An interesting day of clearer information, but still feeling a little uneasy.  Blogging has definitely been a spiritual adventure and now I am getting toward a more formal channeling experience with it, actively drawing spiritual guidance to navigate the boundaries between public and private. 

I’m thinking a lot about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I was looking up horoscopes of some of the actors and of course creator Joss Whedon himself.  He’s got an opposition between Saturn and Uranus which makes me think there are Angels involved in his two characters, “Angel” and “Buffy”.  Whether they’re his angels or not, I am perceiving them as such, and they are representing something in my life.

I’ve developed this fabulous crush on Juliet Landau which I am nurturing because I may never have feelings like this about a woman again.  I didn’t think it could happen to me but Buffy is a big blast from the past, back to the days when I was 28 years old and still thinking about falling in love, and damn I wish I’d watched this show then.  I just think it’s so fun to listen to this Peter Murphy album “Love Hysteria” over and over and savor my fascination with her.  I could tell when this happened that this is a serious shamanic event for me – a chance to understand this kind of attraction I haven’t felt in years.  Even though I’ve been attracted to other women, I haven’t had a “crush”.  I can see now that there’s some aspect of being excited about the existence of other people that I lost a long time ago, and now I’m getting it back.  So this is big fun for me and I’m going to keep it going as long as possible.

Mercury trined Saturn earlier – while I was building up to that I was thinking about this character I created for Buffyverse fanfic – “Jaws”.  I actually downloaded the theme music to “Jaws” and listened to it several times.  I made up this scene about Drusilla and Spike going to see it and then killing everyone in the audience.  Paul Newman and Martin Landau were in it, too.  I looked up the planet Saturn and developed this elaborate mythology surrounding the moons – Tethys, Calypso, Telesto, Mimas, and Pandora.  Vampires are just shadows of the planet Saturn, you see, and princesses like Jaws are actually representatives of the various moons. 

Before the Mars aspect I got an e-mail from Pinterest saying one of my pins violated their policy on adult content – I didn’t create it, just took it from someone else’s board, but still it made me think about the web, and what I put on it.  It was a little unpleasant but it also made me take a broader perspective on what I’m writing, and on the meaning of the “entertainment” I’m consuming and daydreaming about.  I do feel that spirits are watching over me now, putting me in touch with deeper perspectives on this.  For instance as I’m blogging I feel them looking over my shoulder, showing me how I should narrow my focus and be less emotionally involved with the world at large and more involved with the purposes of these emanations from the inner planes that I sense.

I’m doing really well with these spiritual presences and what we’re working on now is these parallel lives of imagination that I habit.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a great magnet for this.  She’s taking up a lot of time in my daydreams and pulling my other daydreams into line over this 6 month period I’m in where I watch five or six episodes of her and Angel a week.  Images of her are pulling at the weird “false memory” daydreams I have, where I wonder about conversations I might have had in the past with people I haven’t seen in years.  I was thinking about the moon of Saturn called Mimas (the Death Star in Star Wars resembles it closely).  They say it’s responsible for the “Cassini Division” between the rings of Saturn.  It clears out the debris.  I think Buffy TVS is doing something similar in my daydreams, clearing out debris.   I don’t know exactly what it means to write about this but it does change something, does improve my focus on reality.

These blog posts are genuine steps in the development of my ability to channel.

I wrote the above before I ran and now I’m back a couple of hours later:  

I wandered around my bedroom utterly confused for an hour or so and then went to run.  Once again, I forgot my fucking headband.  It takes fifteen minutes to get it when I forget it.  I was late anyway because I couldn’t concentrate.  So I only ran half an hour but it was nice as I finished my episode of Buffy TVS.

I’m making good progress tonight.  Even though I’m confused my anger is getting healed.  I’m getting greater faith I suppose even though at the same time I’m losing faith in other things.  My mind is cracked and broken.  But the magic is very powerful.  I just need to know how to direct it.

There’s a lot to write about.  I’m looking forward to a slow day tomorrow, with just a couple of aspects, getting ready for a weekend of heavy conjuncts.

I just have to say that Juliet Landau is going to be the last crush I ever have.  I could tell this when I felt myself falling for her, that she somehow represents the end of the line for a particular type of emotional reaction in me.  I could just see myself with her so easily.  I haven’t fallen for an Aries girl in years and it just seems like I could marry her and totally be with her forever. It’s kind of funny, very Buffy-Uranus.  It’s magic, and I knew from the start that this is the summation of my emotional craziness.  It’s all going to come to ground during this Jupiter retrograde, and It’s going to come down around Buffy TVS and a huge piece of it is going to be about these feelings I have watching Juliet Landau and the telepathic effect of emotional involvement with entertainment.  For better or for worse, it ends here, with Cool Hand Luke and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Writing this I’m half off this plane of existence already.  It’s going to get deeper.  The focus of my frustration is simply not having any idea who I’m supposed to be.  But it will get better.  I’m going to go listen to “All Night Long” again.  This song has become the focus of my daydreams about Buffy and Juliet, and also Paul Newman.  It’s something to do also with Neptune and the moons of Saturn. 

The chaos will be much better by the end of the Jupiter retrograde.