Monthly Archives: July 2017

The Buffy Diaries 7-30-2017

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10:19 PM 7/30/2017

I’ve decided to stick with the title “The Buffy Diaries” all the way through Firefly and Angel, at least.  I started Firefly yesterday.

Buffynicity #1:  When I was going through my toy collection earlier this week, I found a couple of long-missing “crates” for my Dagobah playset.  They looked just like the crates the crew of the Firefly was hauling in the first episode.

Buffynicity #2:  There’s a character named Simon on the show and I just sent an e-mail to a guy named Simon earlier this week who has a similarly ambiguous, though ultimately positive role in my life. 
Aspects:

Friday the Moon inconjunct Neptune was pretty fun. I was continuing to listen to Nine Inch Nails and enjoying being caught up with work.  I bought my ticket for the Wizard World convention. 

Moon conjunct Jupiter – as I predicted, I was selling toys and getting some money for my Riotfest ticket.  I was also picking up comics, etc.  Just to reinforce the “cookie dough” Buffynicity from the final episode I got a cookie dough blizzard at Dairy Queen.  My angels were very close – so close that I’m saying less about the experience of them than I have in the past because we’re reorganizing things.  The end of Buffy was the end of a deep magical working and I am now on to the next one.  I’ll be taking clients soon, they tell me.

I was on the way home when the Moon squared Pluto, listening to more NIN than ever.  I’m feeling more confident in my role in this world, but I’m still searching for exactly the point of view to express about it. 

I got home and meditated and started cleaning, doing enormous amounts of throwing-away of useless crap.  I think I stayed up until 2 am doing that.  It’s really a huge step forward in being master of my own daily life. 

In the morning I meditated and then spent the rest of the day cleaning.  The Moon trining Venus was bringing a deep sense of connection with higher worlds and this was related to all the things I was getting rid of, all the clutter and waste getting out of my life at last.  The Moon inconjunct Chiron also contributed.  My visions of the past were shifting – the continuous stream of visual images which has distracted me for years is focusing down to a controllable field of information.  I’m doing more and more visualization.  I’m able to see and sense the spirit world with increasing clarity that is very emotionally satisfying – I’ve crossed the distance between here and there.  This was related to the Moon conjuncting Uranus in the sense that finally cleaning my bedroom is such a major change in my life – in addition the “huge” piles of backlogged paperwork I have lying around are turning out to be not that complex at all.  It was much easier to organize most of this stuff than I thought.

Also I finally started taking some of the many pictures from magazines I’ve been saving for years and putting them into “magical” posters.  They unleashed a creepy power to that I’m now using.  Included with this was the “return” of Tara-Jennifer appearing as Amber Benson – I found some pictures I collected back when the first wave of her hit, right before Tara got shot.  She took a back seat for a while as season 7 progressed but now she has returned and I’ll be doing more with “Amber” in the near future.

The Moon was VOC for a while.  I ran and watched the first episode of Firefly, which was very cool.  Then I went to a ritual and got there just after the Moon entered Scorpio.  The energy was very focused.  I came home and went to sleep.

I woke up early in the morning.  I cleaned a bit more and went to meditate, starting as the Moon squared Mars.  It was a very clarifying session, bringing a lot of answers about the various machiavellian hierarchy games that spritual teachers play.  Also I made a new Facebook friend.

I was shopping when the Moon squared the Sun, feeling pretty upbeat, happy to be saving money by not buying Monster Energy Drinks or sodas.  There were some very detailed perceptions of the angelic realm which were very clear but once again I question the validity of writing about them.  What exactly is useful or important about these perceptions I had, and what is secret?  There’s a new revelation coming, I can feel it.

I took a nap and went to Edgewater, then ran and watched episode 2 of Firefly.  I like this show a lot.

And finally the Moon trined Neptune while I was writing this.  My circle was very powerful, and I had a lot of good spirit connection and talked about it with the group in a very articulat way, for which I got congratulated.  I received telepathic impressions which were validated by those I shared them with.  Everyone was talking about “Simple Gifts”, the song by Aaron Copeland.

I’m too tired now to think about how I should write about these things.  I’m just doing the work of recording it.

