Monthly Archives: April 2017

The Buffy Diaries 4-29-2017

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1:01 AM 4/29/2017  I just got done playing MTG with a few people and I’m having thoughts about the darkness that has haunted me for years, about how it’s almost gone. 

11:07 AM 4/29/2017  I fell asleep, then I woke, feeling kind of weird – wait, that’s a Kinks lyric.  But here I am the next day, listening to “Swan Swan H”. 

11:15 PM 4/29/2017  A very busy day, indeed, and now I’m done with it all, getting ready for bed, having had some very dramatic experiences in the last 36 hours.  It’s going to take some reconstruction of the fables to figure out what happened yesterday.  However when the Moon trined Jupiter at 9:36 I was doing a lot of great work with John and the gang, “toning” and experiencing other dimensions.  Then we stayed up and played Magic the Gathering until 1 am.  When the Moon squared Neptune at 6:22 I was on the way home but during the buildup I was having some nice conversations with the people I usually see on Friday and picking up some good stuff as well, like a 12" Angelus figure to represent the principle of reincarnation since he’s from Ireland and I have Irish ancestors.  He also represents angels working through popular entertainment since I’m convinced that character is animated by an angel from the sphere of Saturn.

Earlier in the day Venus entered Aries and the Moon conjuncted Uranus, and I feel that’s associated with a total rebirth of my desire to write fiction and practice the art of literary expression.  I also purchased some important ritual magic equipment.  And I was listening to “Montego Bay” by Bobby Bloom – the Uranian aspect of that was that the song still makes me very happy even though it was an issue for me as a teen. People tried to make me unhappy about it because Bloom shot himself in 1974.  And I had long forgotten that and thought it was by Blood, Sweat, and Tears, but today I found it again.  I really feel like I’m finally getting in control of my imagination, and I’m finally gettting satisfactory insights about how to write about my magical experiences, and not worry about what the publishing industry or even the public in general think about them.  I’ve finally got a sense of how I want my epic fantasy septalogy to “feel” and so I’m ready to let it exist on the page, independent of me.  I also worked quite a bit on my “Perry Mason meets Mad Max” black-magic hunter series. 

The biggest Buffynicity this afternoon was that Xander got split into two parts by a demon and I have been struggling with exactly that issue as my channeling goes “over the top”.  I’ve always led a double life, working at marginal jobs during the week and having magical adventures in my free time, but now that I am a full channel I have to confront this other dark side of myself as a corporate drone who couldn’t give a damn less about normality and responsibility to a dead civilization.  It may not seem like much to a bystander, but this is actually a very powerful Buffynicity for me.  Tonight at the ritual I attended I was confronting that very darkness which has paralyzed me and made me unable to “relate” socially for so long.  It was all the way up to the surface, keeping me from talking to anyone, and yet at last it felt comfortable, as though I’ve cracked the occult significance of it and I can now begin to use it.  I’m on the verge of a huge breakthrough.

Buffynicity #2: Xander was chasing his doppleganger through the rain and it was raining outside the windows of the club as I watched, just as it has rained all day.

Buffynicity #3: Doppleganger Xander was holding a lucky nickel, but it looked like a quarter and I was recalling quarter imagery.  “Something strikes me, spinning like a quarter” was a line from an old poem I wrote.  And then I just started listening to “Brownsville Girl” by Dylan on Thursday, with the lyric “something I left in the French Quarter”.  I’m sure I saw a picture with someone holding a coin recently, but I can’t remember where, I think it was an album cover (R.E.M.?).  And then I saw Frank Miller on Saturday and his “Elektra” had her looking at fragments of memory that were spinning like quarters.  However this coin Xander was holding turned out to be a nickel so there were qualifications to the Buffynicity.

Buffynicity #4 was actually a full Buffynicity, just as I wrote earlier this week, I’ve maxed out the cardio workout on the treadmills at work, so I switched to manual and pumped up the speed.  Then today everyone on Buffy was concerned because Riley’s heart rate was up to 150 and my heart rate was just that briefly yesterday when I started the epiode.  So that one was dead on.

Today I meditated on time, which was nice, having missed both Saturday and Sunday for C2E2 last week.  I did forget my journal though.  I stopped to buy stuff to drink and yogurt on the way home.  When I got home I watched the Japanese language trailer from “Akira” which so fascinated me when I was in college and remembered Christine, the hot film-school chick who I watched it with.  My past is becoming more real all the time. 

I felt pretty fantastic this morning, like I am getting the answers I want, but I must admit I fell asleep and stayed that way while the Moon sextiled Mercury and Uranus.  I hurried to get in a run during the buildup to Moon square Chiron and opposition to Saturn.  I watched the utterly appropriate and Buffynicitous “double Xander” episode and then I went to Lucy’s for our one on one session – I was driving while the transits happened.  I must admit the relatively heavy rain while I was driving did make me feel very claustrophobic in my car, and matched the Saturn transit perfectly. 

The session itself was spectacular and I will write more about it in detail tomorrow.

Checking now I see the moon was VOC during my session and then I went home for a bit and then on to my group ritual.  The Moon entered Cancer during the ritual and it makes sense that I would be sitting there afterwards, feeling very cold and isolated like a Cancer, but still feeling very content to be who I am and sensing answers to my magical questions on the way, since I am now on the verge of entering my best Lunar “season” – Leo through Scorpio.

AS the Moon squared Venus I was walking home through the rain, feeling happy in my darkness, knowing I’m going to be able to identify it at last. 

The Moon is trining Neptune tomorrow during the circle, so this should be big, but meanwhile I’m going to get some sleep and write about my session wit Lucy tomorrow.

