The
nothingness is winding around itself again.
I’m struggling with the “root” issue … I have a heightened
state of awareness in which I feel halfway into another dimension, and I want
to talk to someone in that world, but part of me thinks that there’s no one
there to talk to.  But even as I’m
writing this information is flashing by my mind’s eye and the entire universe
seems to be changing.  

2/2/2021
1:20 AM I’m addressing some major issues tonight, I was looing at articles
about Marjorie Taylor-Greene and deciding whether I want that energy in my
life.  America is frightening but what
should I be doing to get my soul as far as possible?  

2/2/2021
1:57 AM Right now my focus is to “get something” for these
rituals.  I’ve accepted that I’m going to
have this job for another year before I get another raise and more time off.  It’s more work but more stability.  I’m having highs and lows.  Politics is more frightening, but the spirit
world is closer.  If I turn to the spirit
world, am I left defenseless in this horrifying world?  There’s nothing left in society to preserve
the values I once cared about.  I don’t
want to be in the war.  

I’m
seeing Harry Brant again, and he’s telling me he was on that famous phone call
that changed my life.  He’s helping me
visualize the life I want.  In life he
was the opposite of me, rich, glamorous, well-recognized.  He had everything I never have so he’s like a
mirror for me, an outer boundary.  One
thing he reminded me to do was play music while I work, not on headphones, but
on speakers so I have the right mood.
But tonight I’m not in that inverted, dreamy mood I was in a couple of
weeks ago.  Maybe it’s because the Moon
is in Libra, I don’t know.  However, I am
producing work.

I
had an important day yesterday.  The
Angel Picard appeared and I had a major back-and-forth with him.  I want to believe in him, but I doubt the
reality of guides in general.  This is so
difficult to express.  I’ve known so many
people with guides, and I believe they exist, but I’ve had to struggle so much
with the trivial guides of Hay House types, to find my place immune to their
pollution.  Politics is dismal now, this
world is hopelessly polluted …

So
the goal is Maximum Ride for the Tea Parties, which means focus on  … what?
What truly replenishes me?  I’ve
got to get away from the news and focus on my own perceptions.  There’s a shadow on Picard, he represents
failure as well as success.  Why can I
not now access the amazing perceptions I was having during the Virgo Moon?  Obviously, because it’s not the Virgo Moon
anymore.  That is some validation, that
the Moon signs this month went perfectly as expected, and were even more
pleasant than I’d expected because I was ready.
So here in this Libra moon I just accept that it’s time to work.  For the next year I’m just going to make
money and be bored, advancing in my own learning.  

Right
now I can feel the spirit presence, but I’m torn between worrying about the
future, and going off on a flight of fantasy.
Some force is driving me to make decisions, but it seems to go against
the grain of my spiritual presence.  

2/2/2021
2:33 AM Still moving with the Libra Moon, I’m having a session with Sheryl in
the morning.  I channeled extensively
last week and I still don’t know if I “got anything”.  Even though I did a very solid intuitive
reading for someone as well, even though the presences always come back, even
though all weekend I was rejoicing that the Virgo Moon brought exactly what I
expected in the way of supernatural vision, tonight I feel empty (although this
“emptiness” is still a kind of spiritual bliss compared to moods I
used to have).  Libra has always fucked
me up.  

This
emptiness is related to letting the past go. The spirits of the dead torture me
less and less now.  The visions I see are
receding.  And even though tonight feels
a little empty I know I’m doing good work with this blog, creating an important
record that will help me in the future.

2/2/2021
3:44 AM I just completed my review of December’s journal and I was very
impressed with myself.  I’m much more
focused and I am indeed accomplishing something with all this web activity,
even though it’s very messy and leaves me exposed to my enemies.  I’m just going to have to be exposed to my
enemies, that’s all.  I’ll never get
anything done either way.  Now I’m going
to try to make a 3D picture for the first time in a few weeks.

2/2/2021
3:57 AM I’m listening to “All Night Long” by Peter Murphy now, as I
catch up with Rendo downloads, thinking of all the times in the past I’ve felt
safe because I was in contact with the spirit world, like being in the audience
at Jenniffer Weigel’s events, or running the bookstore at Chicago IANDS.  Why do I have to spend so much time working,
being distracted from that?  And yet I
think an answer is going to come.
Yesterday at work I “dared” the Angel Picard to come up with
some kind of concrete answer or change as evidence of his validity, and I think
I’m getting it.

2/2/2021
4:03 AM Did I fail?  There was another
world … and I was certain I felt it at times.
I just couldn’t figure out what to do with it.

2/2/2021
4:33 AM It’s a good working, where I’m drifting in and out of the parallel
movie I live in, watching people at a distance, following their emotional
reactions.

2/2/2021
4:51 AM I’m working away, I found a couple of oversights in my catalogue. I’m
hearing the theme from Magnum in my head, and I’m thinking about the
changelessness of the session I’m about to have with Sheryl. I feel the
presences, but they do not affect the world in the way most observable
phenomena do.  I don’t have the language
for it now, but I’m getting in gear for it.

2/2/2021
5:41 AM I was messing around, reinstalling assets and getting bogged down with
costumes.  I’m playing “You’re Not
Alone” by Olive, which is a song I used to console myself with when Jerusha
was sucking on my soul, especially around that time she brought me to Toronto.

2/2/2021
6:38 AM I just got the big news that 5 former girlfriends of Manson have come
forward claiming he is a monster.  This
fits the dark mood of my evening very well.
All my opinions about rock music are going to change.  It’s a bit validating, considering how dark
this evening has felt.  

2/2/2021
7:59 AM Now I’m feeling very rushed, I messed around with 3D, getting hung up
on technicalities and details, and now I’ve just got two hours before my
session.  However, I’m largely doing
okay.  The Manson revelations were the
big deal of the evening, the validation of my creepy feeling of darkness.

2/2/2021
11:58 AM Fantastic!  I had a great
session with Sheryl.  Then I was going to
squeeze in the last five minutes of “The One With Phoebe’s Dad”
before bed and I got hit with two awesome Buffynicities.

Buffynicity
#1: This
one might not be so dead-on, but it made sense while I was watching, Phoebe
loses her imaginary dad, who she thought was a famous tree surgeon from Burma,
and learns where her real dad is, though she can’t bring herself to see him
yet.  In a similar way, I made a picture
this morning, “Destination Unknown: The Guides” and depicted the
being I’ve known as “The Angel Picard” for years now.  The “Picard” fiction is going away
and I’m dealing with him in concrete terms now as I channeled him extensively
today with Sheryl.

Buffynicity
#2 This
morning Harry Brant reminded me to play music on speakers instead of headphones
and as I was reviewing my notes from December I wound up playing
“Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls as I had been reading about playing so
much back before Christmas.  I find it a
very significant song and then at the end of the Friends episode Joey got Ross
two cans of “Iris” cola.

Buffynicity #3: Slightly tenuous, perhaps, but after
“Phoebe’s Dad”, in “Eric’s Buddy” it showed Eric and Buddy
in a montage set to “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”, which is kind
of appropriate, as the Angel Picard has a bit of a paternal aspect to him.  He tells me now that he was my father in
another life, and maybe some other things.