Tomorrow morning the Moon sextiles Pluto and then goes VOC for the whole day.  I should be getting good information about what I experienced tonight, as we were talking about Pluto retrograde. 

Venus entering my natal Cancer at 9:54 will bring some kind of vision, I’m sure.  I think this is related to the clarit with which I’m perceiving higher dimensions, like I’m finally going home.

The Buffy Diaries 7-27-2017

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10:42 PM 7/27/2017

Well, I’m done.  I guess I’m fully Buffynitiated now.  And I have a big finale of my own to report.

Buffynicity #1:  From tonight’s episode.

BUFFY
 (looks at Angel) Because—OK, I’m cookie dough. I’m not done baking. I’m not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I’m gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat— (eyes go wide as she catches herself) or enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then…that’s fine. That’ll be then. When I’m done.

Just this Saturday when I was out at Navy Pier for the Rolling Stones exhibit, I had some “Dippin’ Dots” for the first time – that brand of ice cream that comes frozen in lots of little round balls.  I had “chocolate chip cookie dough” flavor.

Buffynicity #2:  I had to rearrange my evening because I had a date to play Magic: The Gathering with some friends, and in the episode Giles, Xander, Andrew, and Amanda are playing some kind of role-playing game.

Buffynicity #3:  My MTG pals and I were texting each other and at one point I wanted to type “np” meaning no problem, but my spellchecker put in “no” and caused some confusion.  My exact text in response was:

“That’s stupid.  I mean that to type "np” meaning “no problem” but my dumbass spellchecker said “no”.

I had to fight my dumbass spellchecker to get the word “dumbass” onto the screen.  I was being very specific about that word so in tonight’s episode it was Buffynicitous when this happened:

10     INT.     DINING ROOM AT BUFFY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
 Dawn is waiting by the front door when Buffy walks in. Buffy’s surprised to see her. Dawn kicks Buffy in the shin.

BUFFY
 Ow.

DAWN
Dumbass.

And finally, the last Buffynicity:

Buffynicity #4.  I’ve already posted a picture of this.  Tuesday night I decided to clear out my toy collection and I found four Angelas and three Brigids, all these duplicates.  I “chose” one to keep.  Then in the penultimate episode Buffy comes out with “The Scythe” which is styled in a way very similar to the spear of my chosen.  And didn’t realize the irony of all the duplicates until today with Willow giving the power of the chosen to all the “Potentials” going out into the world now.  And that’s just where the seven other figures in the picture I just posted will go, too.

What an amazing ride it’s been!  I’m going to watch Firefly now, and then I’ll probably watch Angel but I may just start Buffy over again and then when I get to season four start alternating episodes.  I don’t know.  I know this has been an amazing, wonderful, magical, transformative experience for me.  My angels have used this show in a way that should be obvious if anyone should ever read this blog.  It’s a lot to think about and I’m not going to force myself.  I’ll let it end just like the TV show ended, with something new about to happen.  But I’ll always remember the magic.

Now as for transits today, Moon iconjunct Uranus and oppposing Chiron while I was on the way to work – I had just had a very powerful dream of Jody, the most intenst ever with the most detailed conversation.  I wish I could remember it.  I was listening to Nine Inch Nails a lot and thinking about how Riot Fest is going to ground a lot of my daydreams.  Those are all Plutonian and Chironic issues, death, sex, society, darkness.

All was Void of Course until 10:37 and I guess that was how the work flowed as well.  I really got down to it and accomplished some things in the afternoon.

I was playing MTG while the Moon sextiled Mars and the Sun.  I was indeed focusing on Kara at that time and she was showing me the differences between the way I used to be while playing such games and the way I am now.  She’s coming through very clear.  So clear, in fact, that I don’t want to think about it too much.  I have adaptations to make.

Tomorrow I’m expecting psychic news around the Moon inconjunct Neptune in the afternoon.  Moon conjunct Jupiter at 5:35 as my weekend is beginning will probably have Kara showing me some things about my collecting hobby.  I’ll be selling all these toys too, getting money and letting go of the past, integrating my feelings about art and entertainment on a deeper level.

Moon squaring Pluto at 7:38, I have no idea what I’ll be doing.  Possibly I’ll be on my way home.  I’m expecting big news from Kara though.