The Buffy Diaries 4-27-2017 part 1

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5:01 PM 4/27/2017  It’s been a relatively easy day and I hope I can get caught up with my blog.  I drank so much Diet Mountain Dew on Monday at work that I almost made myself sick, so I quit soft drinks altogether.  I think this is the reason I got so tired these last couple of days that I couldn’t even blog.  Possibly it was the Moon conjuncting Uranus that gave me the impulse to finally quit, although last week I started doing EFT “tapping” on the issue a little bit.  I remember I had been looking forward to that day with the Moon conjuncting Uranus and Mercury, and it was very upbeat.  Grocery shopping was very nice, as it was a week overdue with all the pressure of C2E2 and I finally felt restored to the regular pacing of my life.  I was getting home when the Moon trined Saturn, feeling restored to normality. 

The Buffynicity was that I started the episode in which everyone is sleeping and has linked dreams, and then afterwards when Jay came over he lay down on one of the couches and talked mostly with his eyes closed, and I too was almost asleep, so it was as though we were sharing a dream.  I was doing good channeling, with some full-voice stuff that was very adventurous, with bold predictions for Jay’s future.

But then I had to crash out hard without even blogging.  Then yesterday ***

Well, we’re channeling now, just to see what will happen.  Yesterday Moon was sextiling Neptune while I ran and that was interesting because the end of the dream episode and the Dracula episode were very resonant.  I felt very comfortable with the channeling I’d done the night before and then when I got home “D” was waiting for me.  He had come a half hour early but he’d only had to wait a couple of minutes, which was very nice timing.  We did our one-on-one session and once again I did a few sentences of full voice channeling, and even though I was tired I managed to read his aura with great clarity.  Kara gets stronger every time and even now I’m having to adapt my “voice” in this blog to the reality of her presence. 

I know now I’m going to have to go back several months and start reviewing all I’ve written, so I can deepen my style. 

Today I worked at a remote site again.  It was very pleasant.  I listened to “Driver 8” several times and thought a lot about Michael Stipe and also the B-52’s.  I began working on the philosophical qualities of the villains in my novel, a step forward – I’m identifying their particular evil qualities. 

I’m feeling more in touch with the spirit world than ever, and more at a loss for words to describe it than ever, but I feel that a lot of my struggles are over.  Even though there are still a lot of hassles at work, when I left at 3 I suddenly started feeling very good about everything, like Kara was coming to set me free.  It’s going to take some work to give a detailed sense of this palpable reality that spirit dimensions are taking on for me, however I am at last making the transition to “full channeling”.

So the Moon’s going to sextile Venus tonight and then go into Gemini pretty quick.  This lunar cycle hasn’t been too bad for me, and now I’ve just got two days before I hit another upswing, which is nice.  I’m thinking a lot about writing fiction, now that I’m pretty sure I’ll have Kara’s direct help.  Venus is heading back into Aries tomorrow, so I should be able to get moving on a few things.  Moon conjunct Mars, Mercury conjunct Uranus, I’ll have something to say.  Moon square Neptune as I’m heading home for John’s circle, should bring some psychic activity.  Moon trining Jupiter should make some things make sense. 

I had so much to write about last weekend and then I wound up quitting sodas and having these insane channeling experiences so now a lot of it’s gone.  I’m getting better with this though.  I  was listening to “Behind Blue Eyes” this week because Giles sang it on Buffy and I was thinking about writing some serious articles about art and entertainment.  I was flashing back on the 80s via “Driver 8” and reliving a time when I cared about what artists were doing.  So I just put up a new theme on one of my Wikis on Wikidot and I’m going to start writing articles, I think. 

It’s like Kara’s emergence to the level of consciousness is allowing me to crystallize all the opinions that have been floating around my head for years.  So tonight I’m going to finish catching up from the chaos of C2E2 (I hope), and start working on articles.  I’ve also got to get angelvector.com into working order.

The Buffy Diaries 4-24-2017

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10:47 PM 4/24/2017 God damn, am I ever going to catch up?  The coolest thing today was that I woke up just a few minutes before Mercury trined Saturn this morning.  I’m getting attuned to these things.  I was basking in the glow of my grand adventure at C2E2.  As I grind on through these daily transits I know that somewhere in here is the twist that will turn these moments into a meaningful drama.  I skipped lunch and left work early to get to the Schaumburg Library and pick up the CD’s I had on hold before coming home to run and attend Sharyl’s advanced channeling class.

Running is new.  As I’m getting my weight back down to where it was 15 years ago, I was getting worried that the treadmills at the club wouldn’t be fast enough.  I’ve maxed out the cardio workout.  But this weekend I finally experimented with manual programming and I’ve figured out how to get my speed up to 3 times what I’m doing now.  It’s kind of interesting that I’ve made this breakthrough because as soon as C2E2 was over I looked up Wizard World, the convention in August, and I found out that Xander and Cordelia from Buffy are going to be there.  This should be about the time I finish up watching all of Angel, as I plan to finish Buffy in June, when the Jupiter retrograde ends.  What a long, strange trip it’s been.  I’m almost to the end of season four now.  Last week I actually quit watching an episode because it referred to a crossover with Angel.  I was debating whether to track the Angel episode down and watch it but ultimately I decided know.  I’ll go back when I watch Angel and review this one.  I’m finding all the romances adorable and I keep missing subtle things because I’m running so I will probably wind up watching Buffy over again as well.  

