A crazy day of disruptions, going with the Venus/Uranus square.  Some auditors are at work for the week, and I have to escort them.  But I did get my fillings, and I did wander around the mall for the first time since my Thanksgiving weekend.  It was very big.  My delusions seem to be collapsing somewhat, the imaginary anger against Case is going away.  I had flashbacks today or yesterday to E. and C. and T., as if we were really friends.  Something about the memory issue and angels.  The darkness is coalescing into one.

I thought a lot about Scarlet Johansson and Black Widow, and the wedding scene from the upcoming Captain America movie which I wrote or imagined talking to E. about.  As I write this I see E. in my mind’s eye.  I am getting the distance I want from these issues.  I am also latching on to these scenes now, I’m going to blog about all of them.  I suppose this can be used for the Nuunar.

Before I go to bed now I just want to try to recapture the emotional journey I’ve been on today.  The darkness is coalescing, I’m getting a better perspective.  I’m seeing a lot more in detail about how [the usual] lied, were really malevolent and hateful when I was young.  But I’m also feeling that a lot of the darkness is over, that I’m finally getting out of a lot of the problems.  Perhaps some of it was triggered by reading Giant Size X-Men #1.  I think I read that in high school and then maybe got whacked on the head.  This false memory thing may be getting resolved.  I seem better able to focus on present relationships.  The dark paralysis is getting resolved.  Of course this is associated with Catherine.

But what I wanted to capture was the emotion of the wedding scene.  I wanted to try to address the pull of it, as I started by playing “American” four times or more at Target on the way home from King Spa.  I became entranced by the sentimental beauty of the various characters acting out their roles.  How can I depict that or capture it?  I could put it in the Nuunar.  But at the very least I’ve marked it and made a hard reference to an inner dream.  There are others I could try to mark as well.

I also think of blogging about imaginary romances with Natalie Portman and Angelina Jolie.  There were several possibilities that pushed in on me as I wrote that.  “Since Ange and Me Are Innocent” as a title – suggesting that to E. at Transreelization I – Angie zooming out of nowhere in a Ferrari.

As I walked around the mall I had more ferocious contempt for Case, more bureaucratic maneuvering as “they” tried to disqualify me or dismiss me from some hierarchical office.  I hate everything about their way of life.  Everything they stood for.

Driving home from the library in the rain I thought of being hated back in WWII.  A shiver runs through me, this is too much to write about now.  I’m going to try to read another issue of X-Men before bed.