6:29 PM 4/13/2017 I’m writing from the middle of a very interesting mood. It’s a step forward for me because frequently when I’m doing this I’m struggling to find something to be as I write about astrological aspects.  A while ago I “broke through” and started including feelings in what I was writing and I can feel the whole process leading me to a kind of emotional presence I lost a long time ago – or perhaps which I never had.  I didn’t even realize this was happening until I started writing, so it shows that my old spontaneity is coming back.  I used to write on the web all the time, but then I quit when I moved to Chicago.  I felt dwarfed by the city, like a yokel. Now though I’m a true urbanite and I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks anymore.

This morning was fairly mellow.  I was working at a remote site so I got to sleep in a bit and then take the train.  It was raining and all the umbrellas were gone from the basket in the hall but I went to my car and found two I’d forgotten were there, including a “Diet Coke” umbrella I got years ago for saving bottletops but never used.  I was having lots of thoughts about the ritual magic I did last night, and also about Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I was looking forward to a day of so many intense aspects – I was expecting something wild to happen, and it did.  First, I got to work around the time of the Moon sextiling Pluto and I actually got a decent insight into Pluto out of it.  I was looking back on college and sex (Buffy got laid in the episode I watched last night) and thinking about how nasty and suicidal it is, how the girls I knew were all insane and it was all a big collective freakout without conscience or decency, and I realized that that was the functioning of Pluto.  It has alwasy been kind of abstract for me before, but now I get how the energy of Pluto relates to wars and college sex and the total decline of civilization.  It clicked for me and made me very happy becuase now I can work with the aspects.  It’s probably one reason I’m more comfortable with blogging.

Then the day progressed in a pretty mellow way until right before noon when I got a chat invitation from some coworkers and it turned out that 3 weeks earlier, the last time I had been at this site, I had made a mistake which had really screwed up a project and I had to sit and listen for several minutes with project managers getting testy over the delays and everyone having to hassle over a lot of stupidity.  It made me feel like crap but then for the next several hours I tried to do all kinds of energy work and work on the intuitive meaning of it. The mistake wasn’t huge but it was pretty uncomfortable for me and it was obviously the “big event” I had been expecting.  I haven’t screwed up like this in a while.

It’s also interesting to note that every time I go down there I run into some strange echo of the last time I was down there.  For instance breaking my headphones, which I wrote about previously.

So I was working on all kinds of telepathic influences at work, and it all went around and around and it was very inconvenient and made me question my place in the world, and the futility of America in general, but at the same time I couldn’t help but feel good sometimes, thinking about my angels.  It was like a test, even though I felt like crap about my life as a corpo drone, I couldn’t feel that bad because I have angels and I don’t really give a damn.  So all the way home on the train ride (even though I overran a stop before I transferred from blue to red and had to double back) I was just drifting along, trying to feel good.  It was working.  There was a homeless woman in an oversized gray coat standing in front of me talking to herself.  I was wondering if I’m going to wind up like her. 

It was like this anxiety and darkness was the key to some deeper spiritual presence.  See, I hate being a corpo.  The company I work is totally empty.  It’s really big and well known, it’s kind of nice, but people get fired all the time and forgotten about.  There aren’t any real relationships there.  That’s why it feels so crummy to make a mistake because no one is really friends.  It’s all just every man for himself.  It’s very inhuman and it reminds me every day what a disaster the United States of America is, how we really don’t have any civilization at all, just this amoral money-grubbing sanitized filth of lies and stupidity that should be burnt to the ground and forgotten.  And also it reminds me of how stupid all the psychic cheerleaders sound who preach that “you can do anything you want”, of how corporate they are themselves, and all the silly failed occult schools and cults I’ve encountered that try so desperately to make this mechanical emptiness of a country we live in look like some kind of spontaneous expansion of love and creativity.  It’s really just a load of shit, if you ask me. 

So I felt kind of paralyzed after work.  It’s a familiar paralysis – it happens to me a lot when I have to deal with the ugliness of the country I live in, just a very dark feeling of not wanting to move because if I do I’ll have to face the utter futility of everything.  But then the spirit presence kicked in.  I can’t feel as bad as I used to.  I have too much proof now that magic is real.

*** But then I have these angels around me now, and I suppose there’s some kind of purpose for all this weirdness that’s going to be revealed. 

So the Moon inconjuncted the Sun while I was sitting on the train watching that old woman talking to herself, wondering if she was hearing actual spirit voices.  She reminded me of this evil woman I knew back in Grand Rapids.  *** Angels wonder whether we should go into that now.  I was feeling relieved at that time though because my “better-feeling thoughts” had worked all the way home and I was in a kind of syrupy dark mixture of emotions that seemed like it could lead to an improvement from the rut I’ve been in at work.  I was thinking of the guy I knew from there who showed up at that astrology symposium that Brian ran a couple of weeks ago.

My angels are coming through stronger all the time.  Anything could happen.  I was doing a lot of “Course in Miracles” stuff too.  The presence of Jesus is getting stronger, although the absurdity of Christianity seems worse than ever, and I am more fed up than ever with this boring mediocre Christian country.

And the Moon inconjuncted Uranus right when I got home, ready to blog.  This is actually a more coherent outpouring of my genuine feelings than I’ve managed on the web in years.  It just occurred to me this may relate also to the fact that my weight is back down to what it was 13 years ago, as well.  It’s funny how much I’ve experienced in between that time and this – and how utterly irrelevant a lot of it was.  I think of all the people I met and parted ways with in that time.  What an ephemeral operetta this life is.  How insignificant.  I especially think of the rotten stupid angry people I’ve known, how ugly they were and how much uglier they get in retrospect.  It’s true that I forgive them but in a way that only makes them more irrelevant, makes life more irrelevant.  What a disappointing, unpleasant world we live in.

I guess that inconjunct Uranus had to do with the strange mixture of light and dark feelings I was having, unhappy because of my unsatisfying relationships at work, but happy because I seem to be getting a stronger sense of self.  There’s no doubt I’ve made progress, and there’s no doubt I’ll have more.  From within that darkness I was thinking to myself that I should look back on this day from the future and mark the trail I took away from this emptiness. 

7:05 PM 4/13/2017  The Moon opposed Mars just then.  That probably had a lot to do with my mood.  Mars and Pluto today.  And also Venus goes direct in two days so it’s probably slowing down right now, reversing course.  The darkness is like the loss of momentum, but then I can feel myself going direct, just getting fed up with being a nobody.  I’ve been able to conceive of writing a genuine novel again – I want to write one about Lisa, the girl I knew in high school who was a punk rocker.  I want to make America choke on the failed legacy of the 80s.  I want to humiliate normos.

The Moon is trining Chiron and Venus tonight, and the Sun is opposing Uranus.  I can see that this really has been an important day – and it’s not even over.  I feel more like myself than ever and that mistake was probably the kick in the ass I needed. 

I’ll write more after I run and work on my website.  I wanted to look at the future but there’s not much tomorrow, just the Moon inconjuncting Mercury in the afternoon.  It doesn’t feel like much.  The big stuff is Saturday.  Venus went retrograde on March 4.  I guess I’ll take the time to review my blog from then.  It was a month after Jupiter went retrograde, I was in season 2 of Buffy.  Man, I have nostalgia for that already.  It was obviously a time of getting back old feelings and here I am at the end of it, with all this Judas Priest and Motorhead checked out from the library – something I missed back in the 80s.  I’m actually ripping “Quadrophenia”, and I was doing Robert Plant’s “Shaken n Stirred” earlier. So many memories to reclaim, now that I’m getting my self back.