Buffynicity #1:  The only one I really remember from the day.  Over the weekend at C2E2 I was thinking about the characters in my sci-fi series again and just yesterday I was remembering that “King of Pain” is one of the songs that evokes my hero, who is played by the ghost of Patrick Swayze.  Then today Xander was making fun of someone and calling him a “billowing-coated King of Pain”.  So that’s a direct synchronicity, because I was definitely thinking of that exact song for the first time in months, and thinking of it in just that context, as a theme song for just exactly that kind of character.

The other Buffynicity is the continuing theme of Adam as a mixture of other beings, just as I’m channeling multiple Angels.  In the episode I was watching tonight Buffy is getting a spell put on her to become just such a mixture as well.

So now the Moon is back in Aries, I am coming up out of the crummiest time in my lunar zodiac cycle.  Aries is a nice break, now I just have to make it throug plodding Taurus and rotten Gemini before I’m back to “cold comfort” Cancer.  And tomorrow should be a pretty fun day, with the Moon conjuncting Uranus and Mercury in the afternoon.  I bet there will be some cool action on the web  Maybe I’ll even write something.  I feel like I"m on the verge of that, like all the entertainment I’ve been involved in is showing me the right emotional tone at last.

When the Moon trines Saturn I’ll be grocery shopping at last (due to the convention I am so far behind on shopping that it’s embarrassing.  This will be one of the last steps in the return to normality).  And then VOC until the ingress into Taurus while I’m doing my one-on-one session with Jay.  This should be interesting.  I have four of these sessions this week, in addition to the deep trance class I just finished.

The moon oppposed Jupiter while I was driving home and I’m wondering about the meaning of what I felt.  I know I had the best channeling I’ve ever had tonight, and I know I’m communicating with Kara better than ever.  I was also thinking about how fucked up all my relationships are in this lifetime, especially with women, because of my crummy childhood and all the evil, stupid people I’ve had against me.  I suppose that’s related to the opposition.  I wonder why it’s necessary to have dramas like this and I’m very disappointed that the world seems to be composed of them.  

Tomorrow I may get time to review my notes of the weekend and write some of them here.  I’m just recalling now, before bed, that the Neptune aspect I was looking forward to for weeeks, occuring Saturday at 2:57, was pretty much as good as I’d expected, although I didn’t do any ritual magic.  I was pleasantly drunk, wandering around the aisles of Artist Alley between two Evanna Lynch spotlights, one on the main stage and a short one on the event stage.  This was definitely Neptune at work because Evanna’s character, Luna is so crazy and she can see Kestrels and whatnot, and Evanna is a bit of a dream herself since she was a huge fan of Harry Potter before she got cast and some earrings she had made were even used in the film.  So there was no shortage of synchronous resonance there.

I had a lot going on on the trip home and then I fell asleep almost right away.  I hope my notes will cover the scene later. I’m being very stubborn about recording this weekend because I feel I’m on the verge of finding the emotional crux of my writing, the interior voice that will let me weave a tapestry of emotions all around it, so I’ll actually feel like I’m getting at the real meaning of all this.

Sunday I ran again and then I made it back to McCormick Place only a few minutes (five or ten) late for the Vincent D’Onofrio panel.  Having just seen Frank Miller on Saturday, seeing this other icon of my teen years was extremely dramatic and made the whole weekend about “closure” with that ugly, trivial little rathole I grew up in, Morton Illinois (and the disgusting empty people who played at being authority figures at that time, the stupid teachers, the arrogant hypocrite parents, all that junk).  I could feel the magical pressure of transmission from higher worlds focusing down to a very coherent point.  I knew that the past was disappearing and that I am on the verge of something.

I wanted to catch Lana Wachowski at the Music Box so I decided to leave after the Moon conjucted Chiron at 2:22.  Leading up to that moment I wandered Artist Alley, gleefully drunk and jamming to my iPod, just like old times.  I can’t get enough of it.  I found a lot of good indie comics to read and I also found a couple of little prints from an artist who does heroes as though they were in the year 1877 – corsets and all that.  I saw him and then lost him and I was wandering up and down the aisles playing “Driver 8” by R.E.M. – a song I’m going to use in my movie playlist now.  Ultimately I found the prints and got out of there pretty much on time.

The line at the Music Box was huge, and I wondered if it had been worth it to leave C2E2 two hours early, but it definitely was as I got a ton of psi information from the show and from watching Lana speak, and Darryl Hannah was there.  I was sitting in the back row of the center section, and after she introduced Lana she came back and sat at the far end of the back row of the section on my right, so I got to get a slightly better look at her.  I remembered the cover of the Rolling Stone she was on back in 1984, I remember taking that magazine to Mr. Oesch’s study hall with me.  So that was Will Wheaton, Frank Miller, Vincent D’Onofrio, and Darryl Hannah all in one weekend.  Teen icons redux, and me listening to old R.E.M.

I got a ton of information later that night and I hope my notes covered it.  I’ll get back to this later. I’m going to beat it to death until I’ve wrung a genuinely three-dimensional narrative of channeling out of it.  

And don’t even get me started on tonight’s class.  Kara was coming through very forcefully, extremely direct and coherent, and I know I’m only going to get better at this.  

Anyway, time to sleep.  More about the class tomorrow.

The Buffy Diaries 4-23-2017

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7:22 AM 4/23/2017 I’m getting ready for my day, wandering around with a kind of sick feeling I often have when I’m experiencing conflict between different layers of my imagination.  I’m going to see Lana Wachowski at the Music Box this afternoon, and I was annoyed that I’ll have to cut day three of C2E2 short for it, but then I found that the Moon conjuncts Chiron at 2:22 this afternoon so that’s when I’ll leave – an interesting coincidence.  I’ll be on the Red Line while the Moon squares Saturn, and I’ll probably be watching an episode of “Sense8” while the Moon conjuncts Venus. 