Goodnight, Scoobies.  I’ll see you again soon.

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As I wrote yesterday, here are the six other “Potentials” that I found in my closet.  I guess I made a mistake, I only had 3 “Medieval Brigids from More than Mortal”, but I did have 4 Angelas.  And Buffy has given them all the power but only the one I posted yesterday is truly “THE CHOSEN!”

The Buffy Diaries 7-26-2017

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7:20 PM 7/26/2017

Synchronicity #1:  Today I was looking at a famous promo picture of Siouxsie Sioux for the song “Israel”, where she’s wearing a sweater with a Star of David on it.  Then this afternoon I picked up a copy of the authorized biography of her band and not only did it have a foreword by Shirley Manson, who I just saw in concert last Saturday, but in the foreword she mentioned that very picture as her favorite.

Buffynicity #1:  This is one of the most spectacular yet, and I feel people will have a hard time believing it, but last night I was writing that season 7 of Buffy was not so fun because Buffy is being a bitch and I miss Tara, and then I got a mysterious text message from someone I don’t know, asking me for some “treasure within mp3’s” (whatever those are, perhaps I should look them up).  She said she probably had the wrong person but I was in her phone.  I asked her name and she replied “Tara”.

Which is cool because it means Buffynicity is extending beyond the episode.   Tara-Jennifer first appeared to me as Amber Benson and I checked out several books by her which I still intend to read, but I got distracted by Wuthering Heights and the actual writing of the Darkening is taking some attention away from Tara, but this is still something to think about.

10:26 PM 7/26/2017 
Buffynicity #2:  I already posted pictures of this, and I’m going to post some more tomorrow.  As I was cleaning out my closets yesterday (and I posted a Buffynicity about that as well) I came upon six or eight figures, from the series Angela and More than Mortal of women holding axes.  I used to have them all on a shelf but I decided to get rid of all but one, a red Angela.  And then tonight Buffy comes upon the Scythe which is the same color scheme and looks very similar.  So that was very big.

Buffynicity #3:  I was thinking about holidays today.  I’ve decided to go to Riotfest in September and so now I’ve got tickets to buy for about five major events stretched out between here and Halloween.  I’m going to be taking some vacation time to see Nine Inch Nails on the Friday and I was adding up because I also like to take time for Halloween (Tori is playing on the Friday before) and Thanksgiving.  I was thinking about what I always say, America’s only two remaining real holidays are Black Friday and Halloween.  And then I was thinking “what about Easter?"  So I focused on Easter for a bit and that’s what made it a Buffynicity when Anya said this:

ANYA
 (bandaging a potential’s shoulder) Yeah. They’re gonna look like mortally wounded Easter baskets.

Minor, but real.

Buffynicity #4:

ANYA
 Aw. (shrugs, swigs from a bottle)

ANDREW
 H-hey! We’re supposed to use that to sterilize wounds. Mr. Giles said.

ANYA
 Come on, what does it really matter? (hands bottle to Andrew)

ANDREW
 Hmm. Good point. (takes a swig from the bottle)

ANYA
 Giles knows his single malt antiseptics.
 
… and then a few seconds later …

ANDREW
 Well, I think you should drive ‘cause that scotch made me a little dizzy.

This is Buffynicitous because before I went to run I was writing about the synchronicity of Shirley Manson having written the forward of the Siouxsie biography I checked out from the library today, and at the show on Saturday she was telling the crowd they a story about getting drunk and telling everyone they should always drink Scotch whiskey, it was a funny story I can’t quite remember but I know she was being very definite about Scotch and everyone laughed because she’s from Scotland.

So those are some good, solid Buffynicites.  Buffynicity #1 is interesting as well because it illuminates my thought processes.  Tara first texted me at 10 PM, just as I was finishing my run.  We went back and forth just a few times over the next couple of hours.  It wasn’t a very intense conversation, but I can’t remember whether I knew she was named Tara before or after I wrote the entry.  I spent a while trying to figure out whether that was as spectacular a coincidence as I first thought, but now I realize that just the fact that a person named Tara would randomly text me is crazy enough, whenever I knew, because I already knew that I was missing Tara.  However I seem to remember not bothering to answer them after they told me their name because I was so tired I wanted to sleep, which would indicate that I didn’t find out their name until after I’d written the entry.  That makes it fairly spectacular.

