A new flash today of [E] and [C] being brother and sister, and the three of them inviting me to be a part of their X-Men fantasy. Reading the X-Men Omnibus is flashing me back on those days of emotional involvement with fantasies of groups. I had the idea of an occluded history with those three, that they were soul mates, that [E] was actually the leader, the reincarnation of Ian Fleming. He had to hide his incestuous relationship with [C] and that was why he had to commit suicide.
Then as the day went on I was “escorting” the inventory team and thinking about how dark and small my life has really been, but now it’s changing, it’s like an acceleration down the tunnel. I’m getting closer to reality — closer to emotional reality with this collapsing of certain dream layers and localization in the self. I wish I could remember all the details. I was having so many as I ran just now. It does seem much more possible that there are people in another world waiting for me. And I was allowing the energies to pass through the structures of my past, my experiences of having to assimilate to middle America, to their beliefs about time and responsibility. I feel much better now knowing I can escape completely and they were always wrong, anyway.
In the fantasy those three were helping me under the guidance of the Angelic kingdom. Just as I wrote that I got flooded with energy and had to stop. Then I came back after I formed the intention to use the energy on behalf of myself, and realized that the general effect of this set of fantasies is to restore my involvement with linear time, and my ability to perceive that these relations and experiences are in the past.
Even though it feels like a semi-solid darkness spreading out through all of my dream-life, bringing me “down” into blackness, I believe this is the solidity of personality I’ve needed, even the “grounding” I’ve heard so much about. I’ll be able to separate from other people now and so have constructive relationships. I’ll probably be able to perceive inner worlds as well.
Especially during the run I just finished I was shifting my awareness to the knowledge that the dominant paradigm of America was never real, and there are people waiting for me somewhere. My angels seem clearer than ever. This new, X-Men version of [E], [T], and [C] is symbolic. Could they be [C], [J], and [A] again? I don’t know.