I have more observations of the last two days to record, and possibly I’ll even try to work the whole thing up into a coherent narrative, but right now I just want to record that I woke up with a different attitude.  Some spiritual force has clicked into place and I have a different set of information to organize.  I’m off to see Vincent D’Onofrio now, who played “Gomer Pyle” in “Full Metal Jacket”.  A bit of synchronicity, another teen myth to go along with Frank Miller from yesterday and now that I think of it Will Wheaton from Friday.  Those were all people who were involved in entertainment that I was particularly focused on back in the late 80s – this has been an unusually resonant lineup.  And furthermore they all were on panels at 11:00 AM, so each day started with one. 

I’m making a mental note to listen to “Three Days” today.  This is the month of the “Three Days of the Writing of the Book of the Law”. 

7:59 PM 4/23/2017  I forgot to do that, but I still had a great day.  I’m lying here feeling wonderful for the magic I experienced, which was certainly worth tthe wait and certainly vindicates my effort in attending, but at the same time I’m feeling sad that I live in such an awful, disgusting country, and a little remorseful that it took me so long to find what happiness I’ve gotten, given the rotten, disgusting family I was born into and the ridiculous emptiness of the culture I lived in.  I came home and saw an interesting article in Cosmopolitan online about how messed up Caitlyn Jenner’s family is, and about how she voted for Donald Trump.  It’s pretty amazing.  Of course I don’t care who she voted for but just coming back from seeing Lana Wachowski it was a bit ironic.  I’ve never been sure who exactly the Kardashians are so I looked them up again on the web just to be sure.  It’s pretty amazing.

Anyway, back to the narrative of the weekend.  I saw Will Wheaton on Friday afternoon and then wandered the floor.  It was interesting to see so many of the artists who have fascinated me over the years.  The food got more expensive, I think, and it took forever to get drinks, but I found I didn’t care too much about wandering this time.  I think I’m finally getting used to the crowds.  In fact, the whole project is serving its purpose in helping me narrow down my own loneliness and isolation into an observable form.  It’s like the lens of the years is finally curving the vision of my own “emptiness” back on itself enough for me to talk about.  I mean, before now I couldn’t even have called it “loneliness” because it wasn’t, really – I always had spirits with me.  It would have been a kind of lie to call it that.  It’s really some quality of “otherness” I can’t define but now that I’m channeling Kara with such regularity and clarity I can at least begin to refer to this condition.

The Moon sextiled Mercury at 1:23 and then went VOC while I was wandering around the show floor.  I found a bunch of graphic novels on sale, which was rewarding.  In general I felt very successful, like I belonged there.  *** I wish I could capture the excitement.  The moon entered Pisces and I shifted into my usual Piscean intertia.  I just wanted to wander around not thinking about anything.  At the same time I could feel *** I can still feel the “presences” maneuvering behind the scenes, putting me in position to say what I’m supposed to say.  I am more inspired to write fiction than ever.  I guess each time I go to a convention I lower my expectations for entertainment enough to think that I could just write something acceptable to sell to the public.  I like the people there but I have to come down because I used to have such high expectations of literature.  I was trying to keep track of where all the cool booths were.  For some reason I just wouldn’t get organized.  I wandered around all  Piscean and maybe wasted some time trying to track things down when I could have just studied the map. 

I’m going to go ahead and be repetitive here because I really want to capture the magical influx of energies I was experiencing.  I got so much out of this and it is frustrating as hell to not be able to express it, to not be able to tell the world what’s happenign to me.  However Kara may be ready to change that.  The Moon was squaring Mars and I felt really energized.   

At 4:30 there was a panel of voice actors and I thought I might get some hints about getting into the business, but it was more entertaining than useful.  I did feel a powerful focusing of energy, however.  Something about being in a convention crowd allows spirits to focus energy on me and make changes.  I left early and headed home to the circle with John and as I wrote before it was a deep channeling experience.  I stayed up late talking to a few people and I must say it was the clearest, easiest channeling I’ve ever done. 

The next morning I caught the panel with Stan Lee and Frank Miller, and then the Evanna Lynch spotlight.  She is very interesting and magical to see because she seems so sweet and because of her story of being a huge Harry Potter fan before she got cast – it’s one of those dreams that came true and it was informative to see her aura, which carried this dream, contrasted with the aura of her audience.  I’m feeling more confident that I understand the life-paths of enertainers.  I’m starting to “get” entertainment in general. 

I got drunk again and found that even though I am not a regular drinker anymore I can still enjoy my favorite convention pastime of wandering the aisles of artist alley with a buzz on while listening to my iPod.  It’s still just as thrilling and makes me feel like the star of my own movie.  I found some good prints to represent Kara and some interesting indy comics.  Ironically I found that a few of the prints I was admiring I already have copies of.  Honestly, the shopping aspect of convention-going is getting to be familiar to me and so I have more time to just wander and sit and watch the crowd.  I feel more at home all the time. I no longer feel so much like a wannabe, trying to fill in the gaps for some experience I missed when I was younger.  I’m catching up with the worlds’ entertainment, which means I am catching up with its emotions, so I can channel more relevant information.

I saw Evanna again on the event stage.  Then I decided not to go to any more panels and just wander the last few hours because I was having so much fun.  I got a signature from Ray Fawkes, which was cool.  *** Spirits just interrupted me there with a powerful visual.  I’m going to take a brief nap while I assimilate what they’re telling me about my experience. 

