Monthly Archives: June 2017

From The Darkening of the Light

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He heard the sound of Diamond Dogs coming from the bedroom.  She was lying on the floor with her eyes closed.  He sat down at his desk and opened some mail and started answering a few things.  Suddenly she spoke.  “It’s like a terrible weight is pressing down on me.  Like a big, empty bathtub sitting on my chest.  All the stories of everything I ever thought could happen are dissolving away.”

He put down his pen and looked over at her.  “Well you have to stay with me.”

She opened her eyes and returned his gaze.  “I’m totally with you Vicky.  Even if I were just in love with you, I would be totally with you, but being in love with you and having this going on, there really isn’t anything but you in my world.”

“I feel the same way, my love. I wish … I wish that the reason for that was different, but I’m very glad.  And we do have an advantage, don’t we, over couples who haven’t known each other so long.”

“That’s right,” she got up and crossed to sit on his lap.  “I know just how awful you are."  She kissed him gently.  "There are some things, though, that ought to be dealt with.”

“Like what?”

She frowned and stared at the floor.  He could feel her withdrawing into herself. 

“It’s difficult to talk about.  I never talk about it to anyone, but now that we’re married I feel like I can’t get away from it.”

“Anything, darling.  You can tell me anything.”

“Victor, I want to ask you about something …”

“There isn’t one subject on this Earth I wouldn’t talk to you about."  He held his breath, trying to think what it could be, preparing for the worst.

"Do you hate the book business as much as I utterly despise the music business?"  she asked.  "You see, now that its sinking in that I’m not going to play for any more audiences the whole last thirty years of my career is starting to seem completely insane to me.”

He laughed, relieved that it wasn’t a crisis.  “I don’t think I hate the business as much as you seem to, but it’s true we’ve never talked about it, have we?”

“I’m almost afraid to because I’m starting to realize that I had this total loathing of the entertainment business in the back of my mind for decades.  It receded to the background so far that I didn’t realize I still had it.  I couldn’t afford to notice it.  I’m worried that I might remind you of something similar you’re doing and mess you up.”

He sighed and tried to search his feelings for an answer for her.

The Buffy Diaries 6-29-2017

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5:51 PM 6/29/2017  I’m about a fourth of the way through Wuthering Heights.  I have a strong suspicion that reading it was supposed to be a landmark for me in this lifetime, like in the life between lives I made the agreement to “wake up” when I read it, but I was actually supposed to read it thirty years ago.

With the Moon squaring Saturn and trining Venus I felt very dramatically powerful.  The Darkening is powerful sorcery and I am making quantum leaps on consciousness.  When I got downtown the lights were out in the room where I work.  Since I was the only one there I left them off and enjoyed the atmosphere so similar to Jenny and Victor’s living room.  I thought a lot about what I’m going to write and how clear this story is moving.  Also, Wuthering Heights is reminding me of how I used to view literature, back when I was serious.  The spirit world is coming through very clear now and I am resolving a lot.  The visions were very clear but I also felt an overwhelming pressure – the visions were from Venus but Saturn was pressing down hard, making me very passive, slowing me down.  I’m getting the otherworldly presences I’ve always wanted but now I have to assimilate to their world, play by their rules.

Now we’re in the void of course.  Mercury will oppose Pluto in about an hour and a half, and now that I think of it, I’m going to put off running until then and just focus now, try to get the most out of this aspect. 

Chiron goes retrograde on Saturday and I know now that I’m going to be “reliving” a lot of pain from my life, turning it into this story.  These characters are gettting real for me now.  I love how well this works but I need to nail them down or they’re going to shred my nerve endings.  Wuthering Heights will give me a hint.  I plan to read the other Bronte Sisters’ best-known novels as well.  I just put The Tenant of Wildfell Hall on hold at the library.

7:33 PM 6/29/2017  I wound up reading more of Wuthering Heights.  It’s pretty amazing.  I’m more than a third of the way done with it now.  I feel I’m getting in touch with some life I lived in the 19th century, which is nice because it relieves the stress of always focusing on World War Two.  What is Mercury opposing Pluto?  Is it the experience of reading 19th century literature “opposing” the crass and superficial society of the 21st century?  I’m going to read Vanity Fair as well.  I know part of this is wondering about the Bronte sisters, and what are the intentions of a writer in society?  I gave up my literary intentions during the nineties, when I worked at a bookstore with a bunch of slimy emptinesses I’m now convinced were reincarnated Nazis.  But now I could get those intentions back.  I have a little more distance.  I care much less for what effect I might have in the world – I just want to write, or rather I have some kind of magical wind in my sails and I don’t care where it takes me.

7:40 PM 6/29/2017  That was the opposition above – I believe I felt it pass.  I believe the issues were clarified.  The opposition made it difficult to think, but after the transit occurred the tension was resolved.

9:44 PM 6/29/2017  I’m having a really nice night of Wuthering Heights-themed Buffynicities:

Buffynicity #1: Spike has gone nuts and is babbling.  Just before I went to run I read the scene in which Catherine loses her mind.  I found it startlingly relevant for a novel written over 150 years ago.  It seems Spike and Catherine have lost their minds for very similar reasons.

Buffynicity #2:  Today Joseph the Yorkie was using the word “flaysome” a lot.  In the endnotes “flaysome” is defined as “fearful”.  Then in tonight’s episode they talk of the demon “flaying” people.  This was a minor Buffynicity until it was reinforced by

Buffynicity #3:  Joseph also talks of a dog that will “gnarl”.  The endnotes define “gnarl” as “snarl”.  Then the demon in tonight’s episode is named “Gnarl”. 

