7:03 PM 4/3/2017  Although my blog isn’t leading me anywhere I thought it would, it’s definitely serving a magical purpose.  Although so much of what I’m finding out is related to the knowledge that I’ll never really be able to say what I want, and the world is so ugly and crass and stupid that I’ll never really enjoy being a part of it, I’m still gaining some kind of depth from going on with this project, and something positive is happening although I don’t understand it at all.

As I suspected the runup to the Moon trining Neptune this morning was extremely deep for me – since I’ve noticed how powerful Neptune aspects are they only get deeper and in some ways they are my favorite thing in the world.  This time the depth came in the form of a depth of blackness.  Last night at the circle John interrupted me while I was deep in trance and it was as though two parts of my mind which are usually mutually exclusive got slammed together at high speed.  I never really came down from that.  It was a healing of some form of damage.  But the result is that I get to see the damage, get to see how truly dark things are in this world.  So all morning as the Neptune aspect approached I barely had any thoughts at all, I just dwelt in a kind of palpable darkness that was soothing because it was so complete.  I did listen to Judas Priest a little, especially “Touch of Evil”, which I love.  My new headphones broke!  They still worked but the back broke off one of the earpieces.  

I was thinking of a guy I knew back in the late 80s, a drummer.  I never really knew if he was my friend or not.  We were involved in a lot of amorality around the local rock scene, the usual plummet to the depths of degradation over sex and drugs that you encounter around rock bands.  After all these years of being lost in fantasy and delusion I felt the reality of those experiences at a new level, or possibly at the return of an old level.  My life, my memories are seeming real again.  Perhaps this is related to the Saturn retrograde that starts in a couple of days.  And also of course Venus went back into Pisces last night.

But the blackness was soothing and my angel was with me.  I know the work I’m doing now is to determine how to refer to my angels in “public”, what emotional presence to communicate around them.  "It’s my choice" I suppose but I have to know what I want.  I definitely don’t want to compete with conservatives.  I want to forget them.  

I spend a lot of time still in a kind of trance, communicating with higher worlds, considering memories of various levels of truth.  However I am getting myself to work more steadily.  The pain of concentrating is less.

This retrograde effect is interesting as I weave the egregores of Buffy TVS and Judas Priest into my life.  I’ve known about the entertainers who created these egregores for years, but now I’m actually enjoying their work so the emotions I have about them are shifting into that magic zone that’s a part of my inner world.  It’s fascinating – I didn’t think it could happen again after all these years.  Even though I hate the world more than ever in another way this place seems a little less alien because these enjoyable things were taking place in it.

In another way though it seems more alien because it still doesn’t matter.  I don’t even want to write about those feelings.

America was such a disgusting waste of time.  The spiritual teachings of this age are so utterly trivial, so totally inadequate to life.  

How did I feel about those past scenes?  Not much one way or another except a kind of shock that my life was so trivial, that my the beliefs of my culture and the authority figures of my society were so utterly trivial and without signficance.  Society asked me to believe in garbage and I wound up choking on it for decades.

Within minutes of the transit I switched to listening to Iron Maiden and Therion.  It’s amazing how my mood changed with the transit.  I’m not even going to bother to doubt anymore.  So then I was counting down to the 1st quarter moon.  In my minds eye I was seeing images of zombies, an ugly dead America full of lifeless corporate drones, and feeling my angel of Saturn coming to me and setting me free from all of it.  ***

From now on I’m going to use asterisks to represent moments when my angels interrupt me and my energy shifts.  Now I’m going to end this entry and move on to try some deeper channeling.