7:00 PM ½/2018

My vacation was so interesting that I forgot to order a new Llewellyn calendar until yesterday so I won’t know what’s up until then.  I also forgot to order refill pages for my planner, but what the hell.  Looking back I feel that even though my blog may seem very repetitive to anyone else reading it, even though I’m frustrated that I never come close to expressing what’s really going on with me, it does serve a purpose because my presence to the world evolves through it over time.  I’m resigned to the futility of it and yet this resignation also brings relief.  I don’t have to feel guilty for not saying anything anymore, I know I’m doing it just for myself – and I know it’s working.

Friday I was at King Spa all day.  I spent 14 hours there, and it was heaven.  They’re experiences I cherish now.  As I write I’m toying with the boundaries of telepathy and what it means to try to write about the things that happen to me there, the things I see and the inner boundaries that I push.  It was Hugh Jackman day at the theater, they showed X2 and Van Helsing.  The Moon trined Pluto in the morning and went VOC – I was actually feeling nervous about getting out to the spa until I remembered that and gave up trying to make anything happen or focus on anything.  The VOC energy was very strong.  I think even now it’s why I don’t have much to say about my day.  I can feel the separation of the magical states involved, the distinction between the states I enter there, which are getting to be somewhat regular, and the state of writing this blog, which is also familiar now.

I associate this familiarity with memories I have of attending sweat lodges years ago, when I first started doing shamanism.  There’s a fullness to the spirit presence that I sense now, a three-dimensionality of it.  It was close then and I lost it but now I’m getting it back. 

I’m having a lot of images flash by now, asking myself who I’m writing for, toying with the idea of cycling my blog, going back to review entries from a year ago, seeing faces of other people I know who have magic blogs, reviewing other magical experiences.  It seems that I have a different perspective on this now.

I had a wonderful magical dream yesterday, one of my angels appeared to me as a woman I work with.  We were making out.  I am not attracted to this co-worker at all but the angel was appearing as her to show me that she is working with me on a more solid level now. 

Back to Friday, the Moon sextiled Chiron in the afternoon and I did notice it, did think of the transit as being validated at that time but I’ve forgotten now what happened.

I was on my way home around the time the Moon entered Gemini.  All day Saturday I was lying in bed (after I meditated in the morning).  The Moon inconjuncted Venus and the Sun in the afternoon.

I’m hearing “Gimme Danger Little Stranger” in my head; I’ve listened to it several times today.  I’m thining about the deep astral state I was in this morning, watching faces move and evolve in my head with a “self-realized” clarity.  In other words, I was able to  gaze at them over a long period of time without having to “hold” the image in my mind – they had independence.  As I write this I’m experiencing a good depth of trance, with a kind of spatial spirit presence, a sense of being half in another reality.

So Moon inconjunct Venus and the Sun brought good depth but trying to remember is difficult.  I’m pretty sure I was poring over sales on Renderosity.  I was at a ritual in the evening, Moon squaring Neptune, very powerful.  In trying to remember this five days of conitinuous trance I was in I find once again that something important has shifted.  My angels are bringing me a specific awareness of what each of these things is, and they’re pointing out to me that I need to take a more concentrated approach to remembering. 

I think the square with Neptune also had me feeling a little apart from the visions, however.  I did feel more isolated.  I got the energy I wanted but it’s as though it went past me.  It wasn’t as much of a thrill as it might have been. 

Sunday the Moon inconjuncted Pluto as I got up to meditate.  I was glad to make it out there on time.  Even now the sense of “transportation” as I think about that time is deep.  It’s like part of my mind is actually drifting back to the moments I’m thinking about.  This is something I’m getting from King Spa.  I can’t wait to go back.  It’s all shifting inside now. 

I got distracted downloading my latest Renderosity orders.  It’s a relief that the holiday sales have died down.  I’m saving a lot of money and spending less time poring over computer screens.  The last big challenge was the “clearance” sale, when all 68 pages of clearance items were 50% off. 

Saturday afternoon I met with a friend and the Moon sextiling Uranus was highly validated as we discovered we have several very precise astrological parallels in our horoscopes.  We talked about being from other planets and her presence was very soothing as I processed a lot of information about the past – a lot of scenes of past experiences came up in my mind and I felt them somehow being cut loose from me, as though I can finally release myself from this disgusting, mediocre little world and move on to something else.  The Moon squaring Chiron was also validated in this way – that specific sense that Chiron transits always bring of past emotion being relived or moved.  When she left the Moon was VOC.  I started watching a DVD about Geronimo and I spent the rest of the night thinking about his ghost – although I didn’t finish the video.  I stopped it and went into a deep fantasy about him instead.

I was asleep at midnight.

Monday I was off work.  I was getting very organized and trying to return to reality, which I have been avoiding for a long time.  For instance I forgot to buy new planners for 2018 so now I can’t check the aspects until Thursday.  It will be interesting to go back and compare to these notes.

The main thing was that I had to go out and get to an ATM to get my rent money.  I found one down in Edgewater and in the evening I went down there.  It was extremely cold and the walk was very long in the dark.  I had drunk a lot.  I saw somebody I didn’t like.  It was certainly an adventure, but damn Chicago is harsh in the winter! 

At home I was listening to “Blah Blah Blah” by Iggy Pop a lot.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this album in relation to my heptalogy. 

Pressure is in my mind again.

10:13 PM ½/2018  I look at that last sentence and I wonder what it means to write something that portentious on the web for anyone to read.  It’s the way I feel.  It really feels localized in the side of my head.  I really feel like I ought to be able to be specific about this, but I never have anything to say but “pressure”.  I think of my mother telling me when I was a child that no one cared how I felt about anything so I should just stop talking about it.

I’m really going to find out what happens to people who are just ugly scum in this world.  Today I was thinking about a guy I knew who bullied me in high school, and what a total drag that was, and how that terrible experience would fit in with the silly guide structure of this disgusting, mediocre world, and why souls come here to do terrible, disgusting things, anyway.

This was related to an insight I had tonight watching Buffy.  I’ve chosen to spend the last few days of fullscreen watching the finale (last 3 episodes) of season 5, because it was an emotional peak for me.  Season six was a downer because Tara got shot, and seven was a drag because it was the last one. 

There are so many things I could be writing now that it hurts.  They all seem important.

Buffynnicity #1: I worked downtown today.  I usually just get stir fry but today I went ahead and also bought a slice of Pizza.  Tonight Glory imprisons Dawn and then asks her if she wants a slice of Pizza because Ben is emerging from within her.  I wonder if this is related to my own dark angel merging with me or “emerging” from within me?

Buffynicity #2: Today I had some of the clearest astral experiences I’ve ever had while I was lying in bed before work, watching faces move around and scenes of other worlds.  Then in tonight’s episode Ben was emerging from within Glory, and Willow went into a dream zone and talked to Buffy.  This is a really cool confirmation of the power of the change that’s taken place, and an amazing sign for 2018. 

Also I realized that this is a clue to my heptalogy – the dreamworld in this episode unlocks a specific memory, and I need that for my heptalogy.  Also I believe I may recall one specific moment in my last lifetime which would be pivotal to “unlock” in this way. 

11:18 PM ½/2018  I definitely feel a metaphysical difference to the new year.  I feel as though I’m going to get things done.  I’m also looking forward to watching Netflix, expanding my horizons with all kinds of movies and series.