6:09 PM 6/17/2017 Just in case there are Buffynicities about it I’m going to note now that I feel very heavy, like reality is pressing down on me. Tara is bringing me up against my boundaries. I’m still looking for a good name for her. I feel like a completely different person now that I’m going through the process of getting a new car. The energy in my fifth chakra is very dark and dense, but definitely vital and real. It’s a healing of the paralysis I’ve felt for years and there are people on the other side of it.
8:55 PM 6/17/2017 I fell asleep! I didn’t run anyway. I walked a lot today and it’s very hot so I felt drowsy. And the energy in my fifth chakra is still pressing down, like a huge piece of my imagination disappeared.
So on Thursday the Moon entered Pisces and I felt the usual laziness and languor, very content that the insurance company was taking care of my car and relieved I didn’t have to work too hard on that issue. I was back downtown taking care of business and I worked pretty steadily. I’m getting used to the pacing of managing all these different sites, staying on task and holding things together instead of trying to “get things done”. I was still listening to Four Star Mary a lot and thinking about Tara. I think I should give her a hyphenate, Tara-Calliope or something. She’s very active, I can feel her grabbing hold of me and cancelling out delusions, keeping me from drifting. She’s a very intense, active spirit. Part of the symbolism is that she looks like Amber Benson, who is an actress who also writes novels, so she’s a character, a character playing a character, and a character created by a character. I see her very clearly at times, which is great because I’ve noticed that Amber Benson looks like a supersexy combination of Nastassja Kinski and Angelina Jolie. She would even look great dressed as Debbie Harry. Also, Amber Benson is a Capricorn and Tara has pointed this out as symbol of her fierce individuality. She’s in my life to get things done and be very specific about what’s going on. She is so totally focused and powerful that I don’t even minde admitting that I see her, whereas before I would have been leery of admitting publicly that I see a spirit who takes the form of a character from popular entertainment.
I do wonder if this is Kara in another form, but it’s not clear enough yet. One thing Tara is doing, however, is “collapsing” huge systems of daydreaming in my mind, so my whole attitude toward entertainment and the dream-images I have about entertainers is changing. She’s really insisting that I hunt down all my impressions and stop playing “what if” or messing around with wish fulfillment. And every day my daydreams “dry up” a little more, leaving me with clearer and clearer vision. So this is the process during this Neptune retrograde – going back over my crazy lifetime of fantasies about entertainment and saying what’s what. Just as the Jupiter retrograde working was dedicated to Buffy, this Neptune retrograde is going to be dedicated to Tara.
I’ll keep watching other shows though. I have another month of Buffy to go, 25 episodes or so, and then I’ve decided I’m going to take a break and watch Firefly before starting on Angel.
Anyway, work went very smoothly on Thursday, my mind is getting steadier. After work I went to run and then I got to the Astrology Salon a little late, around the time the Moon was trining Mars. Mars in Cancer still feels great, by the way, focused and powerful. Mars in Gemini was a drag and I look forward to going all the way around the zodiac with Mars to see where I feel the best. This will probably be an important understanding with regard to Kara.
There was only Brian and one other person at the salon – this was the smallest one in years, and I’m sure it’s because it was so hot. Still my angels were there as we went over horoscopes and talked about aspects. They were showing me all kinds of things about the magic of astrology, how astrology is much more than an abstraction, the influence of planets can be very personal. Because there were only two of us we had extra time so I had Brian look up Joss Whedon’s horoscope, and we talked about all his retrogrades. He has Neptune in retrograde and also Saturn and some other things as well. I had this daydream that I knew Whedon in a former life, that he was a Colonel I served with under Patton in WWII. I don’t know what it means but I’m going to think a lot about him for a while because his shows are so influential on my life. Buffy “brings it down”, as I learned from my recent Big Bad Buffynicities and I feel that Tara is going to guide me through the Whedonverse to some kind of understanding. By the end of this I’m not going to be confused any more.
After years of fetishizing actors and writers like Angelina Jolie, I’m ready to do hard research on the things I experience – not that I’ll get accurate information about the actual people, but I am ready to get enough information to “burst my own bubble”, to prove to myself that my intuitions are limited. I used to just indulge them but now I’m going to nail them down. For instance I “see” Angelina in my mind’s eye all the time but I never watch her movies. I prefer to dwell on some images of her I developed back when she was married to Billy Bob Thornton. Now I’m going to see all their movies and read everything they’ve written, “fixating the volatile” and draining the swamp of my own imagination.
The Moon sextiled Vens and Mercury inconjuncted Pluto as the salon was ending. I felt very integrated, very secure in my contact with higher worlds. Part of my mind is moving steadily through the inner planes toward its goal and I’m ready to start talking about it.
