional involvement with fantasies of groups.  I had the idea of an occluded history with those three, that they were soul mates, that [E] was actually the leader, the reincarnation of Ian Fleming.  He had to hide his incestuous relationship with [C] and that was why he had to commit suicide.

Then as the day went on I was “escorting” the inventory team and thinking about how dark and small my life has really been, but now it’s changing, it’s like an acceleration down the tunnel.  I’m getting closer to reality — closer to emotional reality with this collapsing of certain dream layers and localization in the self.  I wish I could remember all the details.  I was having so many as I ran just now.  It does seem much more possible that there are people in another world waiting for me.  And I was allowing the energies to pass through the structures of my past, my experiences of having to assimilate to middle America, to their beliefs about time and responsibility.  I feel much better now knowing I can escape completely and they were always wrong, anyway.

In the fantasy those three were helping me under the guidance of the Angelic kingdom.  Just as I wrote that I got flooded with energy and had to stop.  Then I came back after I formed the intention to use the energy on behalf of myself, and realized that the general effect of this set of fantasies is to restore my involvement with linear time, and my ability to perceive that these relations and experiences are in the past.

Even though it feels like a semi-solid darkness spreading out through all of my dream-life, bringing me “down” into blackness, I believe this is the solidity of personality I’ve needed, even the “grounding” I’ve heard so much about.  I’ll be able to separate from other people now and so have constructive relationships.  I’ll probably be able to perceive inner worlds as well.

Especially during the run I just finished I was shifting my awareness to the knowledge that the dominant paradigm of America was never real, and there are people waiting for me somewhere.  My angels seem clearer than ever.  This new, X-Men version of [E], [T], and [C] is symbolic.  Could they be [C], [J], and [A] again?  I don’t know.

 

 

Like an American II

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A crazy day of disruptions, going with the Venus/Uranus square.  Some auditors are at work for the week, and I have to escort them.  But I did get my fillings, and I did wander around the mall for the first time since my Thanksgiving weekend.  It was very big.  My delusions seem to be collapsing somewhat, the imaginary anger against Case is going away.  I had flashbacks today or yesterday to E. and C. and T., as if we were really friends.  Something about the memory issue and angels.  The darkness is coalescing into one.

I thought a lot about Scarlet Johansson and Black Widow, and the wedding scene from the upcoming Captain America movie which I wrote or imagined talking to E. about.  As I write this I see E. in my mind’s eye.  I am getting the distance I want from these issues.  I am also latching on to these scenes now, I’m going to blog about all of them.  I suppose this can be used for the Nuunar.

Before I go to bed now I just want to try to recapture the emotional journey I’ve been on today.  The darkness is coalescing, I’m getting a better perspective.  I’m seeing a lot more in detail about how [the usual] lied, were really malevolent and hateful when I was young.  But I’m also feeling that a lot of the darkness is over, that I’m finally getting out of a lot of the problems.  Perhaps some of it was triggered by reading Giant Size X-Men #1.  I think I read that in high school and then maybe got whacked on the head.  This false memory thing may be getting resolved.  I seem better able to focus on present relationships.  The dark paralysis is getting resolved.  Of course this is associated with Catherine.

But what I wanted to capture was the emotion of the wedding scene.  I wanted to try to address the pull of it, as I started by playing “American” four times or more at Target on the way home from King Spa.  I became entranced by the sentimental beauty of the various characters acting out their roles.  How can I depict that or capture it?  I could put it in the Nuunar.  But at the very least I’ve marked it and made a hard reference to an inner dream.  There are others I could try to mark as well.

I also think of blogging about imaginary romances with Natalie Portman and Angelina Jolie.  There were several possibilities that pushed in on me as I wrote that.  “Since Ange and Me Are Innocent” as a title – suggesting that to E. at Transreelization I – Angie zooming out of nowhere in a Ferrari.

As I walked around the mall I had more ferocious contempt for Case, more bureaucratic maneuvering as “they” tried to disqualify me or dismiss me from some hierarchical office.  I hate everything about their way of life.  Everything they stood for.

Driving home from the library in the rain I thought of being hated back in WWII.  A shiver runs through me, this is too much to write about now.  I’m going to try to read another issue of X-Men before bed.

 

 

 

Like an American

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It’s the end of Thanksgiving weekend.  I spent 23 hours at King Spa and it was awesome.  On the way home I stopped at Target and I was playing Lana Del Rey’s “American” on my iPod over and over, imagining Captain America from the MCU getting married to this song.  Black Widow would be getting teary-eyed, dancing with Hawkeye.  I was suggesting that they could have Hawkeye’s wife tell him to dance with her, and when he tapped her on the shoulder she could look a little startled, like she was getting all dreamy, waiting for the love of her life.  Pepper and Stark would dance together.  I was imagining that back when I met E.S. I was telling him about this idea, that it would be good to have Storm and Wolverine, Rogue and Colossus together.  I was getting hit with the emotions and I wonder if this was Catherine injecting force into my astral dream.  It felt forceful, anyway and I determined to put it on my blog so here I am.

What a synchronicity that I find the last time I wrote on this blog was the 4th of July, and I was concerned with romance then, too, reading “Bridges of Madison County” and as I recall watching “Love Story”.  I wrote a description of channeling in there that was pretty good and I can use it for the Nuunar, which is good encouragement to keep blogging.

And this evening I went to B.A.’s to record our weekly video and I found myself talking about the astral plane with him, and telling him about this scene I had envisioned.  This is a good step toward actually writing fiction, which Catherine seems intent that I do.  And while I was talking to B. I was going into a deep channeling experience again.  I could tell the spirits were there with us and they’re going to be again.