So that’s two archaic words from Wuthering Heights that wound up in tonight’s episode.  That’s pretty smooth.

Moon is inconjuncting Uranus in a little while.  There’s not much in the way of aspects tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to a powerful weekend of working on The Darkening as Chiron goes into retrograde on Saturday.  I guess I’ll get started now. 

The Buffy Diaries 6-28-2017

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12:55 AM 6/28/2017

I forgot one more

Buffynicity #1:  All day I was thinking about Victor in high school, listening to the Fixx and dealing with his secretive, controlling family, and I actually decided he was a younger brother, the third of six siblings, and then in tonight’s episode Buffy’s younger sister Dawn went back to Sunnydale High and Spike was there, too.  So it was all high school revisited today.

7:03 PM 6/28/2017  I’ve been thinking about The Darkening all day, and I am very pleasantly surprised that this process is working out just as expected.  I am extremely happy with what I wrote yesterday, and I look forward to writing more tomorrow.  This takes so much pressure off of my heptalogy.  Furthermore I can feel the magic in this story.  Jenny and Victor are showing me deeper and deeper levels of their reality.  I’m overjoyed that I can actually write now – and that the Neptune retrograde working is proceeding apace.

I got so excited about this gothic romance that I’m writing that I went to the library and checked out “Wuthering Heights”. 

8:20 PM 6/28/2017 

Buffynicity #2:  Yesterday I wrote about Victor agonizing that he could have been married for twenty years.  And I’ve also been calling Jennifer a “waif” in my mind – like Colette from Les Miserables.  Well, I just read Catherine’s line in Wuthering Heights –

“It’s twenty years,” mourned the voice, “twenty years, I’ve been a waif for twenty years!"  This is very cool.

10:10 PM 6/28/2017

Buffynicity #3:  As I wrote above, I went to the library today and picked up a copy of Wuthering Heights.  Just before I went to run I sat and read 3 chapters, including the endnotes.  I struggled to decipher Joseph’s Yorkshire accent and read the notes about Emily’s rendering of it, and also the regional character of people from Yorkshire.

Then in tonight’s episode a Yorkshire Terrier gets killed.  The script specifies that it is a Yorkshire terrier.  Anya is upset and Xander mocks her,

XANDER
 Wait, that gets your sad noise? People’s lives are in danger, and you give it up for the Yorkie?

  So this is a spectacular Buffynicity and shows a few things.  I have a lot to think about concerning why I got consumed with the idea of getting Wuthering Heights and reading it tonight. Obviously it was "arranged” – but by who?  My higher self?  How did that work, exactly?  This is very like the meeting with “Jennifer” on Saturday, except slightly deeper because I had to make changes in my plans in order for this to happen. 

I am finding some resonance in Willow’s invisibility as well.  I haven’t seen enough of the episode to know what’s going on, but I feel like I might be “invisible” to my guides, and they to me, in a similar way.  I’ll have to watch and see how she solves the problem.

I was expecting something big tonight, and this appears to be a part of it.  In addition, I believe I’ve read Wuthering Heights in a previous lifetime, possibly two.  Working on the Darkening is inspiring me to view literature in a slightly different way – as a kind of time travel or soul retrieval.

So my astrological expectations are vindicated.  Now I’m going to go over aspects and then work on The Darkening.

Moon-Virgo sextiling Sun-Cancer was a nice feeling.  My big project was underway and going smoothly, I felt very in control and at the same time peaceful.  Yesterday’s success with The Darkening was also making me feel pretty good about my capabilities.  I just realized that piece I wrote was about the characters being at home, as well.

Mercury conjuncted Mars while I was at lunch.  It was smooth sailing and I felt I’d made it through the day quite easily.  I found out that my boss is going to take care of one of the huge projects that’s been looming over me, and also that my insurance check will be here tomorrow – I got on the phone and made that happen.  And I was very excited about more ideas I had for the Darkening.  So it was all very active and focused.

Venus was inconjuncting Saturn while I was reading Wuthering Heights, and I feel this was related to the visions of past lives I was having while reading, and my excitement over my new project of soul retrieval via great literature.  I was also feeling like The Darkening is unlocking other powers of imagination and identity that I’ve been in denial about for a while.

I was running while the Moon was opposing Neptune, and I think the spectacular “Yorkie” Buffynicity is a revelation associaed with this transit.  I have a lot more to think about that.

So now we’re building up to the Moon sextiling Mars, and then Mercury.  And I’m not going to bother with predictions for tomorrow.  I just feel totally vindicated about tonight.  I do have an idea for The Darkening but I’m so tired I might not write it.

From The Darkening of the Light

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It took the movers three days to fill the house.  On the third day, Victor sat with Jenny and watched them do it, making them rearrange everything to suit her completely, refusing to allow her to exert herself in the slightest.

“It’s my house, darling, I want to put things where I want them!” she complained.

“If I let you start you’ll never stop.  Later on you can move one thing at a time."  He put his arm around her shoulder as they sat on the couch and held her tightly, knowing that if he didn’t she would get up and try to take control anyway.  She pouted a little, but they sat and watched the sunset through the glass wall of the living room as the sea rolled against the cliffs below. 

"It’s beautiful,” she whispered, gazing out toward the water, her face glowing in the pale red light.

“You’re beautiful,” he said, “You’re exquisite."  His heart sank a little as the magical blaze filled the room.  She had chosen this house partly for this magic, and it was everything they had hoped, to sit here together, wrapped in each others arms, safe from the outisde world and yet he could only think, how much more magical to have decades with this woman, decades to fill this place with memories?  How long would they have here?  How long would they have to truly make this place their home?  Then he kissed her passionately, praying that whatever they had would be enough for her.