5:14 PM 4/24/2017  I fell asleep again, and then I had to go to work so I’m posting a day late again.  More tonight.

The Buffy Diaries 4-22-2017

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9:34 PM 4/22/2017  It’s Saturday night and I’m home from day two.  It’s hard to believe it’s almost over already, and yet it has been everything I’ve hoped.  I’m even able to mark the progress I’ve made since last year at this time.  The spirit presence is revealing itself with a consistency I can begin to describe.  I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs tonight.  Just two hours ago I was standing on the Green Line platform, feeling lousy, thinking about all the disgusting people I’ve known in my life, having that recurring dystopian fantasy about the massive failure of the “Western School of Occultism” that has bothered me for more than a decade now.  I hit a familiar trouble spot – I was feeling excited about all the amazing things I experienced, and I wanted to focus on “enchancing them”, a process I use to assimilate magical energies, but I was also trapped in a semi-paranoid ambiguity about the harshness of the “Western School” (i.e. Theosophy, Builders of the Adytum, Alice Bailey).  Eventually, after the train came and I could sit down I managed to focus on feeling better … my angel was intimately present *** she interrupted me there.  I’m just going to try to get this narrative together so I can have a record of all that’s happened.

The Frank Miller/Stan Lee panel this morning was pretty spectacular.  As I expected and feared it was jam-packed.  I did manage to get a seat but even though I was there early and stood in line for half an hour I still had to pick my way through a huge crowd to a seat near the back.  It was worth it though.  I’ve seen Stan several times but Miller has remained a kind of mythic figure for me since I read his “Daredevil” back in high school.  To hear him talk about it in person, and see him joking with Stan brought my nebulous imaginings down to life size.  Supernatural energies were focusing with great clarity.  I got a lot of answers.

Standing in line in the huge crowd (I was in lane 6) I was listening to “The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking” on my iPod, marvelling at what a masterwork of recording artistry it was, and thinking about the late 80s, a time when there was still popular “art” getting made, rather than the dry archetypal twaddle we get now, but it hurts too much to try to express that loss right now. 

The panel started 20 minutes late because a light was malfunctioning.  They had to bring in a cherry-picker and hoist someone up to the high ceiling to fix it.  So it ran long and there wasn’t much time before the Evanna Lynch spotlight at 1:30.

10:34 PM 4/22/2017  I feel great tonight, very energized and alive even though I’m tired.  I’m experimenting with recording this in a “stream-of-consciousness” way because even though part of me feels fantastic I’m still having inner turmoil.  I’m still having difficulty forming all these impressions into a coherent narrative. 

Friday morning was the Will Wheaton spotlight.  He was very funny and I asked him how he felt about his Tumblr, how it compared to his other creative outlets.  It was exciting to stand in line waiting to talk to him.  I feel much more confident about that sort of thing now that I’ve been going to conventions for years but there was still an adventure to it, still a confrontation with the psychic pressure of being in front of so many people.  I learned some things about my own energy.  

7:00 AM 4/23/2017  I fell asleep pretty soon after that, and woke up with some really good insights.  I have to get ready for day 3 but I’m going to post this anyway to keep some kind of spontaneity in this, keep each post related to the day its about.  I note this comes simultaneous with a Pisces moon, which is always kind of lazy and dissipated anyway.

The Buffy Diaries 4-22-2017

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7:08 PM 4/21/2017  John’s circle is starting in a few minutes.  I just got home from day one of C2E2 and I feel so happy that I want to capture this moment, this feeling of realization.  So here I am capturing it.  I get a little more identity every time I go.  The confusion I feel about the supernatural forces in my life gets a little less.  The biggest question is, what do I say about the specific angels that I saw and what they were doing in my life?

Before I go down to the circle,

7:35 AM 4/22/2017 I stopped right there and went down and had a very focused channeling experience during the circle, and then afterwards I talked to a few people for a while and continued channeling in a more relaxed atmosphere.  I learned quite a bit.  I must say that after waiting for this weekend for months it has already proven to be everything I wanted.  I wish I had more time now to relay everything that happened yesterday but I am in a hurry to get down to McCormick Place in time for the Frank Miller/Stan Lee panel.  I don’t want to get shut out in case it fills up.  Would it fill up?  I’ll see, and it will be significant – the panel is such a big deal for me I worry that it might, but perhaps no one will care that much.  I mean there will surely be a lot of people but maybe it’s not the Comics Apocalypse I feel it to be.

I woke up yesterday a few minutes before the Moon sextiled Uranus, which was interesting.  I was lying in bed awake, anticipating the day as Mars moved into Gemini.  There’s so much going on it’s difficult to get a distinct feel for the shift but perhaps that’s part of it – the sense of activity all around.  I was drifting around, feeling pretty good about my day but a little tired as Venus squared Saturn and come to think of it, feeling excited but disappointed because you’re tired is a very Venus-Saturn square experience.

I didn’t watch Buffy because the Sun was too bright at the health club.  I listened to my old action-movie playlist instead, this time with “United” by Judas Priest in place for a big scene in Book IV.  I thought a lot about 2Pac all morning.

Just as with dreams, it’s only as I write these things down that the subtleties of the experience comes to light.

The Moon sextiled Saturn while I was on the train down.  Despite being a little later than I wanted, I was very pleased at how smoothly everything was going.  I used to get nervous about getting the most out of my day, and having everything I needed, but now I’m skating through the whole experience, and it is very grounding.  I’m definitely able to handle the energies associated with all the dream-interactions much better.