And the season is turning out pretty well.  I’m forgiving them for being annoying because they are doing cool things with the characters.  I can see they made Buffy annoying on purpose. 

So here I am almost done with the penultimate episode. 

As for transits, I was just waking up as the Moon opposed Neptune and I got a really good insight into "the merry go round”, how to read the auras of people at a distance, people I haven’t seen in a long time, so that’s a validation.

When the Moon trined Pluto I was listening to a lot of Nine Inch Nails, feeling very in control of my job and getting a lot of insights into popular music, like my angels are winding up some kinds of psychic activity and moving me to a higher level.  I also got a surprise assignment to go downtown tomorrow, which continues the association between that planet and trips downtown, even though there aren’t any Pluto aspects tomorrow.  I can feel myself being moved toward a coherent public “persona” for readings.  Also I decided to go to Riot Fest and I was planning out that whole event, expecting to get a lot of good psychic insights into Plutonian energies around that music.  Also someone I’m following on twitter replied to my forward of their tweet and we had a little discussion about political philosophy.  Pluto is very consistent in bringing these types of things forward for me.

Moon squared Saturn and the Sun conjuncted Mars in the evening.  I was feeling pressed for time, wanting to sweep the floors before I went to run and also regretting the fact that I need to go to bed early tonight to make up for staying up late last night.  However I was also feeling extremely confident about my angelic contact and John asked me to do readings at Chi! Ka! Go! in October, which will be a big step forward for me and definitely validates the major Mars transit as Kara is from the sphere of Mars.  I made a lot of money the last time I did readings, and learned a lot.  This will be my first contact with the public in a while and it gives me something to focus my energies on.  This is going to be a major revelation for me.

So the day did turn out to be very profound.

I’m off to bed, well before the Moon squares Venus but still the power of my inner-world visions is enhanced and I am getting a lot done, feeling very much like I’m ready to meet the public.

Tomorrow the Moon inconjuncts Uranus in the morning so I’ll have to be watching for that.  The purpose of this trip was totally unexpected, however.  The Moon opposes Chiron seven minutes later so there should be some revelation.  Possibly it will have to do with music as I am ready to get some more scenes of the Darkening done.

The Moon is VOC until it enters Libra in the late morning so I probably won’t try to get too much done. 

I may be playing Magic the Gathering when the Moon sextiles both the Sun and Mars in the evening.  That would probably bring some good channeling insights, as games tend to bring that out in me.  That’s what I’m expecting, anyway.

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Buffynicity:  Tonight Buffy got the Scythe, and as I wrote in my blog yesterday, I was just cleaning out my closets and found four of these Angelas in various colors, and also four “More Than Mortal” figures – females who were holding long axes.  They’re sitting in the trunk of my car and maybe tomorrow night I’ll  take a picture of them.  But the point was that I was going to sell them and I just kept this one red Angela.  The Buffynicity is the “axe” aspect and the color scheme.

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The Buffy Diaries 7-25-2017

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11:47 PM 7/25/2017

Probably a short entry tonight as I only remember one Buffynicity and there was only one aspect, and it’s late anyway because I decided to sell at least half of my toy collection and so I spent the evening going through it, opening up old containers in the closet. 

Buffynicity #1:  Right before I went to run I opened a plastic container I hadn’t opened in possibly a year and it smelled pretty bad for just a moment.  Then as I started tonight’s episode:

ANYA
 (shuffling her note cards) OK… I know you’re all upset… and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiance than killing time here with you people in this over-crowded and might I add increasingly ripe-smelling basement.

So that’s a minor Buffynicity and really the only one that I can recall.  I note however that for the last several days I’ve been thinking about how unsatisfying season 7 has been, Buffy is being a total bitch and I miss Tara.  But it is a girl’s show after all so I put up with it.  It seems like they were doing that on purpose though, because tonight they actually kicked Buffy out of the house so at least this is an intentional plot thread I can respect.