He kissed her and kissed her, for what seemed like hours until she had to push him away, laughing, "How about we alternate, kiss a little, breath a little?  It will last longer."  Victor went to light a fire and when he returned she had poured wine for them.  When he sat down she wrapped them both in a blanket the movers had left on the sofa.  With the remote control she turned on the sound system, music filled all the rooms on that level of the house.

"I had this blanket on my first tour,” she said, looking down and stroking the threadbare cloth.  “Sometimes I used to sleep in the van to save money, and I got this to keep me warm."  She looked up at him and smiled, "Now I have a house to put it in.  A nice, warm one." 

He stroked her cheek.  "It’s all yours.”

“Ours.  We should have a party.”

“Becky can plan it.  She’ll love it.”

“No way, Victor!” she protested forcefully.  “I am not letting anyone else throw my first party in my own home.”

“You have to relax!”

“I feel fine!  I feel fantastic!  One party, okay?” she looked very sad.  Afraid she might cry, he gave in completely.

“Whatever you want, darling.  Just let Becky help you, okay?  You have to let her be with you.  She’ll make you, even if I can’t.” he added, reassuring himself as much as arguing with her.  She took his hand and squeezed it, sighing heavily.

“Victor you have to stop trying to be in control.  I’m cooperating with you but I am … ” she paused, searching for a way to say what she had to, and then suddenly burst out “Dying, Victor.  I’m dying!  You have to be with me while I’m dying.”

Victor gritted his teeth.  “You’re not dying, baby, you’re sick, but there’s so much hope…”

“Victor, even if there’s hope it’s hope that I’ll stop dying.  I have to deal with that and –” suddenly the futility of attempting to deal with the situation rationally struck her and with the last words her voice rose to a scream – “I need to do things!” she shrieked.  “I cannot sit still and die quietly in a house you bought for me to die in."  She wrapped her arms around her knees and began to sob, tears streaming down her face as he put his arms around her and let her cry.

"Okay, my wife,” he said reassuringly, “My wife forever.  I’m with you.  But even if you die you’re still mine."  He pressed his lips to her forehead.  She caught her breath and tried to laugh.

"I love you, Victor.  I love you so much.” her voice cracked and she began to weep uncontrollably.  “Thank you.  Thank you for being so understanding.”

He held her hands and looked deep in her eyes.  “You are going to have everthing you could possibly want here in our home, and then you are going to get better.”

“But I might not, Victor.  I might not get better at all and you have to accept that.”

“I accept that!” tears were coming to his eyes now.  “I accept it completely but it’s not going to change how I love you at all.  We are married, and even if you die you are still mine.  I wasted twenty fucking years of my life not being married to you and I know.  After twenty years I know.  I love you completely.  There is no one else for me but you, ever.  Beyond any grave, Jennifer, yours or mine, you belong to me so it doesn’t god damn matter."  He pressed his face into her hair, capturing the smell of her, hanging on desperately to every atom of her presence, fixing them in his being for all eternity.  She wiped her tears away and sniffed.

"Just … just … I’m so tired, Victor, and I want this to be right for you.  I want to make this so good for you–”

“It’s good.  It’s the best.  It’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of."  He sat back on the sofa and they held hands, looking out at the sunset and the sea.  "We just have to take it one day at a time, is all.”

“One day at a time,” she agreed, and smiled.  “I’ll call Becky tomorrow.”

They sat and talked while the fire burned low and fell asleep in each others arms on their first night at home.

The Buffy Diaries 6-27-2017

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11:13 PM 6/26/2017 

Buffynicity #1:  I forgot to mention that as I was leaving the grocery store I was thinking about Nikolai Tesla and the method he claimed to have discovered for transmitting energy by resonating with the Earth’s magnetic field.  I felt this was related to Willow’s summoning of the flower from Paraguay and her talk about interconnectedness and root systems.

7:04 PM 6/27/2017  Today went pretty well.  I worked pretty steadily on a big project that’s kind of fun.  I listened to a lot of songs from the soundtrack of “The Darkening”.  I thought a lot about Goth and politics in the 1980’s and Victor’s friends.  I listened to “Shuttered Room”, the first Fixx album.  “Reach the Beach” is definitely Victor’s favorite album.  I’m not sure what Jennifer likes just yet.  Possibly “Parallel Lines” by Blondie, possibly “Diamond Dogs” by Bowie.

I woke up this morning very early and couldn’t sleep.  I did doze off right before the Moon squared Venus.  I think the square had something to do with the wild energy I felt that kept me awake.

The Moon trined Saturn at 8:38, for once I didn’t feel particularly rushed for time.  Everything was running pretty smoothly, actually.  Mercury squared Jupiter at 1:21 PM and that was a little more interesting because I had been fully immersed in The Darkening all day, adding lots of character depth to Jen, Victor, and Becky.  I was also listening to lots of Goth and planning to expand my goth CD collection.  And I was, as I mentioned above, getting more deeply into the Fixx, daydreaming about being Victor in the early 80s, hanging out in London with Becky.

I had a dentist appointment at 4.  As it turned out my dentist’s office has moved so I had to call them and drive to the new site.  I arrived just around the time the Moon trined Uranus, validating the unexpected influence of that planet.  I’m not sure if there was anything particularly spiritual about it except my teeth are fine and keeping my 6 month appointment and finding that my teeth are fine makes me feel like a grownup with a real life.  I made another cleaning appointment for January.