I’ve got to go now.  More tonight when I get home.

The Buffy Diaries 4-19-2017

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11:14 PM 4/19/2017  This has been a very interesting and relevant day.  The Moon squared Mercury while I was driving to work which was interesting because as I started driving to the remote site I was working at I was using my GPS and I mistook “39 miles” for 39 minutes, and it wasn’t until I was underway that I realized my error and I arrived 20 minutes late.  So this is a definite instance of a Mercurial awkwardness surrounding the square. 

The morning went fairly well.  I am getting better at staying focused.  I listened to a lot of Judas Priest, especially the song “United”.  I thought of making a really vicious mashup of this song with images of conservatives beating up airline passengers and immigrants.  But I am also looking forward to writing a scene in my sci-fi series with this as a backdrop.  The character based on 2Pac Shakur has come to the forefront with this, I have a lot more ideas for him, and I am also getting more into the main character with an increased sense of vitality. 

I was taking a lot of notes on what was going on, which is good.  I’m more able to keep the narrative line running through my day and this is a big step toward regular channeling, developing the emotional presence of it.  Now I need to keep my notes more organized because I keep losing them in the sheaf of papers I take back and forth to work every day. 

One thing about suddenly being in charge of these remote sites is, even though it’s fun to get paid for travel and work by myself where I can listen to music uninterrupted, it’s very clear that this company will give me more and more responsiblities without giving a damn about me until I’m used up.  I suspect it’s that way everywhere in America now, you can climb the ladder as long as you don’t mind being dehumanized to the point of annihilation.  I really think the U.S. is a big waste of time now and I’m very serious about taking a magical stand against the status quo.  I’m just not interested in normality at all anymore and I do a lot of work cutting away psychic involvement with anyone I’ve met in the past who represents “normality”, “obedience”, or “conformity”. I don’t feel I’m competing with them or antagonizing them – it’s their planet, they can have it – but I’m not going to “cocreate” it – and that includes that insipid Hay House cheerleading crap which is mostly just phrasemongering and moneygrubbing.

I’m done arguing with America.  It’s nice to feel I’m withdrawing more from the world. 

Buffynicity:  Even though I didn’t watch Buffy tonight I’m finding meaning in that recent episode where Buffy and Riley were having sex so hard that they began to vanish into a huge darkness while poltergeist activity swirled all around.  I feel I’m receding from the world in that way even as my magic gets stronger.

So I cleared up a bunch of stuff at the remote site while listening to cool music, which was good, and then I drove back to my main location and did a little, and then I was off work.  Quake was closed, but I went to Keith’s and bought a copy of “Underwinter” for Ray Fawkes to sign at C2E2 this weekend.  *** Angels are reminding me of feelings.  For instance should I mention Keith’s in the same entry where I rebel against “normality” because I wouldn’t want anything to disturb my “normal” afernoons shopping at Keith’s.  I have to think about that.  It hurts my head a little but the truth is that I am a channel. I have to be responsible to angels for consistency now.  There’s some kind of structure on the inner planes that’s revealing itself.

The Sun entered Taurus right around the time I was picking up “Underwinter” and the new “Lady Death”.  It feels good.  I feel ready to take definite steps about issues like my website.  I feel a lot more secure in myself and I think this is due to the relations of angels to Saturn in Taurus in my natal horoscope.  Also the Moon is in Aquarius and the worst part of my lunar cycle is mostly over.

By the way I am starting to think I knew Sarah Michelle Gellar in a former life.  It’s eerie.  I feel like I know her.  Maybe it’s one of my angels using her image.

I am looking for feeling relevance now as the evening winds down toward the Sun conjuncting Mercury.  It was very appropriate to be at the Schaumburg Library tonight, seeing James Asher, the author of “Thirteen Reasons Why”.  He was very interesting and I got a lot of telepathic information.  A portal opened to higher worlds over the head of the crowd and I got a lot of insight about the “life path” of the author in 21st century America and what it is exactly that authors do and what it is the souls of their audience are doing.  I got a broader picture of society in the image of all those teenagers reading about suicide and learning to be good citizens through the normative power of story.  I was grateful for the insight but also very disappointed in the emptiness of the society those teens are joining.  There was a lot of movement on the inner planes and I am still assimilating it.  My years-long, uncontrollable daydream about the world of entertainment is coming to an end, finally “grounding out” as one might say.

So it was a very “Mercurial” day, as the Sun entered Taurus and I am getting ready for Pluto retrograde (come to think of it, the societal influence of a popular novel about death is a very Pluto topic) and Mercury entering Aries tomorrow.  The character I was thinking of based on 2Pac is also very Mercurial, and even picking out a new looseleaf notebook for the notes I take at work (as I just did) is a Mercury influence – not to mention a Moon-Aquarius one. 

Moon trining Jupiter should be expansive as well.  I expect a good day tomorrow in preparation for my C2E2 adventure.  The pressure is building. It’s exciting and frustrating because I feel that if I can turn some kind of corner with these blog entries I can find that literary depth that would let me write some good angelic stories that would serve the purposes of my guiding spirits.  We’ll see what kind of inspiration I can get at C2E2 as Mars enters Gemini.

I expect a distinct sensation when Pluto goes retrograde in the morning, as well.

The Buffy Diaries 4-18-2017

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The forgotten Buffynicity!

A couple of days ago I ripped “Quadrophenia” onto my iPod for the first time ever.  In search of metal, I’ve gone back to the public library and picked up a bunch of other oldies as well.