As for aspects, the Moon conjuncted Mercury this morning while I was still asleep, which is disappointing.  I was in and out of sleep when the Moon entered Virgo.  The day went pretty smooth and I caught up with a bunch of things.  I was very happy with my decision to quit soda, thinking about how much money I’ll save, and this prompted me to also cut my collecting budget – I’m going to focus less on toys becuase The Darkening is going so well and I just don’t need them as aids to my imagination so much.  Also I’m just going to simplify my life in general.  I’m understanding the psychic impulse that leads me to always want to be drinking soda or alcohol or something, getting over my habits of consumption.

I went shopping, very happy to save more than twenty dollars because I wasn’t buying soda or Perrier, and I was driving home when Mercury entered Virgo.

When I got home I went to work on my closet and storage boxes and I’m very happy with that.  I suppose it might be slightly related to the gang asking Buffy to leave.    I worked all evening and then ran and then worked some more, and now I have so much more closet space, and I’m going to get some extra money on Friday, and I’m going to bed as soon as I make predictions for tomorrow.

Moon opposing Neptune at 5:37 am – I hope something spectacular happens as I’m waking up, maybe a dream or something. 

Moon trining Pluto in the afternoon, with Mercury in Virgo and my newfound focus on money and giving up distracting habits, I think I’ll get some ideas about writing.

In the evening Moon squares Saturn and the Sun conjuncts Mars, with the Moon squaring Venus a couple of hours later.  I’m expecting big things, hopefully related to writing.  Jenny and Victor get more real all the time.  I’ve chosen last names for them, even. 

But I don’t have time to speculate except to say that there are transits related to all three of my angels tomorrow so I hope I’ll get some powerful answers about how they fit into the cosmic scheme of things.

A Million Miles Away: Valerian

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This book was supposed to be about rock singles, but today I went to see Valerian for the second time and it was so deep and so beautiful that I wanted to capture the sense of immersion in a world of feeling.  Suddenly as I write I feel very heavy, some center of attention in my mind crosses over into a supernatural frequency.  This happens all the time but tonight because I am attempting this I have a deeper frame of reference, I can say “I am here” or “I am there”.  I know so much of what I wanted to create artistically wasn’t art at all but rather the communication of this other frequency, the reality of this other world.

I don’t know if this piece will make it into my book – I still like the formal idea of making it all about pop singles, but because I’m turning my attention in this direction I felt like making the attempt to articulate my feelings about this movie, good and bad.

The first time I saw it I thought it was very slow and also sentimental.  But I found it eerily fascinating and over the weekend it grew on me so I just went to see it again and I love it.  I know it’s going to stick with me forever.

Part of this has to do with the original graphic novel.  Over the weekend I went to my comic store and picked up a promotional booklet that had a story and a lot of quotes from Luc Besson about how much he loved it, and how it was part of the inspiration for The Fifth Element.  I also found the Fifth Element a little cheesy the first time I saw it, but came to love it later.  I’m sure this has to do with Besson’s sense of timing.  Ultimately it winds up being a much deeper emotional experience, quite against the grain of Hollywood at this time.

I have to think about how the link to a long-running graphic novel series affects me.  I’m a sucker for the sense of “establishment” and roots in time.

I’m also rooting for Besson, making an independent film that goes agains the grain.

And I think Cara Delevingne is hot.  Dane Dehaan is also very charismatic.  I think he sounds exactly like Keanu Reeves, which was jarring at first but ultimately Keanu sounds great and so does Dane.  I love Dehaan’s style.  I really bought into the love story and I want to see more of them. 

The first time I saw it I was a little uncomfortable with Laureline’s climactic speech.  I didn’t want to make the emotional adaptation to her.  But the second time I accepted it fully.  In other words, she convinced me.  I had a very similar reaction to The Fifth Element, feeling a little put off the first time but ulitmately being won over.

The depth of the world created in this story is luxurious.  I’m so glad I saw it and I might even convince myself to see it again.  I intend to read the graphic novels. 

I was very disappointed at the horse-race figures for the first weekend.   I hope it does better in Europe than it has here.

I’m not sure this piece will make it into the final version of “A Million Miles Away” but I am finding my own voice and emotional space on the web, getting used to writing freely about entertainment and not giving a damn what anyone thinks. 

The Buffy Diaries 7-24-2017

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10:26 PM 7/24/2017

Two Buffynicities that I recall tonight, one of them major.