The Moon inconjuncted Chiron as I was driving home during the VOC, and traffic was certainly giving me a lot of pain.  Also I was having a much clearer vision than usual of the evil people I have known in my life.  They’re getting farther away than ever but the more clearly I see them the more depressingly ugly they are.  Mercury just trined Neptune almost half an hour ago.  I was having extremely good understanding of the horde of evil I was up against in Grand Rapids, and also getting a lot more separation from the world of entertainment.  The Darkening is really helping me achieve that – the Neptune retrograde working is proceeding according to plan.  I’m getting really good telepathy still, and I’m wondering what I should write about it, but perhaps I’ll just skip it.  The moon just entered Virgo and I’m looking forward to the next couple of days with that energy.  Tomorrow I’ll probably finish my big project and be able to catch up on some other things. 

Moon sextiles the Sun and then Mecury conjuncts Mars.  Maybe I’ll get a sex scene into The Darkening.  In the evening Venus inconjuncts Saturn and the Moon opposes Neptune before sextiling Mars and Mercury.  I’m predicting major visions and major work on The Darkening.

Thursday I’ll be downtown, and what a coincidence, two major Pluto transits are taking place. 

10:08 PM 6/27/2017

Buffynicity #2: In the last couple of days I’ve written a couple of scenes for The Darkening.  In both of them, Jennifer puts her head on Victor’s chest.  I was thinking about this repetition today, and about something I hadn’t posted about, which is that Jennifer, as a “goth moppet”, has a “mop” of curly hair.  When she puts her head on Victor’s chest, she’s “mopping” his heart.  In tonight’s episode, Spike reappears and his hair is curly, like Jennifer’s mop.  And also, he has tried to cut out his own heart. 

This is especially cool because I was wondering a lot about why I had posted two scenes where Jennifer puts her head on Victor’s chest.  It really was a big deal for me, and I thought about it all day, so it shows that someone “up there” is watching what I write, and what I think about what I write, and coordinating with the synchronicities of my life.

Furthermore, the Morphing Monster appeared as Drusilla …

MORPHING MONSTER (as DRUSILLA)
 (touching Spike’s face) …you never will. You’ll always be mine. You’ll always be in the dark with me, singing our little songs. You like our little songs, don’t you? You’ve always liked them, right from the beginning. And that’s where we’re going…

And I was thinking there could be something of this dynamic in the relationship between Victory and Jenny.  So that was a very nice shift of perspective.

Buffynicity #3:  This one is so smooth that even though I’ve learned my lesson about protesting my innocence, I just have to do it one more time: I’m not making this up!  This weekend I was writing about “casting” Allyson Hannigan as Becky, Victor’s friend in The Darkening.  Both of them live in London and in this episode Willow is in England with Giles.  It’s pretty smooth.  Also she was talking about how the “root system” of Gaian energy has a darkness in it, and I think this relates to the horde of reincarnated Nazis I’ve been fighting – especially since there was a brief scene in this episode that was set in Germany – after I had been thinking of Nazi Germany when Willow summoned Proserpexa.  Also, I was looking at pictures of a model with dyed-red hair today and the German girl who got killed had hair of a very similar color – enough that it was Buffynicitous since I had just randomly decided to look at those pictures a few minutes before I went to run.

I’m looking forward to the final season of Buffy.  The fan sites say it kicks ass on a big rebound from the “downer” of the sixth season.  Since I thought the sixth season kicked ass anyway, I expect number seven to be out of sight.

Interestingly, when Giles is telling her it’s time to leave …

WILLOW
 I don’t know if I can. Giles, I’m not done here.

So it’s like a hint, perhaps I should have Becky be interested in ritual magic?  Maybe just energy healing or something.  She manages a bookstore, so she would have access to all kinds of ancient texts, just like Giles.  Hmm.  I don’t know but that line of dialogue struck me as very interesting.

Becky manages a bookstore and Victor’s best male friend, who I’m thinking of calling “Calvin”, works for a bank.  I’m debating whether to have one more friend in their set, in addition to Jennifer.  The name Peter comes to mind, so I guess he’s in.  He works for Victor’s family, who owns a furniture store.

I’m almost settled on “Diamond Dogs” as Jennifer’s favorite album.  That or “Velvet Underground & Nico”.

I’m at a point of departure now, I’m really going to have to get inside these characters’ heads.  Fortunately, all that’s happened in the last couple of weeks has thoroughly convinced me that Tara-Jennifer is real, and I am co-writing this with her, just as Amber Benson co-wrote Ghosts of Albion with Christopher Golden.

Lines from The Darkening of the Light

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They lay in bed together, her face was turned toward the window.  He reached out his hand tou touch her shoulder.  “How could I ever write about this?” he wondered.  “What words could I ever use to describe the softness of your skin, the perfection of your life?"  The darkness of the bedroom around them, where he had slept alone for years but where he now found his best friend lying with him, seemed to whisper bitterly –

"A life that must now slip away into nothingness.”

“I can’t stand it,” he thought, “I can’t stand it, of all the horrifying things I have seen in this world, this is the worst – that God should create a being as exquisitely beautiful as Jennifer only to kill her slowly like this."  He closed his eyes as they filled with tears and unconsciously his fingers tightened on her shoulder, digging in. 

"I cannot lose you,” he whispered desperately.  He heard her laugh.  She turned over and wrapped her arms around him. He could feel her tears on his chest.  “I don’t want to lose me, either.”