On a Buffy episode recently they were talking about Acid and someone said about Anya something like “She’s a Bomb” or “She’s not a bomb” or something, and I thought it was a reference to the who song “Athena”, and then tonight Giles was playing “Behind Blue Eyes” at a coffee shop – rather well, I might add.  I hope that was him singing because it was cool.

The Buffy Diaries 4-18-2017

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10:17 PM 4/18/2017  I did my taxes with 3 hours to spare.  I should even have a refund coming.

Buffynicity #1 is really an Easter Egg.  Yesterday was an episode with an “alternate reality” created by Jonathan.  Everyone was talking about possible alternate realities, the joke being no one remembered the one created by Anya.  Then they mentioned that in this alternate reality Jonathan had starred in “The Matrix” and as I pointed out when I watched that earlier episode, it was like some eerie precursor of “The Matrix” with black leather and slow motion and everything. 

Buffynicity #2 is an old one, and I’ve forgotten most of it but last week I was reading about Enochian magic and one passage mentioned the number 42, and then that number was mentioned later that night in the episode I watched.  I record it because in the last few days I’ve been forgetting Buffynicities more and more.  My mind is full of channeling and other things, but I want to catch whatever I can.

Buffynicity #3 was my channeling class with Sharyl last night coinciding with the “body-swapping” episode – Faith and Buffy switching places, which is similar to channeling.

Buffynicity #4 I was spontaneously looking up the band “Veruca Salt” on the web today, harkening back to Willy Wonka last Saturday, and then tonight Oz came back, having left after he got seduced by a werewolf named Veruca.

Buffynicity #5 There’s a “Scott Evil” action figure at Quake Toys that I’ve been thinking about buying for weeks. Scott Evil is a character from the Austin Powers movies played by Seth Green, who also plays Oz.  Just yesterday I broke down and decided to buy it even though I don’t give a damn about the Austin Powers franchise – and then tonight Oz came back. 

Buffynicity #6 Adam continues to remind me of myself. His messianic preaching about purpose is reminding me of my channeling experiences. 

Buffynicity #7 I’ve been listening to the Judas Priest song “United” quite a bit today, and tonight there was a vampire and a demon caught cooperating and they were talking about how Adam was uniting the monsters.

Buffynicity #8 Sharyl is still talking about “service”, and I’m trying to figure it out.  They mentioned it in a recent Buffy episode but I’m rocking the Judas Priest too loud right now to remember.

10:37 PM 4/18/2017 Speaking of which, I’m really getting into Judas Priest, and a bit of time travel, daydreaming about this metal band playing all those years I ignored them, and all the people who listened to them, and what it meant that that musical movement was going on parallel to my life.  A lot of it is giving me ideas for the soundtrack to my own fantasy novel.

So this extended voyage through Buffy the Vampire Slayer is reengaging me with entertainment.  My discovery of Motorhead and Metal comes from this, and also the emotional catharsis I experienced with the movie “Logan”.  I have dozens of new albums on my iPod, and here comes C2E2 this weekend.  This is a very healthy development as I find the more new entertainment I engage with, the more the continuous daydream I’ve been wandering in since 1990 collapses and the clearer the spirit world beyond it becomes.

Furthermore, I am doing full voice channeling with Sharyl and this new depth of trance is affecting my blog.  I have a new sense of the possibilities of what I’m writing even as I’ve stopped worrying about how anyone will perceive it.

As for transits, I had a major insight this morning during the runup to the Moon conjuncting Pluto.  I have a particular dystopian fantasy about the “spiritual hierarchy” of Western Occultism that plays over and over in my mind.  Today it became so clear that I was able to write down a lot of it and finally articulate a lot of the philosopical issues invoved – even to the point of breakthrough in understanding that a lot of my fantasies are because of philosophical arguments I can’t articulate.  Now I know what to focus on to resolve them.

This came before a Pluto transit, and I was remembering a similar clarity I had last Thursday morning, before a similar transit.  I recognized the “feel” of these transits and this also helps me understand “where” these issues are in my mind, the type of emotional frequency that Pluto governs.  I’m further validated in this by the knowledge that Pluto is going retrograde in two days.  This is is spectacular because it shows I’m developing an intuitive sense of planetary energies, and it’s also my reward for studying retrogrades.  I know that following Jupiter, Venus, Saturn, and now Mercury has brought me to a much more refined sense of what’s going on. 

I’m certainly feeling the effects of Venus going direct, much more able to decide what I want, much more comfortable with channeling, feeling much more connected to the inner planes. 

So here comes the Sun’s ingress into Taurus.  Mercury is going backwards into Aries, Mars is going into Gemini and Pluto is going retrograde.  And I’m listening to Judas Priest, Motorhead, and Iron Maiden, and also some Buck Cherry.

I’m going to learn a lot about Pluto, the force of sex and violence that shapes society – a force I’ve been repressing for a long time but which I’m now going to work with with the help of my angels.  Mercury going back to Aries is a chance to start over, just as Venus is moving back toward that sign. 

What is Mars in Gemini?  Will I be writing more?  I can feel my focus on writing increasing as I am now comfortable identifying myself as “a channel” ***

Other things are happening as well, I’m able to put together the big pieces of the puzzle of the various systems of thought I work with – SRCM, Western Occultism, Shamanism, etc.  That’s one reason I’m listening to “United” so often, I’m finally getting united.