Buffynicity #1:  I was looking through my “Jungian Tarot” just before I went to run, sorting out the major arcana, including “Strength”.  Then this line was in the episode:

CALEB
 (checks out the First’s form) Strength. And the loneliness that comes with real strength.

It’s significant because the main figure in the tarot card Strength is a woman.  However it is a minor Buffynicity in general.

Buffynicity #2: This is bigger because I have been focusing on my various drinking habits during the last couple of weeks.  I have quit drinking alchol in general, and I have also quit drinking monster energy drinks.  Now just today I have finally gotten completely sick of diet soda and decided to quit after I drink what I have now.  This is a major issue for me, one I’ve thought about every day for weeks.  I especially have been thinking a lot today about the effect that caffeine has on my moods.  So when Faith said this tonight it was significant:

FAITH
 (smiles) Not if you’re all repenty. Takes the fun out of it. (the girls upstairs are making noise) No more Starbucks for the wannabe’s man. They’ve been spazzing for, like, hours.

This “spazzing” has been a major concern for me today, and although I’ve been considering it for weeks, gradually quitting other types of drinking habits, today is the first day I made a determination to quit diet soda. 

Still, it’s not a direct reference to diet soday, only caffeinated beverages.  So i’m going to lump this together with another buffynicitous occurrence related to drinking – the fact that I have quit drinking alcohol unitl I lost the last 25 pounds I want to take off, except today when I went to see Valerian again it was in a new theater that has waiters who come to your seat.  I just had to take advantage of this and get some wine.  I ordered a red Chardonnay but it turned out they only had white.  So when Caleb makes his speech about wine:

CALEB
 "Drink of this, for it is my blood.“ (drinks) You know, I always loved the story of the Last Supper. (looks at his glass, turns, paces) The body and blood of Christ becoming rich, red wine. I recall, as a boy, though, I couldn’t help but think: what would happen if you were at the Last Supper, and you ordered the white? A nice oaky Chardonnay or White Zin…

It was definitely synchronous, having my first glass of wine on this day, especially since I was focusing during the movie on my other "drinking problem” – the two drinks I had that got spilled on Friday at Valerian and Saturday at Ravinia.  That was such a blatant synchronicity that it’s become a new touchstone and high-water mark for me to think of when I want to remind my subconscious how deeply arranged my life is. 

So yes, there was a lot today about my money- and time-wasting habits of drinking various beverages. 

Buffynicity #3 is the simplest and most spectacular.  This is the first episode I’ve watched since I saw Blondie on Saturday (my tablet was messed up yesterday), and then in tonight’s episode came this line:

FAITH
 Should’ve known it wasn’t blondie behind the wheel. She’d never throw down like that.

Seriously, how many times is the word “blondie” used in this series?  Probably not since Faith was last on the show.  So that’s pretty spectacular and makes me feel good.

Another synchronicity, although not directly Buffy related, was that I was looking up theaters today, trying to decide whether to see Valerian tonight, and then on the way home as I transferred from the Blue Line to the Red Line at the Jim Thompson Center I realized there was a therater there in Block 37.  I walked up to check showtimes and found that Valerian was starting in ten minutes so I just had to take the opportunity.

At work this morning around the time of the Moon inconjunct with Pluto I got an e-mail saying my company is going to be checking all of our LinkedIn profiles to see that we aren’t telling anyone who we work for.  That was a bit of a jolt, reminding me that my employers may read my web writing at any time.  Ultimately I don’t care but it was a kind of Plutonian collective energy, broadening my awareness of what I’m doing.

The Venus opposition with Saturn at 9:54 was fascinating.  I was having very exciting images, knowing just what I want to write for The Darkening, feeling very confident about the directions I want to move, and feeling very clear with my own spiritual contacts.  Then just at the time of the transit I got the call that the delivery I was expecting the reason for me being down there to begin with, had arrived.  Last Thursday there was a Saturn transit and this delivery was aborted.  Today I had to be down there again for it and it came right at this transit – a validating experience.