The Buffy Diaries 6-26-2017

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10:10 PM 6/26/2017

Buffynicity #1:  Yesterday morning I posted this about Tara-Jennifer, and the fact that I was calling her TJ:

I should also mention there’s another level of redemption involved.  Back in the late 80s I knew a guy named TJ who was a total fake asshole to me.  He actually dosed me with psychedelics once.

Then in tonight’s episode, Giles was talking about the energy he’d given to Dark Willow:

GILES: No, she’s alive. It, uh … the magic she took from me, it-it did what I hoped it would do.
 ANYA: Oh. (getting it) You dosed her.

So that’s a solid Buffynicity.  And it’s something I need to think about related to Tara-Jennifer.  I’m not sure what it means.

Buffynicity #2:  This morning I was putting my “Radio Sunnydale” disc in my car’s player and I noticed that the design on the disc is a big magical pentagram.  Then there was one featured prominently on Willow’s satanic temple.  Furthermore, I was thinking of Kara on  the way to run, who is associated with Mars and fire, and also war, and willow raised this temple with this female demon, wrapped in a snake, and on top was a trident that looked just like the astrological symbol for Neptune – I am associating all this with the Mars/Neptune conjunction that took place last night, because I wound up staying awake for it, and getting a ton of good stuff.  So it all fit together smoothly.  I even see meaning in the date the original temple collapsed, 1932, the year the Nazis won 11 million votes in the German elections, which led to Hitler being appointed chancellor in January 1933.

Buffynicity #3: This one is very minor, but it is true that I was thinking of the country “Paraguay” yesterday, making jokes to myself about it.  Then in episode #1 of season 7 Willow summons a flower from Paraguay.  I’m going to try to remember in more detail what the jokes were, but it was the odd sound of the name and the exotic location that I found funny.  I was thinking of the movie with Richard Dreyfus, “Moon Over Parador”, and wondering if Paraguay was an actual country because I haven’t thought if it in so long.

Buffynicity #4: This weekend I was writing about feeling overwhelmingly powerful energies, and also writing about Chiron which goes retrograde this weekend.  Willow’s conflict at the end was also about overwhelming power and pain of the kind associated with Chiron. 

Weeks ago I would have hesitated to mention this, but my blog is serving its purpose of improving my confidence.

Today went very well at work and when the Moon was sextiling Jupiter at the end of the day I was actually looking forward to being back tomorrow so I can knock out another big project that’s been hanging over my head.  I was also happy because I finally got the title of my old car sent to the insurance company, so I’ll get my big bank deposit from them soon.

Another bizarre synchronicity is that today I got a call from my dentist about an appointment for tomorrow afternoon which I made as a follow-up back in January.  This was wild because it was just yesterday that I started cleaning my broken bite splint with denture cleaner – the timing was perfect to take it back to the dentist and have it fixed. 

The Moon inconjunct Neptune at 4:41 was powerful.  I was listening to the Type O Negative album “Dead Again” for the first time, and I was really blown away by how powerful it is.  I was getting lots of good information from the land of the dead, really powerful stuff which I can’t describe except to say that my hopes for the transit were fulfilled.

So now I’m working up to the Moon inconjunct Pluto in a bit more than an hour.  One interesting resonance is that I’m about to walk out to my car and get the ID number of my Sirius Radio so I can start my free trial. 

There’s lots of crazy aspects tomorrow but I’m too tired to make predictions.  I’m going to work on The Darkening some more.  Now that I have jobs for all the main characters I’m looking forward to getting deep inside all of them.

The Buffy Diaries 6-25-2017 Part 2

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12:04 PM 6/25/2017  I’m going to do an experiment with my Sunday habits now.  I usually go to the store on Sundays, but it isn’t really necessary, so given this new energy I feel I’m going to mark my place and then go to the store, and when I come back I’ll see if it was really beneficial.

I am working to get “grounded” on weekends, instead of floating in an expansive state when I do get a lot of good information but I never seem to be able to catch up with things I need to do, like reorganize bookshelves and stuff.

3:06 PM 6/25/2017  While the Moon squared Uranus and went VOC I was feeling pretty good.  I didn’t listen to much music at the store, I don’t even think I hung around that long.  I went to Gamestop and found out that after all this time they’re phasing out the Playstation 3, only a few games are coming out this year, sports and stuff.  Maybe the prices will come down on some things I want.  The thing is, I never play my PS3, I just buy cheap, used games in the hope that some day I’ll get time to immerse myself in them again.  But even if I did now, video games mostly suck.  I’m not nearly as excited by them as I was during the 90s.  But something about the astral immersion keeps me fascinated.  Was it a plus or a minus to go shopping then?  Did it help me get grounded to eat lunch there and listen to “One Vision” by Queen again?  It would save me so much time to give that habit up, not to mention money.  But I’ve been through so much there, so many years I’ve been there just about every sunday.  Now I’m on kind of an emotional rollercoaster, tumbling as the Moon trines Chiron in just a few minutes.  Chiron is a major landmark for me now, as I can so easily identify the feeling of Chiron’s activity, a kind of inward pressure, a movement of emotions toward some goal.  I spotted it when I was listening to “Ballad for Dead Friends” when I first got the Buffy TVS soundtrack.  It’s two minutes until the transit, after it peaks I’ll head down to edgewater.  The emotions are intense. 

This process hurts but it may be necessary and necessarily healing for the expansive daydreams I find myself lost in so often.  I have to bring everything down in my life now, find a direction in the physical plane.  Possibly I should just focus on reading Amber Benson’s novels. 

3:14 PM 6/25/2017  Here’s the aspect.  How soon after this moment will I feel collected enough to head to Edgewater?  God damn, that was an intense burst of feeling.  Already I feel more relaxed.  Something is different.