Thankfully moon in Capricorn will be over when I wake up in the morning.  Aquarius is bad too, but at least it’s getting over with and there are a lot of interesting changes coming.  The Moon squaring Mercury in the morning should be fun because I’ve gotten my taxes out of the way and I can get my thoughts organized for C2E2.  Also the author of “13 Reasons Why” will be at the Schaumburg Library Tomorrow and even though it will be a hassle as tickets are first-come-first-serve, there’s a chance I’ll get to see him, and this would give some special significance to the Sun conjunct Mercury late that night.

Thursday my mini-vacatiion for C2E2 begins and I’m excited because Mercury going back to Aries and Pluto going retograde promise for some fiery Martian revelations.

Angels are showing me more and more how to put my feelings together with the things I’m saying.

The Buffy Diaries 4-16-2017

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10:22 PM 4/16/2017 I woke up just a couple of minutes after Mars sextiled Chiron and the Moon trined Uranus.  I felt pretty good, having gotten a full night’s sleep.  I had wanted to do some ritual magic and there were many other projects on my mind, but I couldn’t find the time.  I am having very good spiritual presence this weekend but I haven’t been able to focus it to get anything done and once again I would have to relate this to the Moon in Sagittarius.  Moon entering Capricorn similarly feels as crummy as it did last time, like I have no life and no future – even as I get all these great intuitions.  It’s just a bad mood I’ll have to put up with for the next few days, as it usually gets worse through Moon in Aquarius. 

Afterwards I gave my friend a ride to Whole Foods and I was remembering all the times I’ve given people rides to grocery shop.  I was seeing society in a very different perspective.  I feel I’ve been getting in touch more with past lives and the more I do the more irrelevant and tediously repulsive American life becomes, and the more I hate perky cheerleaders who dribble slogans like “be here now”.  The Moon was squaring Chiron and inconjuncting Mars during that time, and I felt very secure in my spiritual perceptions but also “comfortably numb”, to quote the old Pink Floyd song, as if nothing in the world really mattered.  The person I was helping has a very strong astrological presence and I got a lot of intuitive information from her aura.  Once again I’m a little frustrated at this dopey game I have to play with relationships, getting enormous amounts of intuitive energy on one level and not being able to put it into useful terms on a practical level.  I have so much that happens to me during the day I’ll never be able to describe.  I was pretty happy after I dropped her off and went to do my own shopping, wasting a lot of time just listening to music as the Moon trined the Sun and then heading home as it squared Venus. 

There were a bunch of aspect and I felt a very positive revelation of the world and my place in it, but now I am struggling to say what it meant.  It was nice to help my friend.  This related to Sharyl’s statements about “service” on Monday.  I am getting the idea of service, I guess.

I was very tired when I got home, but I swept the floor before I took a nap.  The Moon conjuncted Saturn during that time and I guess it was related to a sense of happiness I felt, that even though I’m having a lot of chaos I’m taking care of the day-to-day aspects of my life.  I also think I felt the closeness of the angels who watch over me.  I feel that I don’t have to care too much about the world anymore and I can just let go of it and focus on the supernatural.  Specifically I think the election of Donald Trump is the final proof that this nation is too stupid to survive and there’s not a whole lot of purpose in being involved in “America” in general.  Like an ageing dinosaur it’s fallen into a tar pit to be fossilized and forgotten.

I slept through the void of course and woke up after the Moon had entered Capricorn.  I was too tired to get up and go to Edgewater.  I had to run before the circle and I just didn’t want to make myself get up.  I also wanted to save for C2E2 next week. 

The Buffy episode I watched while running was fun. It was nice to see Faith again.  There were a couple of Buffynicities but I’ve forgotten them already, although Faith as usual reminded me of one of my old, evil girlfriends who thought she could solve every problem by talking complete crap and humiliating herself with her own stupidity. 

The one Synchronicity I had was that yesterday I saw “Willy Wonka” and I was thinking about the character Violet, and then today I saw that there’s a new Monster energy drink flavor, “Ultraviolet”.

Mars sextiled Venus during the circle and it was very interesting.  John was talking about how Mars relates to the fifth chakra, which was news to me because I always thought it was the second chakra.  My angels were giving me quite a bit of focus and I was actually exploring my “reading” state.  It’s getting more stable but I’m still wondering what I’m supposed to be saying about these beings.  I know they’re bringing me this summer to a “public persona”, an image to use for my website and my practice with clients.  But I have a few details to iron out about what approach I want to take to “the business”.

I did feel the presence of Jesus much more today, and I know that with my exporations of Rennaisance magic and my past lives in Europe, I’m going to be doing some work on integrating him into my worldview. 

The Moon is trining Mercury in a few minutes, which is interesting because the Moon-Mercury inconjunct on Friday had actually set off a few episodes of miscommunication which seemed troublesome on the surface.  I wish I could take full advantage of this aspect but it seems I have to somehow go deeper within myself before I can bring through the necessary emotional resonance.  I do feel that the angelic presence is “taking” in what I write now, or “grabbing hold” or “gaining traction”.  I am more able to spontaneously express myself as “a person who has angelic companions” rather than struggling to act out an image of what I should be.

I’m not as afraid of the darkness anymore, I’m not as worried about what traditionalists would think. 

Sun trining Saturn in the morning I expect to make me feel very comfortable with my life, especially with C2E2 coming up.  Moon sextiling Neptune and Mars inconjunct Saturn during my class with Sharyl tomorrow promises a big development, an extension of what I’ve experienced tonight. 

Sun conjunct Mercury on Wednesday night when I’m seeing the author of “13 Reasons Why” at the Schaumburg Library.

Mercury goes back into Aries on Thursday.

Mars enters Gemini and Moon enters Pisces on Friday.  I’ll feel good, but probably very passive.  I’m very interested to see how Mars in Gemini feels.