5:20 PM 6/8/2017 I’m completely deranged, I think; certainly nothing in my mind is progressing according to any plan I can detect.  Tara continues to make herself felt with an immediacy I have never known before.  I am extremely pleased.  When I started watching Buffy TVS at the beginning of the Jupiter retrograde I saw the world very differently.  Now that I’m nearing the end of that cycle I was more than satisfied with all the new feelings I’ve gained, but Tara’s appearance is

8:12 PM 6/8/2017  I fell asleep.  Since the appearance of Tara this new form or frequency of energy has been whirling in my mind and gettting stronger every day.  Someone is pushing against the broken spot in my mind with amazing force.  It is healing but it also makes me dizzy.  I wish there was something I could do.  It has to do with “Ballad for Dead Friends”.  I really wish I could have saved someone.  Someone wishes they could have saved me. 

At first I just felt the pressure and “saw” all the inner fragments of my mind whirling around and fusing into one.  But now the vista is clear enough that I can feel she’s pushing everything toward a single point.  It’s a little uncomfortable because I feel the presence of someone doing something but I don’t know how to react.  It occurs to me, however, that the best thing to do is get ready to feel different when the process is over.

What’s it going to be like to talk to her when I’m done? 

So many issues that come up over and over are finally rising to the level of consciousness.  For instance, entertainment itself –

10:09 PM 6/8/2017  Oops, there it went.  I will get it back eventually, though.

Buffynicities tonight: I know there were a couple of phrases that I’d been thinking about.  I’m playing a memory game now, hoping they’ll come back to me as I write.  But I also feel that “they” want me to move beyond specifics, to accept that there will always be a river of specifics and look at themes such as invisible Buffy tonight and her relationship to invisible Tara who is hanging around messing with me.  And Willow’s addiction to magic and its relationship to some addictions I’ve had in my life.  Rack calls Willow “Strawberry” and that reminded me of “Strawberry Fields Forever”, rock music, and also the outer space imagery.  How invisible should I be?

As uncomfortable as blogging has been over the months, endlessly repeating these totally inadequate lists of events without ever being able to render the intensity of the inner transformations, I can see that I have made progress.  I can see that the depth of my expression has increased.  Tara is a landmark.  The Jupiter Retrograde working has produced spectacular, life-changing results. 

I wonder about the Neptune retrograde that begins on the 15th.  Will it be more intense?  If Buffy represents “law” related to Jupiter, then perhaps I should be watching Angel during the Neptune retrograde. 

Buffynicity #1:  I was downtown today and I stepped on a loose floor panel and almost fell through.  I thought about getting one of those orange cones.  And then there was one in the episode tonight.  Ho hum!  I need bigger, badder Buffynicities!

Everything feels very solid now, like I’m writing for a different audience.  It is a struggle to write this because …

Anyway I’m going to avoid the whole issue and catch up on transits.  The energy still spins around and around in my head, and it hurts, but Tara is winding it all up, bringing it together.  It’s an amazing sensation, to be drifting back and forth between two levels of reality, here in the physical and there where she is, talking to her.  She reminds me often that she is here to heal me, but there is still a whole range of ambiguous sensations to sort out.

So on Wednesday, the Moon was VOC all day, with an inconjunct to Uranus and a trine of Chiron.  I got a ton of work done and I was listening to “Black Cat Bone” and “Pavlov’s Bell” closely for the first time, setting myself up for an amazing Buffynicity in the evening.  The day went by pretty fast and I went through a lot of states where I felt like long-standing fragmentation was being dramatically healed.  Tara was on my mind quite a bit.  Even as I’m writing this she’s pressing in on my aura.  I hope she keeps doing it.  It’s something about time.  I should stop trying to think of her in the past.  It’s a little frustrating because I wonder who she is.  I was looking up Amber Benson on Astrotheme, and she’s a Capricorn.  I think that’s a clue to Tara.  I also think something about her being a lesbian is a clue, but not an obvious one.

So I did have something unexpected happen with the Uranus transit, and the Chiron trine definitely related to the new music I was listening to, focusing on the more feminine songs on the Buffy soundtracks.  It’s a serious occult insight – Chiron and music are associated for me.  I just have to figure out where they come from and where they go to.

So late that night the Moon iconjuncted Venus and Mars and opposed Mercury – no wonder I didn’t finish my blog and instead went into a deep trance state with Tara.  I may just keep calling her Tara to toughen myself up against the insecurities inherent in using pop culture characters as placeholders for spiritual presence.  Tara is the most rock solid spirit I’ve ever encountered, though, and I believe she’s going to be the one to cross the barrier, to truly reveal her origins and mine.

1:09 AM 6/9/2017  That was a pretty amazing evening.  I’ll work on doing more transits tomorrow night.  I just want to encourage humanity in their efforts, because I have proven to myself that this process somehow works.