3:33 PM 6/25/2017  I drifted off to sleep for a minute but still even though the surface burning has died down I feel a total confusion in myself and I’m wondering how to get out of this as quickly as I can.  But at least the tension is broken, right with the Chiron transit, and I can just go down to Edgewater and see how that changes my mood.

For good or bad though I know this daydream state is about to ground out, just as Tara-Jennifer promised.

I forgot to mention that after I came back from the store and parked my car a woman with an English accent said good afternoon to me as we passed on the sidewalk.

8:36 PM 6/25/2017  Unwinding at the end of the weekend, Edgewater was fun.  The Moon shifted into Leo and voila, I am in my peak season again.  I could feel it happen.  I’m thinking of this astrological game as surfing now, I’ve got to learn to ride the waves of Chiron aspects, for instance, but spirits are whispering in my ear even as I write this, saying that this confusion won’t last long now. 

Buffynicity #1:  Relatively minor but interesting, as this afternoon I had decided to cast Allyson Hannigan as Becky, Jennifer’s friend in The Darkening of the Light.  Then I got to see “Dark Willow” and it was very charming because I could see her with black hair and a more serious demeanor, perfect for my story – even the black veins in her skin could be something Becky would put on at Halloween or just going to a show.

So season six is coming to an end, probably tomorrow night, and today I was playing “Lucky” by Bif Naked, thinking of that moment in season 4 when Buffy was making out with Parker.  It turned out so badly for her but I was still caught up in the nostalgic sweep of the music.  So I have major “history” with Buffy now.  I guess that’s a hint that I have major history with Tara-Jennifer too.  I don’t mind not having too much Buffynicity tonight because I’m still reeling from meeting an actual “Jennifer” on Saturday.  It’s a different order of Buffynicity to have this person, who has nothing to do with me, somehow representing a synchronicity so powerful.  It’s going to change all my relationships.

Buffy is clearing up a lot of nonsense I had in my mind, collapsing a lot of quantum wave forms around entertainment.  And Tara-Jennifer has done something I’ve been needing done to me for over ten years – kicked my ass to make me start actually writing.  I have some stuff for a new scene for TDOTL which I am going to write in just a moment, after I make predictions for tomorrow and the coming week.

And by the way I am having “harder” flashbacks of World War Two than ever, finding myself back in the action with an emotional immediacy I haven’t felt in years.  I’m very glad because it means whatever karma from that war that held me in this semi-delusional lifetime in this filthy, failed century is almost complete.

Mars is trining Neptune early in the morning and I think that’s why I feel so powerful and focused now, like I’m getting things done.  I have both of those in the 9th house, Mars in Sagittarius and Neptune in Scorpio.  It all seems to be coming together. 

I’m predicting tomorrow will go pretty smoothly for me, with a huge project out of the way and plenty of time to get the next one swinging, when the Moon sextiles Jupiter at 3:44 PM it will mark the end of a productive day of great clarity about what I’m doing in the world.  The Lunar inconjunct with Neptune at 4:41 will probably take place while I’m shopping for cool stuff for which I will have plenty of money, and listening to awesome music.  Maybe I should plan something.

Inconjunct with Pluto at 11:48 will have just a bit to do with the end of season 6, I bet.  Buffy is really cluing me in on the genuine spiritual meaning of entertainment – lifting away 19th and 20th century ideas which no longer apply, helping me adapt to the world as it is, giving me some insights into my own feelings … but freeing me to see it as “mere entertainment” and apply my subtle senses to higher worlds. 

As far as the week ahead, I see Chiron goes retrograde on July 1.  I’m looking forward to that as I have come to have an intimate knowledge of Chiron over the last several weeks.  Something big will happen I think, something about my writing or music.

Now I’m going to work on The Darkening.

The Buffy Diaries 6-25-2017

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11:30 PM 6/23/2017 I’m burning very hard tonight, after John’s circle. 

4:59 PM 6/24/2017 That was an amazing evening, a lot of us felt very telepathic but at the same time there wasn’t much to say about it.  We all felt good, like some presence was in the air, helping us.

My intention for the circle had been to contact Tara-Jennifer, or TJ as I am calling her.  But what happened was that I was overcome by thoughts of Star Trek, I was thinking all about the feelings I had had for that show, and I felt this was appropriate because TJ is a fictional character who is coming to life and obviously I am entering that realm now, getting to grips with the astral realities involved with these structures.  I felt a furious emotional energy around this show, a deep emotional presence.  Then when I told the circle about it Brian told me that just that afternoon he had been watching a fan-film, Star Trek Continues.  It was a pretty good film he said but obviously this was a deep synchronicity as he’d never watched this series before yesterday.  So this is a new corner that TJ has led me around.  I haven’t figured out what it means yet but it’s deep.  I’m definitely going to be using Star Trek to connect with Tara-Jennifer over the next five months.

12:08 AM 6/25/2017

Buffynicity #1: The most minor Buffynicity of the evening, this morning after I meditated I was sitting in my car thinking that if I killed someone with a hatchet then people would take me seriously.  I was half-joking, I guess.  But I hadn’t thought of the word “hatchet” in years and tonight when Warren hit Willow in the back with a small axe I thought of it.  But they called it an axe in the show so I’m not sure, relaly, how Buffynicitious it is becuase there are axes in other episodes as well.