Furthermore, I had been dreading this delivery a bit because it was very heavy and I wasn’t sure how well I could handle it by myself.  However it turned out to be extremely easy, and I was done dealing with it at almost exactly the time of the next transit, Mercury trining Uranus.  This was related to the unexpected ease with which this difficulty was resolved, and my sense of accomplishment and confidence in the fact that my writing is genuinely magical whether or not anyone ever reads it.  I am really making major changes with this.

Mercury inconjuncted Chiron as I was finishing the last of my work and turning The Darkening over in my mind.  During a break I was looking up the London Goth scene in the 80s and I found an interesting website to pick over and some movies to watch.  I was getting a very deep sense of the characters.  They are really taking shape in a form that can drive the whole novel and I am very happy with that, and I was also very happy with the resolution of a lot of my feelings about music.  This is true shamanic magic that fits perfectly with the astrological meanings of Mercury and Chiron – communication, thought, healing old pain.  It was really working for me today in spite of the worry I had yesterday when I saw all the intense aspects that were happening.

The Moon was trining Saturn after work, just as I was starting Valerian.  This was related to the way that I “just happened” to wander into this new theater I’d never tried before just ten minutes before the show started.  It was also related to the “space” theme of the movie, and my use of moviegoing as a trance-meditation in general.

The Moon sextiled Venus during the film and this was related to the happiness I was feeling, the way I was using this second viewing to do away with boredom and get the maximum enjoyment and imaginal effect from the viewing.  I really went deep with it and felt great about it. 

So today went much better than expected and then tonight’s episode had a couple of rock-solid Buffynicites.  I’ve also got some other things for The Darkening and “Million Miles” to put up.  My trepidatious predictions from yesterday were too timid – today worked out pretty well, although I still have some anxiety about what it all ultimately means.

As for tomorrow the Moon will be in Virgo by the time I wake up, and Mercury will enter my natal Virgo tomorrow evening – it should be very powerfully magical.

lines from The Darkening

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The Darkening

“what’s making me insane is that music was always so beautiful.  It was the most beautiful thing in my life, but all it ever did was draw me further into darkness.  It’s a power that comes from outside my mind and moves everything around and I can never catch it.  When I was a little girl it was free but now it’s all machines and money and death.  How can the world exist like this?  How can it go on?"  Tears rolled down her face. 

(on her deathbed)
"They’re here, Victor.  They’re here to take me away.  Don’t be frightened.  I’ll always love you…"  she closed her eyes.

(a different scene, Becky discussing Goth)
"When we were goth we thought that death mattered,” said Becky.  “We were mourning the death of England.  We were reminding London that she used to represent something to the world and that Thatcher was killing what was left of it.  We didn’t want to be punk, we weren’t fighters, we were just finding ways to live in the darkness we felt was our inheritance.  But now there are almost twice as many people in the world.  What does death mean when you know that not only will there be a new child born to take your place, but three?  That the future is going to be a continuous crushing noise of more and more people, more and more forgetting?  Civilization is drowing beneath waves of people.”

(Jennifer, playing music)

“Who do you sing, when everything is song?” was the chorus.  Finally she finished.

“It’s beautiful,” said Victor.  “It’s haunting.  I’m sure you’ll haunt everyone who hears it.”

“It’s my last song.  It’s my last question.  I never figured it out, my whole life long. I just made music and everything in my life was this huge, empty space filled with sounds and I never found out who I was until I married you, Victor.  I never became anyone.  No one ever saw me.”

He put his arms around her.  “It’s my fault.  I should have married you twenty years ago.”

“I don’t know what it means!  I don’t know what it means!  There’s some presence, some presence I was always trying to reach with music, listening to it or playing it, I was trying to reach this presence and talk to it, but I never understood it and now it’s over, there are no more chances and it’s coming for me to take me away.  Did  I do anything?”

“You did something.  You did something.” he repeated.  “You were with me.  You made me love you and when it comes for you a part of me will go away with you and it and whenever I hear your music you will be with me.”

“I don’t want to let go!  I don’t want to let go!"  She made a fist and struck his shoulder as she cried.  "I want to bite you!  I want to kick you!”

“Go ahead,” he said, “You can’t do anything to make me stop loving you.”

