Monthly Archives: January 2017

Monday

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Woke up weighing 242 pounds, but not too worried.  Read Grand Morrison’s ‘Happy’.  It was OK, not earth-shattering, but it had some resonance for me.  Then I went to run.  I have a lot good going on, I’m getting a handle on life.  I’m going to try to get some specifics down in OneNote about the mental states that are bothering me.  Carrie Fisher is definitely very real and being very helpful.

I have to figure out where to keep track of my thoughts.  Here I am at three in the afternoon, wondering how to move forward.

I went to Edgewater and had a gyro.  I was having an interesting sense of closure there in the restaurant, and I came up with the concept “the dark spot of self”.  At Graham Crackers I found some old Dixon “Birds of Prey” in the 50 cent boxes.  At Dice Dojo they were setting up for AD&D night — all the tables were pushed together.  I bought another deck box.  Carrie is bringing me up against the need to articulate exactly what happened.  One important thing is that I was going to try to recreate whatever it is that holds me in those places here at home, with fiction.

I came home and I was a little tired so I took a nap.  It’s now 9:40. Amy Winehouse came back for a little to show me what’s changed since the last time I saw her.  I sense a lot of potential for tonight.

I just looked at that and then I went into the “grinding”, the blanking from the right side of my face.  Something has changed though, there is a greater sense that there could be people with me, or I could find some people to relate to.

Carrie Fisher Redux

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I just got done with a dreaming circle and I had some ambiguities to resolve (I think).  I feel good that the presence of the spirit world is so powerful, but I am still going into a confused state where, even though I am struggling to shift my point of attraction into better-feeling, I am still having horrible anger at the stupidity of my life’s journey, the tediousness of occultism, and the emptiness of cocreation.  On the lighter side, Carrie Fisher was making her presence felt very powerfully.  She is really getting results for me and providing some kind of hard boundary for me to push against.  She’s a friend, and perhaps I knew her in former lives.

So now I’m feeling the blackness becoming something I can work with.  I doing sex magick on Fetlife this morning and I could feel the merging of money and sex energy within me.  I feel more free in this world than ever before and I can more readily identify the broken spot within me where individuality bleeds into these watery visions of the Nazi conspiracy and the world of art, and also the strange memories of the past.  There are lots of impressions of Natalie Portman, too, like a new model of a possible wife.

The spirit world is coming down clearly but there’s still a block, like it’s not my place to serve justice or stick up for justice.  Lots of dystopian fantasies about Paul Foster Case and dead bureaucracies.  Fisher is urging me to write, to address these things logically as they happen.  The question is, how do you aim for the best target, the highest good, when the waters are muddied by cocreation and the failures of the Western School?