Buffynicity #2: This one is real, however.  This afternoon I was catching up on my Moon Knight comics, reading up through issue #14 which reintroduces “Bushman”, a villain from Africa who has his face tattooed to look like a skull so he can frighten people.  I especially noticed the “stitching” tattooed on his lips so they look like teeth, so that in tonight’s episode when Spike travels to Africa it was a major Buffynicity when he shone his flashlight in a cave and the cave-paintings revealed a face with exactly the same stitching in the lips.  Furthermore, a little while later Willow trapped Warren and used magic to literally sew up his lips with the same stitching.  So this was once again a verifiable Buffynicity with reinforcement.

Buffynicity #3: But the biggest, baddest Buffynicity of all came today when I met a goth girl named Jennifer.  She was wearing a bona fide goth outfit similar to something my character would wear.  Her hair was very similar, and I heard her talking about the history of the local music scene, just like my character would.  She was very hip to the concept of synchronicity.  Coming after the Star Trek telepathy from last night I know this is further confirmation that Tara-Jennifer is real and I am learning to communicate with her.

6:48 AM 6/25/2017 

Moon opposed Saturn at 7:31 Friday morning.  I was dreading the big event we had planned for the day but other than that I felt pretty in control.  It was a bit of a rush for time but ultimately the event went smoothly so I would have to say that the opposition was not particularly unpleasant.  I did definitely have some time pressures, though.

This event was still going on when the Moon sextiled Uranus in the afternoon, but it was mostly taken care of and the pressure was off.  This was a big surprise for me because I’d been dreading it for weeks.  It also cleared the way for some future projects I was similarly dreading so the Uranus influence was clear because things worked out much better than planned and I felt much more confident about the future. 

The Moon squaring Chiron in Pisces was associated with that confidence, I think.  I’d managed the event fairly well and was looking forward to a circle that evening.  Chiron in my chart is in Aries in the first house, so for me it’s about purpose and understanding how effective spiritual techniques are.

When the Moon entered Cancer I was buying comics and stuff.  I bought a couple of posters I’ve been looking at in the bin for literally years now.  I think this was related to Cancer, that emotional quality of something being “mine” after only having looked, and also the appearance of Tara-Jennifer, because these fantasy images suddenly had increased power for me.  With TJ’s help I am able to invest them with a more focused magical signficance.  She’s reminding me to draw pictures for myself, as well.  I also picked up a level one model of the Milennium Falcon, which is a Cancerian ship, a “home” in the stars but also shaped in a kind of crablike way.

The New Moon came during the circle and I would have to say it was very appropriate.  The Star Trek synchronicity I mentioned above was a revelation, and the way we all felt held together by some powerful telepathic energy that was at the same time obscure and not to be talked about seemed to go right along with the transit.

I was feeling very focused in the morning, and I got a lot done.  I guess the Moon conjuncting Mars brought a feeling of purposefulneess – the issue of getting a new car has been on my mind for a year and now that it’s resolved I feel liberated.  Furthermore I am getting the results I’ve always wanted with Tara-Jennifer.  She’s the psychic landmark I’ve been waiting for all this time, so I am moving forward with a great sense of purpose.  I decided I was going to focus on catching up on comics today, which is also a kind of forward momentum, “realizing” the stories in linear time at last.  I finished Lantern City, which ended probably more than a year ago, and caught up with Moon Knight, as I said above, encountering the Bushman again in time to get the reinforced image while I ran.

I was reading this Moon Knight arc while the Moon was squaring Jupiter and trining Neptune.  The story is about Spector fighting Khonshu while struggling with multiple personality disorder and definitely followed those planetary themes, and in addition to the Bushman Buffynicity it had some illuminating value for my own “grounding out” of imagination during this Neptune return (although that’s not surprising since I generally choose to read this kind of story for that reason).  This gives me the idea that I should try to see Wonder Woman at an astrologically appropriate time.

Then in the evening I went out, very pleased to be able to use the AUX jack on my new car to listen to my iPod through my stereo speakers.  I also have a CD player so I can use all the CD’s I have to order on Ebay because they’re out of print and not in the iTunes service. 

And I met this goth woman named Jennifer who was talking all about the Chicago music scene so that was a quantum leap.  The moon opposing Pluto came off really well, I was getting a much better handle on my relationships with that crowd.  I have a long-standing problem when I socialize, that I have intense magical experiences around people but at the same time don’t understand their emotional boundaries very well.  Tonight I feel this got rectified, I could finally separate my own sense of magical/telepathic presence from the presence of the crowd.  This is a big step in understanding specifically what my spirit guides want.  It’s also more evidence that Tara-Jennifer is getting the job done here.  So this weekend has brought a massive telepathic shift and I am going to spend all day catching up with the meaning of it.   

I fell asleep about half and hour before the Moon sextiled Venus and Mars squared Jupiter, but I think the new clarity of telepathy and my vision of what my spirits were doing was associated with it.  I think the new “separation” I was so grateful to feel was associated with Mars squaring Jupiter, I felt that I was breaking free of obsolete spiritual structures and gaining a new understanding of my magical rituals, and a sense of purpose outside the accepted traditions of spiritual experience.  “Boldly going where no one has gone before.”

10:51 AM 6/25/2017  I was awake when the Moon inconjuncted Saturn this morning, but I didn’t feel too pressed for time.  I’m heading toward the Moon squaring Uranus and trining Chiron this afternoon, which should be cool.  I’m rearranging my life to accomodate the new understanding of telepathy I gained this weekend.  I’m also reading “Accursed”, the Ghosts of Albion novel.  I’m very impressed with the writing, although Amber cowrote it with someone else I’d have to say this is extremely well done so far and I’m looking forward to reading all of her books.