So Neptune was retrograde in the morning when I got up. I was feeling pretty alert. The Moon inconjuncted Neptune in the morning and I was very happy to be working with Tara. I also saw Jody with some clarity. I am happy to report once again that another Neptune aspect has fulfilled my expectations of a powerful telepathic experience.
I worked pretty hard, feeling good about my increasing mastery. I wound up staying a little late to tie up loose ends so with cosmic timing I was getting off work exactly when the Moon sextiled Pluto. Like any Pluto transit I felt I was going to make things happen, spending the evening with Tara. She’s helping me to finally get the inner solidity I’ve always wanted. For instance right now we’re struggling to get the right words for the type of social understanding Pluto transits bring. I feel like a part of the world during these transits, like I’m getting things done. I had a lot of energy during the runup and I was taking care of loose ends.
The Moon was squaring Mercury as I was finishing my usual rounds of picking up comics and model supplies. I went to Red Robin for old time’s sake. The waitress remembered that I like pomegranate tea and brought a glass without my having to ask. I was thinking about the hundreds of times I’ve been to that restaurant and this time Tara was sitting across from me.
I was very tired but I went to Level 257 and played Tron, thinking about how mysterious that game seemed when I first saw it years ago. I was extremely tired so I didn’t hang around long. On the way home I pulled over in the parking lot of the Niles Target and fell asleep, only to wake up at midnight in the middle of a crowd of fans going to and fro for some kind of event at the stadium next door. I finally made my way home early in the morning.
This morning I woke up feeling extremely focused and magical. I am really getting things done now. So now I see Tara bringing it down, working with me? trying? suggesting? What was I working on while the Moon conjuncted Chiron this morning? I was sitting downstairs in the main room taking notes and sweeping. I was taking notes on the things spirits were telling me and feeling extremely productive although now that I look back I can also detect the influence of the Void of Course because I was moving very slowly. I was very intent on bringing the energy down but it took me a long time to move, to make myself run the vacuum cleaner.
Just as I was writing those last couple of sentences I saw Tara sweeping across my field of vision, weaving together a couple of frames of reference. As I write this blog I “imagine” other people reading it, sometimes I sense spirits, sometimes I fantasize that someone’s out there in the world reading it, Tara just swept across two of these fantasies and “brought them down”.
And now she’s helping me remember what I was talking to spirits about this morning while the Moon was conjuncting Chiron – where I came from, what my spirits have been doing all this time. Whenever I hit a new peak of telepathy with higher worlds, I usually have a moment of resentment at how chaotic and ridiculous my life has been. I’ve been through too much weird shit in my life and I have serious difficult believing life is a meaningful process because of it. I really hate this lame world and I don’t think it’s worth it to go through all the strange things you go through in this place. So I’m moving out of it slightly now. And today I was feeling myself being pulled very far out of my own past. The interpersonal dramas I’ve been through are ending *** and I’m developing a language to talk about what I’ve been through.
With cosmic timing I suddenly looked up right after the Moon entered Aries and realized I had overdue library books and also some holds to pick up. There was also an art exhibit I wanted to go see, and I was looking for a place to eat as well. At the library I turned in a bunch of stuff and picked up another Amber Benson novel about the Witches of Echo Park. I feel like reading some of her novels will expand my understanding of the astral presence of entertainment. She’s all about ghosts, it seems and the ghosts are starting to come through super clear for m. I went to the art exhibit but it was unexpectedly crowded, there was an event going on that day. I decided to come back another day, though I questioned the synchronicity of choosing to make the trek across town on the one day it would be too crowded to get in comfortably. I thought for a moment I might go in after all but at that very second a raindrop fell on me. It was a very big sign.
I think the crowd at the exhibit related to Tara and the Neptune retrograde in the sense of “bringing it down”, surrendering my own wish-fulfillment so I can grasp the hard edges of the collective fantasy of this world. That’s why Tara is referring me to Amber Benson, star of a horror series, author of ghost stories, crazy sexy cool Capricorn (I get along fantastically well with Capricorns) and synthesis of several of my pop crush girls. She reminds me so much of Nastassja Kinski, and she’s even the right age for me. That’s what Tara “is” to me, the end of the line of the ungrounded wanderings, the lightning rod, the one who is giving me what I wished for all this time.
Thank god the Moon’s in Aries, the crap phase is almost over. I note that this is a much more focused blog entry than I’ve made in a long time, longer and with much more “interior” to it. The Neptune retrograde working has begun and things are going to come down in earnest now. The sun is sextiling Uranus tomorrow so hopefully something cool will happen. Mercury opposing Saturn is something to watch as well. I suspect it will be fun.