(Becky and Victor, discussing goth and politics)

“There has to be something for me, Victor.  I spent my whole life helping people, and it doesn’t mean anything.  I spent my whole life reading books and thinking about writing and now every day meaning slips away.  We’re even going to war over imaginary weapons now, Bush and Blair just make these goddamn speeches about nothingness and the money moves and everything I ever believed about England is getting crushed into oblivion.  Do you remember when we used to talk about the Western Mind?  About what literature meant to the Western Mind?”

“Yes I do,” replied Victor.  “I remember.  Nothing mattered.  It didn’t matter what we said or did.  It was dying from the time Thatcher got elected, it just took twenty years.  Thatcher got elected and then John Lennon got shot and that was it.  It’s funny now that I think about it.  Could you think, maybe, of Goth as a kind of extended funeral for John Lennon?”

“That would be a way of looking at it, wouldn’t it?  I mean, at the time we thought there would be other things coming.  I did, anyway, I thought dark things would happen but I know I saw us as doing something, going somewhere.  I wish I could go back and relive that experience of hearing an album with a new sound and feeling like the world had moved.  I guess that’s what I miss the most.”

“How much of goth was a funeral for John Lennon, and how much of it could have existed outside the shadow of Margaret Thatcher?  I mean, a lot of them might not see it that way but the older I get the more I see it that way.  And I wonder about responsibility, you know?  That’s really something I might be able to figure out now.  At the time I was so confused.”

“I forgave Maggie a bit after I graduated school, going to work myself and all that.”

“I never did.  I hate her worse.  I hate her soul.  I hate her bloody soul and all this talk of nostalgia makes me think I should write a novel where a rock star discovers that the PM is a vampire and hacks her bloody head off.”

A Million Miles Away: In the End

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A Milliion Miles Away:  In the End

9:24 PM 7/23/2017  I’m writing two texts simultaneously tonight, because I’ve had one of the most intense, confusing, and successful weekends I can remember and there is a lot to sort out.  And not only am I sorting it out, but it’s coming down to specifics after years of vagueness.  For years I’ve wanted to write a book called “A Million Miles Away” based on rock singles that have influenced my life.  Baudelaire wrote a book called “Paris Spleen” which is my model – a series of prose poems depicting with “single-effect” precision various qualities of consciousness evoked by each song. 

I have felt prompted to begin this by the death of Chester Bennington.  As I’ve been recording in elsewhere, Bennington’s death was synchronous for me, in that it came two days after I had a vision of suicide by hanging right before I watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which a character commits suicide by hanging.  Bennington’s death by suicide was enough of a synchronicity, but then to find that he died by hanging, and that did so on the 53rd birthday of his friend Chris Cornell, who also died by hanging. 

There was a lot about his death that is going to take time for me to unravel.  It’s going to be a magical process.  The first step was that I was talking to his ghost, and the ghost of Chris Cornell, and I felt prompted to actually begin “A Million Miles Away” on my blog.  I already have a Pinterest board with that title, but I’ve begun to post lines from my story “The Darkening” on my blog and I’m finding they have a magical effect.  So now here’s a second book that I’m working on by means of this same technique, which I call “fractal zoom”.

9:40 PM 7/23/2017  I think Chester is going to help me heal damaged parts of my “mind”, or the fields of energy I perceive when I’m daydreaming about popular music.  Synchronistically, this process began a couple of days before I saw the Rolling Stones exhibit, “Exhibitionism” at Navy Pier, and then that night went to Ravinia to see Exene and John from X, Garbage, and Blondie.  It was a magical experience that clarified a lot of interior states for me and gave me even more to write about. 

There were other things that happened this weekend that also have to be tied together, like the sun entering Leo, Brian’s astrology salon on Thursday night, the release of a new Nine Inch Nails ep, and the opening of Luc Besson’s film Valerian and the struggle I had to get tickets for that.  There’s also some relatedness to upcoming events like the movies Atomic Blonde and Dunkirk, Flashback Weekend, and Wizard World.

I’m not sure what it all means but the synchronous death of Chester Bennington was the tipping point that brought me to begin writing about it, to take the process I began with The Darkening and apply it to “A Million Miles Away”.

So these entries will just be tentative lines and then later I’ll go back and pull them together for a finished manuscript, an effort to emulate Baudelaire’s Paris Spleen.