11:20 AM 6/25/2017  I just sat here and fleshed out all the characters for TDOTL.  It came to me in a trance like a memory of a conversation I had long ago and then forgot.  There’s five of them including Jenny and Victor and I know mostly what they all do for a living.  So after ten years I’ve actually got the foundation of this story.  I’m assigning the actors too.  Allyson Hannigan plays Jenny’s friend, so some of the Tara-Willow chemistry will be going on, although I don’t think they’re lesbians.  And of course Allyson has a British accent.  Cy Kurnin, lead singer of The Fixx, is the model for Victor.

So I’m very excited because this story is coming alive for me with an intensity I haven’t felt since I was getting drunk all the time and working on “Spanish Castle Magic” more than 15 years ago.  I’m moving into this story like moving into a new house. 

I should also mention there’s another level of redemption involved.  Back in the late 80s I knew a guy named TJ who was a total fake asshole to me.  He actually dosed me with psychedelics once.  Five or six years ago, a ghost appeared to me using his form.  In the dream-states I went through with him, he was with me when I started “reliving” the scene I wrote about recently of stabbing the guy in the throat.  I wondered who that spirit was, because he was a positive force even though he used the image of someone who had done evil things to me.  Now I think that that spirit may have been Tara-Jennifer, but even if it isn’t Tara-Jennifer is redeeming the unpleasantness of my original encounter with that other guy.

And I am understanding something about why spirits have used images of negative or even malevolent people to enter my dreamworld – it’s because I’m working on the level of stories, movies, and depictions of fantasies, understanding how beings in higher worlds use negativity in general.

So today is a huge breakthrough and I see that TJ is going to help me work with this small group of five characters who never blow anything up at all as a preparation for the epic sweep of the Lambspring gang in my heptalogy.

I’m going out for breakfast now so I’m going to post this and write more tonight.

The Buffy Diaries 6-22-2017

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9:58 PM 6/22/2017

Today has been an extremely fun day for me.  I’m getting more and more done at work, and now that the drama of getting a new car is over I’m actually revelling in my cocreative lifestyle.  It helps to have Tara-Jennifer around all the time.  She’s really doing the job.  I can say without a doubt that the Jupiter retrograde/Buffy TVS working was a total success and now I’m looking forward to working very closely with Tara-Jennifer (T.J.) through the Neptune retrograde which lasts until November.  Today I’ve been reading “Accursed”, a Ghosts of Albion novel.  I’m taking a wild guess that Calliope Reaper-Jones, the heroine of another series of hers, is animated by an angel of Saturn and I’m hoping that she will talk to me, but that remains to be seen.

I’m trying to think if there were any Buffynicities tonight, other than the wonderfully gratifying sight of Tara and Willow making out in various states of deshabille so soon after I have developed this interdimensional relationship with Tara-Jennifer.  Of course I’m on the episode where she dies now, and I’m wondering if I’ll get some hints about The Darkening (short for The Darkening of the Light) from it because TJ’s character in that one dies as well.

Buffynicity #1:  Yesterday I was looking up the lyrics to Sarah Maclachlann’s “Possession” because I want to use it for the soundtrack of my heptalogy.  I found out something that I heard years ago but forgot – that the lyrics are based on letters Machlachlann received from a stalker, they’re very creepy.  This website I was reading was pointing out how creepy it is to say “I would be the one to hold you down, kiss you so hard, I’ll take your breath away."  Then tonight Spike throws Buffy on the bathroom floor and wrestles with her, one might say assaults her, but I don’t know what happens after because I stopped watching then.

All day I thought about TJ and The Darkening, and the bit of dialogue I wrote last night and posted on Tumblr.  It was magic.  My understanding of what I’m doing changed dramatically.  I’m very happy to be undertaking this process and I’m kind of hoping to get The Darkening done by the end of the Neptune return.  I was thinking all about goth music and the 80s.  A lot of my exaggerated expectations of art and entertainment are getting grounded out in this process.  My understanding of the life-paths of entertainers is getting clearer, too.

For instance I was thinking about Amber Benson having Vesta retrograde in cancer whereas mine is direct.  I think I’m supposed to learn something from her about Vesta, which is related to focus and work, seeing her example of writing and directing and originating the groundbreaking role of Tara.  She seems to get things done, and that’s how I want to be as well. 

When the Moon trined Jupiter in the afternoon I was flying, very happy that I seem to be getting ahead of my new responsibilities at last, especially with the dram of the new car behind me.  Furthermore, I got an e-mail today which revealed a situation that, if it works out during the first week of July, will definitely reveal a profound synchronization of my work life.  I’m not going to say more about it because I don’t want to jinx it.

Moon squaring Neptune I was on my way home, and I think I was feeling liberated.  Tara-Jen (Terragen) was coming through very clearly, I was extremely happy to have this big project going on, confident that is going to be more successful than the Jupiter retrograde working.  I wish I could keep track of exactly what I experienced but I have to say that I’ve had a spectacular experience with Neptune again.  Tara-Jen is pulling me together and I feel like I’m accomplishing something directly at last.

Moon inconjunct Pluto around 8 pm, I was feeling quite at home in the world, happy to be getting things done, for instance I finally read the last few issues of the "Lantern City” 12-issue series.  This is another aspect I touched up the paint on my Bell X-1, which I had set aside for the last few days. 

So now I’m looking forward to a wild weekend, with John’s circle tomorrow night.  Moon opposing Saturn, sextiling Uranus, and squaring Chiron.  Something about healing.  I bet I’ll be listening to Four Star Mary and Dashboard Prophets.  Tomorrow will be a big deal.